Choices........

Still round the corner there may wait a new road or a secret gate.  J.R.R. Tolkien

     Choice: The RIGHT, POWER, or OPPORTUNITY to choose.
Choice. 6 letters, such a simple word. A simple word with  a very powerful meaning. A person makes choices so many times a day they can not even be counted. Will I get up the first time the alarm sounds, what will I eat for breakfast, what will I wear, which way shall I take to work, do I need an umbrella, should I buy lunch or take lunch. You get the idea. But what about the choices that affect others. Will I be kind to that person that irritates the hell out of me. Will I smile at the rude cashier, will I tell and show my family how much I love them. Will I forgive that person that hurt me in the past. A million choices EVERY DAY!
     Now throw a few curve balls into someone's life such as illness, depression, anxiety, panic, fear. That is where the choices become overwhelming. Like monsters from nightmares. Oh God! What if I make the wrong choice and it has negative consequences. That is where things went wrong for me. So terrified of making choices in my mind I believed I stopped making them. Actually, the opposite happened. Instead of not making choices I was making an abundance of choices, but negative ones that not only impacted myself, but those that love me. Unknowingly, I would choose to allow my emotions run my life. I would choose to not get out of bed. I would choose to stay fearful and anxious and sad. I didn't realize I was making theses as choices, just that they were an unwelcome part of my new life.

     Through therapy I am learning that each moment, each thought, each emotion can be a choice. It is not easy, it is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But I could take every pill and remedy on the market, and still be stuck in that dark, lonely, scary place, unless I choose to claw my own way out. Not only do my choices in regards to my emotions and self image affect me, but those around me and those that love me. They have watch as I have transformed from a confident, happy, capable women, to a nervous, crying, self-loathing hot mess! I know many emotional traumas and turmoils brought me to that place, and like any wound it takes time to heal. However, like any wound, we can CHOOSE to care for it, keep it clean, apply medication, not pick and scratch at it etc. This is what I am learning about my choices.

     I just came home from a week long hospital stay for a stress induced intractable migraine. For those of you that don't know I am a chronic migraine sufferer (more headache days per month than headache free days) for a very long time. Every once in a while a perfect storm will brew and circumstances will cause a migraine that takes hold and will not let go. So much pain, so much medicine, so much frustration. In the week I was there the doctors did all they could to control the pain and "break the cycle." It can be disheartening when  you have been in a hospital for a week and upon release you are told you may remain in pain for a week to 10 days until the meds you were given there and the ones you were sent home with get in your system and do their job.

     Now for my choices in regards to this situation, but first a little background on the one medication that really works to break the cycle. The dreaded Solu-Medrol! A wonderful steroid  which I was given 5 times in my IV at the hospital and will continue to take for the next 12 days. If you've never had the pleasure of experiencing this little gem, let me fill you in on some of the wonderful side effects. First, but not worst, it makes you bat crap crazy! I will cry one minute, yell the next, tremor, be jumpy and edgy. Of course then there are the hot flashes. Oh GOD the hot flashes! Last night I felt that I was trapped in a sauna with a million bees sting my face and ears causing them to be on fire! My heart will race, I will eventually get the lovely "moon face" and possibly gain anywhere from 5-15 lbs. Lastly, the insomnia and leg cramps as I am weaning off of them. Not ordinary leg cramps, but super duper ran a marathon without drinking any water leg cramps. Now comes my CHOICE. How to deal with all of this. First choice, take the meds with all the glorious side effects, or possibly remain in a constant migraine state. Last night I sat crying feeling sorry for myself thinking how unfair it all is. But then I made a CHOICE. I will take the steroids, I will accept the side effects, I will live, they will not kill me, they are just unpleasant. I will not allow my circumstances to set me back from the progress I had made in gaining my life back. I will be careful what I eat, and when strong enough in a few days to start walking again.

    I CHOOSE to fight. I CHOOSE to overcome my situation. I CHOOSE to let my mind rule, not my emotions. Thank you Dr Kulis for teaching me the power of that one little 6 letter word. I do not know what path my life is on, but it is a much different path than just a few weeks ago. I look forward to turning a corner, opening that secret gate and finding a beautiful peaceful place of my own. We all make choices. Will you make the right ones for you today?

Every passing minute is an opportunity to turn it all around.  Cameron Crowe

First steps.......

You yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Budda


     Therapy is intense. It is hard. You are forced to face things about your self or your past that are ugly, scary, shameful, humbling, ...... I could go on. It is also exhausting. Unless you are brutally honest and reveal things about yourself you wish could stay hidden forever, you cannot truly get better or move on. For me, yesterdays session was my hardest yet. I had to look at myself in the mirror (figuratively) and see (and admit) how far from emotionally healthy I really am, and face how long I have been this way. I guess as Oprah would call it, my psychiatrist and I had an "aha moment". Others would call it an epiphany.


     I am a very loved woman. My husband loves me more than you can imagine, and has always been there and done what is needed to get me through. Whether it be, hold my hand during medical tests, hold me when I cry, yell at me through a panic attack to "snap out of it" (yes, that really happened, and it worked!), make sure my needs are met, uses an endless supply of patience..... again I could go on and on. 
     My children love and respect me with a compassion and tenderness that most young men are incapable of. How all three of my sons turned out so amazing when their mother is the poster child for "hot mess" is beyond me, but I am thankful. 
     I have brothers and sisters though some separated by distance I know love me and would do anything for me. My two oldest sisters never judge, are always willing to listen and lend advice without being condescending. 
     I don't have many friends, but the ones that have stayed true are I trust with my heart, my secrets, my fears, and they have never betrayed that trust. We are able to tell each other "I love you" with no awkwardness at all.
     My point is, I am surrounded by people that love me and are fighting for me, but I have no love for myself, and feel so undeserving. Thank God, as I work on myself that these people have not given up on me as I have on myself. During the session yesterday my Dr.asked me to list 3 things I like about myself. I listed how loved I was, my great family, and my grandchildren. She quickly stopped me and told me to start over. Things about ME that I like. I could think of nothing. She thinks this is a problem lol!
     So, starting today, I need to learn to love myself, and learn to accept that I am deserving of love from those around me. I don't know where to start or how to even begin because looking back at my life, I can't think of one time I was ever truly happy with me. I know I have a lot to offer others, and there is good in me, but that is different. And I am not talking about physically. Those things do not define who I am. Whether I weigh 200 lbs or 110, or looked 20 years younger, had a perfect body, none of that matters. I need to get myself to the point that I know I am worthy of love, and the only way to achieve that is to love myself. So today I will think of one thing I like about myself, even if it takes all day. Tomorrow maybe I can come up with two. I want to prove to all of those that have stood by me and loved me through all storms and darkness that it was worth it. So, today I start over (again), and I look outside and it is beautiful, and I feel a peace inside. To my family and friends, thank you. I love you.


The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

I am........

     I have spent the last 14 months trying to figure out who I am. Grieving and angry over what I've lost. I have seen the dark recesses of hell and fought my way through. I have had thoughts and made plans because the emotional pain and loss was too great to bear. I also fought my way through that. So who is Roberta today?

    I am a mother who misses her sons terribly everyday, but only wish them to be happy.
    I am a wife that loves my husband for 1000 reasons, but mostly because he stayed, no matter how difficult, and he loves me more today than ever before.
    I am a grandmother who's heart literally leaps in it's chest when I hold my grandchildren.
    I am a friend that has made mistakes, and caused hurt, but to those that stood by me, I love you and will remain loyal and grateful for the rest of my life. I will keep your secrets, hold you when you cry, protect you with my life and make you laugh when you need it most.
    I am a girl that loves pink, and purple and flowers and butterflies, beautifully hand-made items, as well as a baseball fan that yells and swears during Tigers games, takes it personally when they lose, can quote stats, and believes there is no better way to spend a Saturday than watching a game.
    I am a girl that crochets lovely things and loves to design and embellish, only to see the smile on someone's face when they see it. 
    I also am a girl that turns into a crazy, cussing, screaming, maniac from mid-August to the first week of February during football season. I love everything about the game. I love playing Fantasy Football, and I hate losing!
     I am a girl that loves God. I know that he has walked this walk with me, and it by his hand I am here today. But I am also a girl that accepts and respects all beliefs and religions.
     I am often  sad, scared, and anxious, and it's ok. I have excepted the events of the past 14 months, and am ready to move on, the events will always be in my heart, but not controlling my life.
     I am a girl that needs help to control her demons, and I have found it. I believe everyone has their own demons and choose to never judge someone again, as I have felt judged and unloved, and it is painful.
     I am a girl that still has bad days, and that's ok, too. The next day they are over, forgotten, and I move on.
     I believe a smile or a friendly word can make someone's day and always choose to say thank you, or have a nice day.
     I am a cancer survivor. While fighting the cancer was the easiest part of my journey, I am thankful for the disease, as it has saved my life. The diagnosis sent me on a journey of self-discovery and brought me to a place where I am happy with me. I am not perfect by world's standards. I am flawed, and my flaws are beautiful and they are mine.

I am me, and she is exactly who I want to be. You should take some time to get to know me (again), you may be pleasantly surprised!

     

The Girl in the Mirror

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”


    There have been so many changes in my life this week. Jeffrey, my middle son, at 20 years old moved into an apartment with his girlfriend Sadie. Justin, my youngest son had his last day of high school, and lastly, it is official, I am no longer a cancer patient, I am a cancer survivor.
     While  at my therapy session this week, my doctor said "with all of these chapters ending, your life is an open book, where will you take your story next?" I liked that analogy. First of all I LOVE diving into a good book! There is nothing better than reading that first page and just knowing you must know how it ends! But mostly because she said "where will YOU take YOUR Story"  So many times I feel my life is completely out of my control. Especially these last 14 months.  She always makes me think. 
      My answer was "I don't know, all the old me would have ever wanted was to go back to work and return to my normal life, but I don't think that girl exists anymore, I lost her somewhere along the way"  We had a very lengthy discussion about this, but I'll keep those things between just the two of us.
      It is strange, it's like I can close my eyes and see myself all those months ago. We are looking at each other, but she is in the shadows, somewhat obscured by the events and grief that has transpired. The woman on this side of the mirror is ever changing, and finally, I'm ok with that. For the first time in YEARS, this women has hopes and dreams. Before I never thought about what I COULD do if I wanted to. I just muddled through each day, just trying to get through so I could do it all over again the next day.
     She and I talked about work. Both she and my Endocrinologist do not think I'm even near ready, so we talked about the "someday" work I may want to do. I told her I want to make beautiful things, I want to make people smile, and I want to help people and make a difference. Of course she said that was a little vague, but it's a start. Just the fact that I am thinking about "someday" is a big deal for me. The girl on the other side of the mirror never thought about "someday." This girl wants joy in her life, she wants beauty and color in her life. She wants love and friends and purpose, and believes she deserves all of these things. What any of that means today, I don't know. Time till tell.
     Now, a little off topic, we talked about strength, and I cried. I asked "why do people tell me I am strong, I cry, I have panic attacks, I am so often afraid" Her answer, "But, you're here, you fight, you decide to wake up every morning, you faced cancer and won. You decide to come here to help you heal. You lost your father and you made it through, you fight through migraine or neck pain every day. You are strong, it is only up to you to believe it, it has always been there" Maybe that's a "someday" thing. I don't know I quiet believe that yet. But I do know this, when I look in the mirror now, though the bags under my eyes are a little bigger and darker, though I have yet to loose all of the weight this disease helped to put on my body, and though I see a woman looking years older than she did just 18 months ago, for the first time maybe ever, I like what I see. I am excited to see where she will go, what the unwritten pages of my story will reveal. It will be interesting to see what "someday" brings.


"Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten."   Natasha Bedingfield
      
      

I will try again tomorrow.......

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"      Mary Anne Radmacher


     I think courage is subjective. People often tell me I am strong, but I have always been told that tears are a sign of weakness.  I have cried a river of tears this year. Spent hours dwelling and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe the strength comes in when the tears dry up and I just start moving again. 
     There is a line in one of my favorite songs "How many times can I break 'til I shatter". Well, I have felt broken beyond repair more times than I can count this past year, and have yet to shatter into a million little pieces. A little worse for wear, a few metaphorical bruises, black eyes and maybe limping, but not shattered. I have been close, but have always been able to pull myself back.
     Let's review for those of you that are new to my party. More than a year ago I was diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer stage 2 with Follicular  variant, had surgery to remove my thyroid, was told treatment that was needed to remove all traces of the cancer must be delayed because the drop in my thyroid hormone caused Major Depressive Disorder and Panic Disorder both of which could interfere with my ablility to follow instructions to the letter in regards to my treatment. In May my father became very ill and it became apparent that we were losing him physically, and mentally because of dementia, he was really already lost to us. Then around the same time my son told me that his wife and mother of their two children were going to separate and get a divorce because they were just too different. I had been going to counseling and seeing a psychiatrist regularly and it was felt I could go off my meds and prepare for treatment. My doctor forgot about me and I became SO hypothyroid I was what it is called Mxydemic and told I was lucky to not be in a coma. That situation was rectified with new doctors, and after a months worth of tests and scans my Radioactive Iodine Ablation took place. The treatment made me nauseous and I vomited for days, possibly vomiting up much of the radioactive iodine needed to kill the remaining cells. While in isolation (a requirement) my father passed and my husband broke all the rules to comfort and be there for me. The depression and Panic Disorder continue, though I have good days and bad. Ask anyone close to me and they will tell you it does not take much to send me into a tail spin. All of that, and I had not broken. Stumbled, yes broken, no.
     That brings us to this week. More blood work. Always blood work, always tests, always issues. I know these numbers mean nothing to most of you but without a thyroid, on medication my THS level should be ideally at 0.05-0.03. It has currently risen from 14 to 100. This is considered severely hypothyroid. Add to that my WBC count is extremely low and it is no wonder I can barely get out of bed, changing the laundry makes my head spin and sweeping the floor makes my heart palpitate and my breathing hard. However, I am a lucky girl....  I am not alone. I have a husband, though he may not always know what to say, he let's me be me and cry it out, throw a fit, or yell at him for no reason. I have 3 sons, 3 men in my life that would give their own lives to make me happy. I have the feistiest, wild, most loving grandchildren that put their arms around my neck or sit in my lap and make me feel that everything is ok. I have a few amazing girls on my side that I can say I love with a kind of love I never knew I was capable of. I also have a bad-ass sister that kicked cancer's ass three times that is the best example of strength and courage a girl can have.
     So universe, bring it on. I will cry, I will wallow, I will pout, but I will also fight. It's in my nature. I have Faith, I have Hope, I have Courage, but above all I have a team of people behind me that I don't want to let down.


"She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails"      Elizabeth Edwards

Confession

Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but the stigma and bias shame us all.  -Bill Clinton.


    Would you tell me as a cancer patient to just not have cancer? Or a diabetic to produce more insulin. Or a paraplegic to stand up and walk?  Many of you may not know that I have lived with chronic pain of migraines for 17 years. Given also the fact that I have relatives with bipolar and depression it is no surprise that when diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer I spun into a dark land of fear and depression which I have worked tirelessly for the past year to dig myself out of.  Add in the fact that a main symptom of hypothyrodism, which obviously I have since I no longer have a thyroid it is no wonder I find myself here. Please understand I still a mother, still a wife, a grandmother, a sister, an aunt, a friend. I am no longer ashamed to say I suffer from Major Disorder and Panic Attack Disorder. I was inspired by my hero and friend to "come out". After a very recent (and scary) event I have chosen to share this with the people closest in my life, most of you being my friends here on Facebook. I do not want this to be my families "dirty little secret"  Please do not judge me. Please do not tell me to stop crying or to go for a walk. And don't you dare  tell me or anyone else that you think may be suffering to "just get over it" or by God "snap out of it."  Tell me a joke. Ask what you can do. Allow me to make the ugly cry face and spill my heart  to you. Tell me about your day. Just tell me that you care. I say this not only for me, but for all that battle a condition that is still attached to a stigma and still often only whispered about. I have chosen to fight. There is a fighting spirit inside of me and she is tenacious. Fighting cancer has been difficult, but fighting the depression, the despair the fear has been like climbing Mt. Everest barefoot and blind in a monsoon. I have chosen to write about this here as well as my blog because it seems more cathartic. My name is Roberta and I am depressed. I have panic attacks and breakdowns and I am no longer ashamed to talk about it. Take some time to get to know me and you will discover I am an amazing person that can do amazing things, I just need to find that one thing to reach for to pull me to my feet and set me on the correct path. Maybe this is it. Who knows? Thank you for being  patient and please help me to discover the girl I am going to be. And please, if you have a friend or family member that you think may be suffering from depression, talk to them. Be there for them. Try to be their soft place to fall, because there is a bottom, and at the bottom your choices are limited and feeling hopeless with nowhere to go is the darkest, scariest place to be. Thank you. I love you all. 


        I dedicate this to my father. Daddy, I will get better and I will make you and Mom proud.

Fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will admit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone I will turn the inner eye towards it's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

                       Only I will remain.....author unknown

     What are you afraid of? Many of you will say spiders, or perhaps heights. Maybe you are afraid of the dark or water. Possibly you fear being alone or even dogs. I am not talking about the kind of fear  that makes you a little nervous or edgy. I am speaking of paralyzing, shaking in your shoes, unable to breathe FEAR.  
     Throughout the years I have known normal fears. I hate heights. Not too fond of mice or bugs. Typical stuff. But just about a year ago all that changed. First, one of my biggest fears in my life came to pass and I was diagnosed with cancer. Perhaps I have always feared this disease more than most because my mother passed away from breast cancer when I was just 8 years old but was sick most of my childhood. Suddenly my life changed. I guess it wasn't suddenly, it was more like a slow moving train. First, of course was the fear of dying. But I will save that for another day. Somehow, throughout surgery, recovery, treatment, fear began to sneak into the cracks and crevices of my psyche. I became aware one day when I was at the grocery store the man ringing up my order kept glancing at the scar on my neck. At the time it was quite fresh and rather hideous looking. I became warm. My breathing increased. My chest squeezed I wanted to run but was paralyzed. That, I believe was a mini panic attack. Like a small wave lapping at the shore on a calm day. Little did I know the Tsunami was on it's way. Before I knew it, I could not leave the house alone for fear someone would harm me. I fear being in the house alone and often check my doors and windows.  After falling several times in a matter of days  the fear of falling became so real I would only shower occasionally and only when someone was home. Oh and how I fear driving. I hate the car. Even when someone else is driving. I could go on and on, the list is endless. I am always sure someone is looking, judging, knowing my inner thoughts. The panic attacks happened almost daily and the fear of having one was so terrifying it just seemed easier to stay inside safe and sound. But then a stressful situation would arise as they tend to do, and the panic at home became just as terrifying as outside. I have learned techniques to slow if not prevent the attacks. But they left behind the fear. Like the wet sand on the beach after the storm. They left the self-doubt, self-hatred, and the secrets. Oh the secrets. Secrets that I felt (and still often feel) I could tell no one. Thoughts and deeds that I just knew (know) would destroy my loved ones and leave others gaping at me with no words to say.
     Crazy is a word I fear. Because sometimes I fear I have truly gone mad. I was a normal, contributing member of society when my life was side-swiped by a tsunami and everything in it's path was destroyed. Oh, and throw in losing my father, my son's separation, and everyday life stresses and you have created the perfect storm. 
      If it seems I have been MIA lately, it is because I am still riding out the storm, waiting for the path of destruction to end so I can rebuild myself. As of late, I have let the storm of fear win. But I am strong. I, like the tall house on the hill have weathered this storm. I may need a few repairs, but there is still life in me. I  still, even after a whole year, have a long way to go. I am tired, and I wish I had someone to carry me. But in the end it is my fight and no one else's. I will take some time to toughen up and continue to ride the eye of the storm. After all, there is only one other option, which is really no option at all. Fight or flight, let's see? I guess I have finally chosen fight. 


We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.  Martin Luther King Jr.

In my skin

“Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist. It is the hope that they won't last forever. That hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome. That we will be led out of the darkness and into the sunshine.”


    I have faith. I have hope. I know that there are great things to come for me and I have a lot to still offer the world. Usually. But there are days (sometimes several in a row) that holding on to those things take every bit of will and strength I have. I am in one of those places. I had an emotional set back a couple of weeks ago and it shook me to the core. The emotions and thoughts that I endured for those few days destroyed me and I have had to start my fight, my journey towards normalcy all over again. 


     It is so hard to explain to others, but I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin. It has nothing to do with my looks. It is about the person that I am. I am no longer outgoing and self confident. I constantly judge myself and feel as if nothing I do is right or good enough. I take the smallest of critiques, and allow them to crush me and my self confidence. I no longer feel as if I have anything to contribute to this world. I picture myself standing still as everyone and everything moves around me and I am frozen unable to act or speak. Just an observer, not a participator. It is a terrifying feeling. It makes me feel as if I am drowning in a sea of loneliness, even if I am surround by people, even the ones that love me most.
     I need a lifeline to keep me from drowning.  I need skills and goals and a sounding board.  On April 1st we will have health insurance again, and I hope to find a new counselor.  I need to share my feelings, but with a stranger, someone who cannot be hurt or upset by my feelings. Someone who can give me techniques and skills to cope and find the right path again. To find a way to be comfortable in my new skin once again.  I will get there, but it is a much slower process than I ever expected. I thank all my loved ones and friends for their patience as I strive to reach my full potential.


“The great essentials for happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.”
     

Today

"To weep is to make less the depth of grief."
― William Shakespeare

     I would like to apologize ahead of time to anyone reading this, as this is going to be a rambling, self-pitying rant of a post. I have to get it out of me, and if you do not want to read on, don't feel obligated. As I once wrote, this blog is for me but I enjoy sharing it and hope others enjoy reading it, however this one may be different.
    I am sad, angry, and feel very sorry for myself today. It has been more than a year now that I have been going through this journey. I have had good days and bad, good weeks and bad, and I have just rolled with it. Today my anger is geared towards doctors, health care professionals and websites that told me I had the "good cancer" and that it would be "easy" or "no problem" to all of you I say "BULLSHIT!" As a member of TyCa (the thyroid cancer supoort group) I know that that is RARELY the case. I also know that I am more extreme them most, probably due to my other heath problems such as complicated migraines and depression, but I just wish someone would have told me the truth of how this could be. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!!  I am tired of being tired. I hate that I can do less than 20% of what I used to be able to do. I hate that I have to take medicine FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!! I hate the word cancer. I hate being afraid of just about everything. I hate going to the doctors because I don't know if they have ANY idea what they are talking about but I have to do what they say because my life is in their hands. I hate Radioactive Iodine and how I know it is still in my body changing the way that it works.  I hate that my children don't have the mother they used to. I hate that my husband has to see me cry so much. I could go on FOREVER!
   I know I should be thankful and most days I am. Not today! Today I will cry. Today I will be angry. Today I will have self-pity. Today I will wallow. Today will be about me. Today I just need someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Tomorrow I think I will be ok. Tomorrow I think I can be thankful again. Tomorrow I think I can have positive thoughts. So for me tomorrow can not come soon enough..........


"The sun will come out tomorrow"      Annie

The New Normal

“Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.”  Tara Kelly

     I feel as if has been an eternity since I've written. I have a million excuses, the biggest of which is after my father passed, I lost the passion for it (or so I thought). I have started a thousand (ok maybe 15 or 20) posts, but never got past the first paragraph. Everything in my life was in such an upheaval. Since February 22nd of last year, the day I got my confirmed diagnosis of thyroid cancer I just wanted everything to be "normal" again. But the past year has been anything but "normal" It has been a crazy, wild, shit-storm of a ride!  I would never, ever EVER want to relive it, but I wouldn't in a million years want to take it back either. In so many ways 2011 was the worst year of my life, but in more ways it was the best.


     How can a year that brought cancer, death, and such utter darkness be the best year of someone's life? In that cancer, death and darkness I found so much.  To start, I found a strong, positive, amazing woman inside of me that can kick the crap out of just about anything you can throw her way.  I also found out how much I love my husband, and how lucky we are to have a relationship like we do. It is rare.  If this year didn't chase him away, nothing will.  I have also discovered that I have three awesome, compassionate, supportive men in my life that I actually helped to raise.  I am so proud and thankful for them, and they always surprise me.  They never think twice and just do what needs to be done, always thinking first of me, whether I want them to or not.  I must have done something amazing to deserve them.
      I also have two grandchildren that I love so much, sometimes when I look at them my heart actually stops for a moment.  They are a gift.  You have never known true joy until your grandchild looks at you and says "I love you!"  It is real, it is pure.  
     So, what I used to think in my life was "normal", work, home, dinner, laundry, bed,  repeat, repeat, repeat, what I wanted back so badly when I was so sick and so sad, is gone forever. It has turned into a new normal.  People looking in may see my life as utterly boring, but I see it as amazing. I have come to find joy, peace and thankfulness in so many things.  A conversation with my son.  A kiss from my husband.  A smile from my grandkids.  An hour with my best friend Deena.  I see miracles in those moments.  It's as if my eyes were covered with dark, thick glasses for so many years, and now they are gone and I see everything brighter and clearer.  
     There is still a sadness within me.  I will forever grieve for things that I have lost.  I will never forget the dark, cold scary place my mind and soul resided in this summer.  My father's eyes in his last days will always haunt me.  I will mourn for the break up of my son's marriage.  But all of these things brought new beginnings, new insights.  I believe everything that has been thrown at me this year could have broken me. It nearly did.  But I also believe that the right people were put into my life to help get me through. Anybody reading this is one of those people.  My doctors, counselors, my family, members of Gilda's Club, my facebook friends.  Everyone of them has crossed my path for a reason. I have learned something from each one of them.  I believe there are no accidents, but I do believe in miracles.  My life was saved in more ways than one this year, and that is the biggest miracle of all.
     So, I will live my new "normal" life, that in it's ordinary way is in no way ordinary.  I encourage you all to take off your glasses and really "SEE".  Don't wait for a diagnosis of cancer, or the loss of a loved one, or a deep dark depression to live an EXTRAordinary life.  Enjoy each moment and know that in every obstacle that is in your way is a chance to learn, to grow and to be thankful.


"You can find something truly important in an ordinary minute."  -Mitch Albom