Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow" Mary Anne Radmacher
I think courage is subjective. People often tell me I am strong, but I have always been told that tears are a sign of weakness. I have cried a river of tears this year. Spent hours dwelling and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe the strength comes in when the tears dry up and I just start moving again.
There is a line in one of my favorite songs "How many times can I break 'til I shatter". Well, I have felt broken beyond repair more times than I can count this past year, and have yet to shatter into a million little pieces. A little worse for wear, a few metaphorical bruises, black eyes and maybe limping, but not shattered. I have been close, but have always been able to pull myself back.
Let's review for those of you that are new to my party. More than a year ago I was diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer stage 2 with Follicular variant, had surgery to remove my thyroid, was told treatment that was needed to remove all traces of the cancer must be delayed because the drop in my thyroid hormone caused Major Depressive Disorder and Panic Disorder both of which could interfere with my ablility to follow instructions to the letter in regards to my treatment. In May my father became very ill and it became apparent that we were losing him physically, and mentally because of dementia, he was really already lost to us. Then around the same time my son told me that his wife and mother of their two children were going to separate and get a divorce because they were just too different. I had been going to counseling and seeing a psychiatrist regularly and it was felt I could go off my meds and prepare for treatment. My doctor forgot about me and I became SO hypothyroid I was what it is called Mxydemic and told I was lucky to not be in a coma. That situation was rectified with new doctors, and after a months worth of tests and scans my Radioactive Iodine Ablation took place. The treatment made me nauseous and I vomited for days, possibly vomiting up much of the radioactive iodine needed to kill the remaining cells. While in isolation (a requirement) my father passed and my husband broke all the rules to comfort and be there for me. The depression and Panic Disorder continue, though I have good days and bad. Ask anyone close to me and they will tell you it does not take much to send me into a tail spin. All of that, and I had not broken. Stumbled, yes broken, no.
That brings us to this week. More blood work. Always blood work, always tests, always issues. I know these numbers mean nothing to most of you but without a thyroid, on medication my THS level should be ideally at 0.05-0.03. It has currently risen from 14 to 100. This is considered severely hypothyroid. Add to that my WBC count is extremely low and it is no wonder I can barely get out of bed, changing the laundry makes my head spin and sweeping the floor makes my heart palpitate and my breathing hard. However, I am a lucky girl.... I am not alone. I have a husband, though he may not always know what to say, he let's me be me and cry it out, throw a fit, or yell at him for no reason. I have 3 sons, 3 men in my life that would give their own lives to make me happy. I have the feistiest, wild, most loving grandchildren that put their arms around my neck or sit in my lap and make me feel that everything is ok. I have a few amazing girls on my side that I can say I love with a kind of love I never knew I was capable of. I also have a bad-ass sister that kicked cancer's ass three times that is the best example of strength and courage a girl can have.
So universe, bring it on. I will cry, I will wallow, I will pout, but I will also fight. It's in my nature. I have Faith, I have Hope, I have Courage, but above all I have a team of people behind me that I don't want to let down.
"She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails" Elizabeth Edwards
