White flag

I have surrendered. For the past few months I have held onto Faith, Hope and the future until my hands have cramped and my fingers have bled. I am letting go now. I have lost my faith, I have lost all hope, and the thought of even one moment into the future is too exhausting to think about. So, I have let go and I am falling into the darkness. I will land soon. I will be alone in my darkness. My angel is not coming back. all the doors are locked from the outside. There is no Aztec Warrior Princess. She was a figment of my imagination, a dream I cannot achieve. I have accepted my fate. I am not afraid. I have sadness and despair with me which I will keep locked inside my secret dark place with me. I will go on, I will smile and say I am good, because that's what others need to hear. I will go on because I do not want to leave sadness in the hearts of those I love. I will go on because I wish to see my grandchildren grow up and they are a bright spot in all this madness. My pain is mine and my alone. It has decided to stay. It will be my secret companion. Thank you all who have tried to help, it was stronger than us all. I am tired and have no weapons left to fight. Maybe Faith and Hope will find me again some day, and until then I will be here waiting......

Dear God.....

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 

Dear God,

     I love you. I have believed in you my whole life. I read your word and pray to you every day. I have been told my entire life that you would never give me more than I can handle. I see your little miracles every day in my life, even amongst all of the strife I am going through, and I thank you. I still have full faith in you, and know that I am in your hands.

     I don't know if you are just really busy right now, I know the world is in chaos, but I am ready to break. You must have great faith in me and feel that I can handle all of this, but I am tired, exhausted is a better word. If I must handle more in my life, you must give me more strength! I am hanging from a rope with only on strand left, and that is beginning to fray. My tears feel like fire on my face. My heart feels shattered, battered and broken. Please heal it, Lord. I try to imagine my Mother's arms around me keeping me safe, giving me strength, but that image is fading. Please send my angel back to me just until I am stronger. I love you Oh Lord, and believe in you, and need you now more than ever. 

Your Faithful Daughter,

Roberta 

Overwhelmed

“What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability. It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are.”
    It is impossible to explain to people how difficult it is for me to do things that are easy for others, or just need to get done. Sometimes just the thought of a task can be overwhelming. Walking around with a broken heart doesn't make life easier, either.
     My father was released from the hospital today. We took him home, and now we are faced with the decision whether or not to start hospice. Once we got him home, my sister had to go speak to the support and nursing staff. He was sitting in his recliner and told me he needed to use the bathroom and started to get up. He is too weak to stand. It was up to me to see that he got into his wheelchair safely and to the bathroom safely then back again. Obviously, my strength is not as it should be. I was so scared and so overwhelmed! I was afraid I couldn't hold him up, that he would fall. I began to feel the tightening in my chest and the feeling of being unable to breathe. I talked myself down from the panic attack because my father needed me. I had to dig down deep within myself to find the strength to do what needed to be done. While I kept it together then, I am a wreck inside now.
     Also, this past weekend we moved my oldest son into an apartment because he and his wife have separated. My heart is so broken. I want to hold him and the grandkids and not let go, but he is handling it all well. Sometimes the weight of it all make me feel as if I am drowning, or  being crushed by such a heavy weight I cannot breathe, but must go on. I feel myself pushing down my feelings again and have an overwhelming urge to curl up on the floor and go inside myself. It's safe there. I need to feel safe. It is not a feeling I experience often. My emotions are too fragile. I need to find something to hold onto to begin to climb out of this dark place again. I was beginning to see some light, but now something is blocking it, like they have put the cover on a well and I am trapped!
     So, I will cry for a while, I will pray, I will read psalms, which is always a comfort, and I will fight. I have very little strength left. I need to find it. I have no time to think about myself right now, because my family needs me, but I still have cancer to deal with, treatments to go through. Please continue to pray and support me and my family. 

 

Behind These Sad Brown Eyes - a poem

Look behind these sad brown eyes,

                        there is a world which I despise

Too many voices, too much pain,

they tell me I'm worthless, and even insane.

They are winning the battle, my strength nearly gone

my mind will be theirs soon, if I do not stay strong.

So tired of fighting, I just want to sleep,

I cannot get out, I'm in way too deep.

Lying alone on the bathroom floor,

I know in my heart I can't take much more.

Tears like a monsoon, they just won't stop

I am drowning myself with each teardrop.

Too weak to get up, won't open my eyes,

each time that this happens a part of me dies.

My family grows weary as my illness progresses,

their patience is waning, they have their own stresses.

I need the arms of an angel to wrap me secure,

she must be strong, patient, confident, and sure.

To fight off the demons my mind has created,

They won't stop attacking until the are sated.

My mind is my prison, my demons my guards,

my will has been broken, laying in shards.

My angel must help me, regain faith and hope

for without either I will not learn to cope.

Please come to me angel, come save my soul,

before it is too late and I lose all control.

I haven't much time, the sands running out,

the demons are closer, and milling about.

My angel is here now, at my side she will fight,

she'll lead me through darkness, and into the light,

The face of my mother, so long ago passed,

She will hold me and love me and save me at last.