“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”
There have been so many changes in my life this week. Jeffrey, my middle son, at 20 years old moved into an apartment with his girlfriend Sadie. Justin, my youngest son had his last day of high school, and lastly, it is official, I am no longer a cancer patient, I am a cancer survivor.
While at my therapy session this week, my doctor said "with all of these chapters ending, your life is an open book, where will you take your story next?" I liked that analogy. First of all I LOVE diving into a good book! There is nothing better than reading that first page and just knowing you must know how it ends! But mostly because she said "where will YOU take YOUR Story" So many times I feel my life is completely out of my control. Especially these last 14 months. She always makes me think.
My answer was "I don't know, all the old me would have ever wanted was to go back to work and return to my normal life, but I don't think that girl exists anymore, I lost her somewhere along the way" We had a very lengthy discussion about this, but I'll keep those things between just the two of us.
It is strange, it's like I can close my eyes and see myself all those months ago. We are looking at each other, but she is in the shadows, somewhat obscured by the events and grief that has transpired. The woman on this side of the mirror is ever changing, and finally, I'm ok with that. For the first time in YEARS, this women has hopes and dreams. Before I never thought about what I COULD do if I wanted to. I just muddled through each day, just trying to get through so I could do it all over again the next day.
She and I talked about work. Both she and my Endocrinologist do not think I'm even near ready, so we talked about the "someday" work I may want to do. I told her I want to make beautiful things, I want to make people smile, and I want to help people and make a difference. Of course she said that was a little vague, but it's a start. Just the fact that I am thinking about "someday" is a big deal for me. The girl on the other side of the mirror never thought about "someday." This girl wants joy in her life, she wants beauty and color in her life. She wants love and friends and purpose, and believes she deserves all of these things. What any of that means today, I don't know. Time till tell.
Now, a little off topic, we talked about strength, and I cried. I asked "why do people tell me I am strong, I cry, I have panic attacks, I am so often afraid" Her answer, "But, you're here, you fight, you decide to wake up every morning, you faced cancer and won. You decide to come here to help you heal. You lost your father and you made it through, you fight through migraine or neck pain every day. You are strong, it is only up to you to believe it, it has always been there" Maybe that's a "someday" thing. I don't know I quiet believe that yet. But I do know this, when I look in the mirror now, though the bags under my eyes are a little bigger and darker, though I have yet to loose all of the weight this disease helped to put on my body, and though I see a woman looking years older than she did just 18 months ago, for the first time maybe ever, I like what I see. I am excited to see where she will go, what the unwritten pages of my story will reveal. It will be interesting to see what "someday" brings.
"Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten." Natasha Bedingfield
