Stronger!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter...    (Kelly Clarkston)


     It's been a long time since I've written. Losing my father was like a punch in my gut, and I feel like I still don't have my breath back. He was an amazing man. He was a strong man. He lived through the depression, fought for our freedom in WWII, worked in the copper mines in the UP, raised 8 children (some of them not so easy), went through several years with a very ill wife and young children at home, and lost my mother in his 40's. It has taken me all my life to realize how lucky I am to have had him as a father. Alzheimer's took his strength away. It took away who he was. But up until the very end, he still showed signs of knowing and wanting his family near him. Everything he did he did for his family. That is strength. 
     I have learned a lot about my own strength this last month, and have learned I am a lot stronger than I EVER gave myself credit for. I had to say goodbye to my father in his hospital bed on a Monday afternoon. I knew that I would not see him again, and that the next day I was going for treatment that would force me to be isolated from human contact for the following 6 days. I did not know if my father would pass and if I would even be able to attend his funeral. The RAI treatment to kill my cancer made me very ill. I had to be alone in my sons room for the first four days, and was vomiting and in pain unable to be with my family and my father at the hospital. My father held on until Thursday, after each of his 8 children had their chance to say goodbye. My husband got the phone call at work, and came home to tell me. Because of my radioactive status, he broke doctor's orders and held me, but only briefly. I could not hug my children. I could not join my brother and sisters in the funeral plans. I had to stay in the room and do what I needed to do for my own health and future. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. It was pure strength of will that got me through. 
     His viewing was Monday, and I was cleared to go. I did not cry until the rosary was said. The rosary and his faith were a very important part of his life. I had written a poem for him in a previous blog, and asked if I could read it Tuesday at the service, along with some promises I made to him. I don't know how I got through it without shaking or crying. I think he (my Dad) gave me the strength to do it. He is laid next to my mother now which is right where he wanted to be. 
     On the same day we buried him, my doctor called and said she didn't believe my treatment worked, most likely because of all of the vomiting I did in the days after taking the pill. I will not know where I go next for a few more weeks, but I am ok with that. I will face it when it comes. You see, if I can sit in a room alone, grieving the loss of my father, unable to comfort my children, sick and hurting, and live through it, I can do anything. That did not kill me, it did not break me, it only made me stronger. While my heart is still broken, and there are still tears every day, they will not break me either. I have walked through the darkest of dark places, and emerged a different, stronger, more determined me. I will never be the same. I have lost pieces of me along the way, but found new ones. No one can go through a journey like mine and not be affected by it. I am only one of so many. If I can do this, so can you. I thought I was broken, but I wasn't, maybe just lost. My journey is not over, but I have the resources and determination now to continue it. Thank you Daddy for that gift you left me, your strength, your will, your pureness of heart. I will carry it with me for the rest of my life.

Sleep Daddy Sleep

Sleep Daddy sleep, of mother you will dream,
       Know that we are with you, our love runs like a stream.
Whether at your side, or in our hearts,
       we'll make our peace as you depart.
We love you Dear Daddy, each in our own way,
       you taught us each well, and will comfort each other if today is the day.
You raised a great family, some may call it a brood,
      We will lean on each other as your life is construed.
You've led a long life, influenced many lives,
     We know you will go peacefully when your time arrives.
Please know your family is with you, each of us nearby,
     We know that you can hear us as we come to say goodbye.
And when God calls you home, with mother you will be,
     True love reunited, no pain or angst, just together eternally.


**** I love you Daddy. I am so glad we have had these past few months. I'm glad I got to hold your hand, and make you smile, and see some recognition in your eyes. I know you're no longer in pain, and you can rest peacefully now. You are surrounded by those that love you the most. I will always remind my children of your humor and how much you loved your family. I will relish them with stories of backyard BBQS with corn on the cob cooking in a garbage can and tons of hamburgers and kielbasa on the grill. Or how you taught me how to gamble at cards for nickles (and Grandma Christy taught me how to cheat). I will remind them how even though you had so many grandkids and greatkids you never forgot a single one at Christmas. I will tell them that you made the best date nut bread and strawberry jam on the planet!  And I will tell stories to my grandchildren that didn't get a fair chance to know you, and for that I am sorry. Over the last few days since your passing, through today's technology your younger grandchildren and great-grandchildren are leaning on each other. Telling stories of their favorite memories to each other via text message and Facebook, such as all of the varying stories of how you lost your thumb (their favorite, of course was for all the thumb suckers!)  They have talked about special moments you have spent with each one of them. That is the legacy you have left behind. A family though large, and sometimes separated by distance, they love each other very much. I love you Daddy. I will always be your baby, your youngest little girl.****

Invisible....

"Everyone has an invisible sign around their neck saying 'make me feel important'."   Mary Kay Ash


     I wasn't super popular in high school, but I had a lot of friends, and fit in well. I didn't bully or tease others, because I certainly would never want someone to do it to me, but I was always glad I wasn't one of the "invisibles."  Well, now I fear I have become one. I talked about how being thrown aside and forgotten about had damaged my self-esteem. Well, I misspoke, it destroyed it. 


      I am an intelligent woman. I am able to think logically and reasonably. I used to be able to make sound decisions. That part of me knows I must get past this. I am in the hands of good, caring doctors now. Tests are being done and I am being informed every step of the way. It has been 3 weeks since I was in the hospital, and things take time, but it has also been 3 more weeks of no syntroid, which means my numbers are getting high again, and being Myxedemic last time scared the hell out of me. To have 3 doctors tell me what a dangerous state I was in and how lucky I am freaked me out, so as those symptoms return my fear grows. It takes a lot of self control to control mind from going to that place, and being hypothyroid makes it very hard to control my thoughts.
      Even small things can rock my unstable world. A perceived "tone" from one of my kids, a joke from my husband, an un-returned phone call. Plus, I am SO tired all of the time again. I feel useless. I want to get up and sweep, or dust or whatever but even such little tasks can wear me thin. Several times last night I felt as if I may pass out just from cooking dinner. I had to lay down several times in the process. 
     So, I am not  much use around the house, I have no job and cannot contribute to the household finances, or society, and I have all this time on my hands to think and cry and be angry. It's ironic how such a "good cancer" could take so much away from me. The cancer itself has almost been the least of my worries. Of course it scares me, but there are just so many other issues to deal with I have shoved that to a bookshelf way in the back of my mind to gather dust. I understand that as the test results come back today or tomorrow I will have to blow the dust off of it and deal with it, and of course I will. But in the mean time I wait. Mostly alone, mostly scared, mostly invisible.

Stronger

"You never know how STRONG you are until being STRONG is the only choice you have."

    I very wise woman that I admire very much sent this quote to my facebook. It made me cry. In a good way. See, I cry a lot lately. Sometimes because someone says just what I need to hear, like that quote. Sometimes because I received a card in the mail, or a phone call from a friend. Sometimes because I am still mad as hell, and sometimes because I am just so thankful to be here.

      I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks because I just didn't know where to start. I haven't even logged on to try. I have been through so much over the past few weeks, and my emotions are a mess. But they have changed. Like me, they are evolving. I have shed that dark despair. I have no intention on giving up. I have definitely found my door and went crashing through it. Oh, I am still a hot mess, but for different reasons and in a different way.
     I went into details in my blog on 9/15, so I won't again, but coming face to face with (another) health crisis, being told I could have fallen into a coma, or worse, has completely  changed me. Before I was in such a dark lonely place, giving up seemed my only option. I thought about it constantly. I hated myself. I felt so alone,  even when people were all around me. I don't want to sound dramatic, but it took possibly facing death, to want to fight for life. Before my soul was so troubled I had no fight at all. Now all I want to do is fight. Before I could not even picture a future, now I think about and plan things I want to do in the future. 
      That brings me to my newest struggle which I mentioned in my earlier blog. The ANGER. I didn't have to go through all that I did. Had I been properly taken care of when first diagnosed, through surgery and treatment, I would have been back to work, my life would not have been completely turned upside down. I would not have been ROBBED of experiences and time with my grandchildren. My thyroid cancer was first suspected on Nov. 26th of 2010. It is now Oct. 8, 2011. I have learned the typical span from suspicion, surgery, to treatment is 4 months. Every appointment I made took a month to get in, no one seemed to have time for me. After all, I had the "good cancer" no rush, right. And what makes me the angriest and hurts the most is that when I was in an actual CRISIS, when my thyroid hormone level was at a critical point, the doctor that was supposed to be monitoring me took a long weekend and couldn't be reached. It makes me feel as if my life is not as important as his golf time. My own doctor that has taken care of me for 10 years kept telling me to call the Endo! I knew I was in trouble, but no one had time for me. I am working hard to overcome the anger. It's happening slowly. But even more so, their lack of vigilance has stripped me of my self esteem, my feelings of self-worth. That brings a lot of tears. I used to be able to talk to any one any where, and now I feel that what I have to say is not important enough. I used to meet people eyes and say hello, now I rarely even look up. My new doctors are helping a lot. My Endocrinologist in particular is being UBER vigilant. I am learning to accept that I will not get that time back. I cannot change it. I must move on. And my Pollyanna side that must find good in everything is thankful that if nothing else, the whole experience has pulled me out of the hell that I was in. 
     I have been through my whole body scan, an MRI and this Wednesday I will have a PET scan. All of this is to determine the correct treatment, so I will not have to go hypo again as that would be dangerous. During the MRI I cried. I couldn't help but think I should not be there. I should not be going through this. So, sometimes my mind still takes me to that angry place. I also feel so much guilt for being sick in the first place. Of course the medical bills are crazy, the doctors co-pays alone are ridiculous, and we won't mention the medications, plus two emergency room visits this month alone. Plus we went from a two income to a one income family. I applied for unemployment but was declined because I worked for a non-profit organization. So I often feel guilt about not being able to work, even though I know it's way out of my control.  We have made a lot of adjustments. But I feel that my family must be becoming resentful and tired. Of course, the logical, old part of me knows this is not true, but it is an emotion I am really struggling with.
     Today is day three working on this post, and I had an appointment with my new Primary Care Doctor. Again, amazing. He was comforting and reassuring, and thorough. He did not hide his astonishment when I shared my story as to why I am switching doctors in the middle of treatment. He was shocked to hear that I was able to walk or talk at all while my TSH 205, and his comment was that I must be very strong, and once I am through treatment I should regain strength quickly. He expressed concern about heart damage, but said that is not a worry for today, and that can be managed. He even made a promise, as my Primary doctor to always manage and monitor my care with other doctors. That was very comforting to me. 
     So it is my hope that I am nearing the end. I have so much more to my story, most of it better to be shared when I am not so emotional. Please say a prayer on Wednesday, I am nervous about the PET scan, it sounds like it is quite a test. It will take nearly 2 hours. 
     I would like to end this by saying thank you my family. I have been an emotional crazy woman at home. The poor men in my life NEVER know what will make cry. They are great patient men. My sister has been amazing driving me to doctor appointments and tests and holding my hand, asking questions I forget. My other sister calls often to check on me.  I can hear the worry in her voice. She lives in Tennessee and I know in her heart she wishes she were here, but she came for a week to help find a group home for my father, and had to go back. But I know she's here in spirit. Thank you to my friend Deena that always checks on me and visits often, and to my friends, through Facebook that show their support. I certainly don't feel alone anymore.  I love you all.

Hopes and Dreams

"If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through"  -Chinese Proverb
     I used to dream of being a beautiful ballerina dancing on stage, now I dream of just being able to dance again.
     I used to dream of being a rock star like Joan Jett. Now I just dream of singing while I do chores around the house.
     I used to dream of being thin and fit and running 5 miles a day. Now I dream of taking a walk to the end of the block with my grandchildren.
     I used to dream of having a fancy important job, Now I dream of being able to work one day in the future.
     I used to dream of having a bikini body, now I dream of walking on a beach in bare feet.
     
     I used to worry about having a clean, pretty house. Now I am thankful for any help I can get, or even being able to sweep the floor once in a while.
     I used to love to be able to hop in the car and drive. Now I look forward to the day I can drive.

     I used to think I had a lot of friends. Now I am so grateful for the GREAT friends that I have.
     Hopes and dreams can change. Life changes unexpectedly. I am so thankful to be here and I look forward to one day (soon) being able to do each thing listed above. I will forever be thankful for the little moments in life and not take them for granted.
      

 

"Pray like it all depends on God, then when you are done, go work like it all depends on you."

Martin Luther
  You could say that I am an emotional person. I feel almost every emotion everyday. Sadness, frustration, pain, empathy, guilt, helplessness.....  One emotion I don't often feel is anger. It is a useless emotion, and I think my ability to forgive easily helps a lot with this. 
   Well, I am ANGRY! I am seething with it. I can feel it boiling up inside me, wanting to get out. I want to smash things and scream and punch something. Fortunately, I don't have the physical strength for any of that. And I believe this anger will pass, and pass quickly. I don't think I have ever felt like this before. I have always felt that anger is like a blame game. By refusing to take any culpability for your actions, your anger is displaced on someone else.
    So you may ask whom I am so angry at. I am angry at 4 doctors that I trusted with my life, my health, my future. I decided to go with a certain health system which has a good reputation, even against others advice, people I trust more than anything else in the world. Why would I do this? Faith. At the time I had made the choice, and felt that I had to have faith in God and faith in my choice and doctors and all would be okay. Oh how wrong I was. As I have learned all my lessons, I have also learned this the hard. I still believe in faith, I believe in miracles, but as the quote above says, it's good to have faith, but faith without action is like a beautiful car without a transmission. So, well, beyond a shadow of a doubt, 4 doctors left me blowing in the wind. I believe each felt I was the responsiblity of the other, therefore somehow I got lost in the middle.
     So, after all that rambling, it brings me to my story, and why I am so angry. Thank you for your patience so far. As many of you know, 3-4 weeks ago I started having dizzy spells, lapse of memory, loss of balance. All of this led to me to have several falls, one of which I sprained my ankle, and my wrist. My wrist only hurts sometimes now, but I am still having a lot of issues with my ankle. While at the emergency room (not the hospital I had my surgery at) they were more concerned with WHY I was falling and did a battery of tests. They diagnosed me with bradycardia (low heart rate) and said I need to see my endocrinologist within 2 days. That was on Tues, Aug 30th. On Wednesday, Aug 31, I called the endo's office and was told I need to speak with Chris, who (of course) I had leave to a message. She did not return my call until the next day, Thursday Sept. 1. She informed me the office would be closed until Wed. Sept 7th., and to call back then. Are you kidding me? Anyway in the meantime my symptoms only got worse. I began to slur my speech, could not walk a straight line. bumped into walls, continued to fall, began vomiting and not holding down any food, and passed out twice. Also the cramps and spasms in my hips and legs worsened, becoming quite difficult to walk. Not to mention I was sleeping at least 14-16 hours a day. On Wed. 9:00 a.m. I called, got her to the phone only by throwing a fit, she says to me, "well, I don't understand why you are not checking your blood sugar regularly."  I said "Uh... cuz I'm not diabetic" so she says, well what happened to your meter, did you lose it" I said, I don't know think you know who  I am, but I do not see Dr. Rosenblatt for Diabetes, He is treating me for THYROID CANCER! and than thought to myself (dumbass!!!!!). She puts me on hold and when she comes back on she says Dr would like to see you right away so how is OCT 3rd. That was it, I was done!!! I called my PCP and was told by her secretary that I already have an appointment on the 29th and would not be able to get in any sooner.
     After talking to Keith and Mike on Sunday, Sept 11 by which time I knew I was in serious trouble, We decided to notify the hospital I saw for the sprained ankle/wrist and see what they suggest. I left on online request for a phone call at 10 p.m. Well I received a call back by 9:15 the very next morning! Imagine that. I explained the situation and was told I need to find a new PCP first, and together, we found one that seemed like a good fit. Well, my luck, being what it is, his father passed away the day before and would be out all this week so I can't see him til next week. Still better than the others. I still knew I needed to act on my instincts, and decided to call my Bad-Ass Sister who has survived cancer 4 times and takes no crap from any doctor. I asked her to call the oncologist she has used for 20 years as they have such a great relationship. First she spoke with the office manager to explain my situation, and within one hour the doctor himself called her back! He told her If I could not see a doctor the very next day, I am to go to emergency, that I am in a very dangerous situation. 
     My husband took the next day off, I packed a bag and off we went. They were very busy!!!!! We waited 2 hours just for a cubby in the er. again, blood was drawn, a CT of my head from when I bumped it from passing out, chest xrays, an ekg. And then the waiting. The thyroid tests take forever, and came back that my TSH (thyroid stimulated hormone) was at 207. On June 13th is was 27.5. A  normal level is between 0.03 and 1.7. I knew I was off the synthroid to go hypo, but no one kept track of me, I should have began treatment sometime around 80. I was told I was myxedema, and very close to a myxedema coma. It is a very dangerous state, often fatal and almost always leads to permanent heart damage. They were able to get a hold of my sisters oncologist who is seeing me tomorrow, and he said to put me immediately on the highest dose of sythroid. How can well trained well experienced doctors allow this to happen? How can a doctor I have never spoken to but has cared for sister for so long step in and care so much about my health, even though he has never met me?
     I have learned a great life lesson, though. Faith can move mountains, Faith can achieve great things, but we must not have blind Faith. We must play an active role in that Faith and trust ourselves as well, after all, that is a form of Faith as well. We must use all of our resources, even if that resource is your Big Bad Ass Sister! 
    I may not be able to have Radioactive Iodine Treatment. Going hypo in any way now will be too dangerous, so we must come up with a Plan B. I don't know what is in my future. I am sure there will still be many bumps, but For the first time in such a long time I feel I have people on my side, fighting for me. I am so glad I just didn't sit back and wait because would have had tragic results!

Chrysalis/Changes

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”

     As any of you that have followed my blog at all know, My life has been through many, many changes over the last 6 months. So many that I don't even recognize it anymore. But, if you recall my first post, and even the quote I keep at the top, this blog is about change, finding my bliss, and how to stop chasing butterflies, allowing them to come to me. 
     I know that I have had a very difficult time emotionally, I have lost faith and hope and was ready to give up on so many occasions, and that was definitely not the way in which I expected this blog to go. But those were the feelings I was having at the time, and putting them in writing was healing and cathartic. But over time I have come to realize that it was necessary to go through all that I to reachmy final destination.
     I also have made some huge realizations as of late. Despite past postings, I have never been alone. Also, the Aztec Warrior Princess I have been searching for has been inside me all along, lying in wait until I was ready for her. And my angel, whom I picture as my mother never deserted me, at times she would sit quietly allowing me to find the strength and character within myself, and perhaps so that I could learn, as Psalm 46 says "Be still and know that I am God."   
     I am healing emotionally and spiritually, even as my physical health is failing. Where I was having 3 or 4 panic attacks a week, I have only had three in about a month. I still have my bad days, but they are becoming farther apart. I will be doing something and suddenly realize I haven't cried in a few days. I find myself smiling and interacting more, and even laughing here and there. This is such a long way from where I was. I have not shared this with anyone, not my counselor, not my group, not my psychiatrist,  mostly for fear of being sent way, and this has been eating me inside out, and I need to rid myself of it. At my lowest points, when fear and loathing and despair had overtaken me, I had an overwhelming need to hurt myself. Not suicide, not a serious injury, but would dig my nails and scratch my arm so badly I would often bleed, and today I am left with many scars on my upper left arm. And once I took my "honeybee" scissors which are razor sharp scrapbooking scissors and had them pressed to my arm ready to carve "help" into my arm. At that moment I believe my mother came to me and held me until it passed. I have not tried since. I have also cut my fingernails very short, and a very dear friend bought me a beautiful cross called "a clinging cross" and it is designed to fit just right into your hand for comfort and solace. It is now the first thing I reach for when I become upset. Instead of dwelling on the act of hurting myself, I realize that all of the acts I have taken since, are steps toward healing. Cutting my nails, clinging my cross, choosing not to keep this secret any longer. So you can see why I felt as if I was alone and frightened in such a dark place.
     So as I heal from all of this, my physical health is failing. The dizzy spells are getting worse, I have been vomiting, alot, I am sleeping 14-16 hours a day. My muscles spasm and ache all the time, especially in my legs and hips. Even a tiny task, such a quick trip to the grocery store is overwhelming. The thought of walking to the back of the store for milk or eggs causes my chest to squeeze and makes me want to lay on the floor right there and give up. But I DON'T! I slowly walk to the back, get what is needed and check out. Also progress. I am used to physical pain, I have lived with it for a long time. Enduring physical pain is a walk in the park compared to the emotional ride I have been on. I also know, that once I receive treatment for the cancer and get back my medication I will slowly gain my strength and health back.
    Also, during my lowest times, my family was facing so many crises that I did not think I would make it to the other side. But as life goes on, changes become normalcy, life goes on and people adjust. I did not think my family would ever be the same with the separation of my son and his wife. I did not want my grandchildren to endure it, or feel sadness. But as they have adjusted, and settle into a new routine they are happy, and thriving. They know they are loved and safe with both their parents. They have two sets of Grandparents that add to their care and ensure they know they are loved. Their aunts and uncles on both sides take time to spend with them. I have seen my son smile the most since he was in high school. This is not an attempt to lessen his marriage in any way, I believe Mike and Kara loved (love) each other very much! But sometimes that is not enough. We are spending more time with Mike and the kids than ever, and our family has grown closer.
     When we were told we needed to move because the landlord wanted to put the house on the market, I did not think I could face a move. I was too exhausted. But we have moved, we are almost settled, and once again what I thought was tragic and overwhelming has been a positive change. I feel as if I have left so many bad things behind in the old house, and I am able to face the next stage in a "clean, fresh environment" I have issues with feeling safe. More emotional than anything. My "safe" place at that house was a small space behind my dresser, nearly into my closet. Here I have a bedroom that feels like a sanctuary. It is cozy, painted the perfect color purple, has a door wall that looks into a peaceful backyard, and I have hung all of my angel pictures which are so comforting to me.
     I guess the moral to this story is as difficult as it can be, change can be good. Change can be healing. Change is inevitable. My life is evolving, not like I thought it would, but as I see now we don't always know what's best for our future. And for the first time in a long time, I see a future. And I have also realized, that I am not chasing butterflies, I AM the butterfly, waiting, changing, transforming in my chrysalis, waiting until I am a fully developed butterfly. Maybe not perfect, maybe not quite whole, but changed. Survived. Ready to fly and move on to the next stage of my life. Thank you all for taking this crazy ride with me.

     

Thyroid Cancer/Hypothyroidism

Life is not measure by the breaths we take, but rather by the moments that take our breath away.

     This has always been my favorite quote. It was the very first thing I thought as I held my grandson 15 minutes after his birth. That day changed my life forever. I also believe my grandchildren have saved my life more than a few times since my health began to fail and I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. I write a lot here about my emotions, but today I would like to speak about how Thyroid Cancer has physically affected my life, and talk a little about how serious and complicated a disease it is. It is certainly not the "piece of cake" I was lead to believe it would be.
     I would like to begin by saying it is considered "the good cancer" because it has such a high survival rate. What doctors fail to tell you is all the things that could go wrong, as well as that is requires care FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
     So this is what has happened to my body since February. Of course a great fear overwhelmed me because it was "cancer" and acceptance took a while. So I had to prepare for surgery on May 6th when they took my entire thyroid out, as well 8 lymphs. The prognosis was good, but wait...... first complication. I fell into hypothyroidism so quickly that after only 5 days I was told treatment would have to be postponed and I was to go back on meds immediately. So the summer has been spent having blood taken, Drs. appts. and waiting. In mid July I was taken off the sythroid in order to prepare for treatment. By treatment I mean Radioactive Iodine Treatment, something most people have within 6 weeks of surgery. I have of course had all of these emotion issues which seem to be semi-controlled by medication. Now because of being hypothyroid I feel my body is failing me. It started out as lack of energy and leg pains and cramps. While moving, I really pushed my body beyond it's limits, which led to dizziness, stumbling, unsteadiness, loss of concentration, and some days an absolute inability to stay awake. All this has lead to several falls. On my last fall, I sprained my ankle quite severely, and sprained my wrist and they thought my thumb was broken, but it is not. My ankle is bruised from my toes, half way up my calf, all around.
     I am no longer able to drive. Of course the ankle pain, but my reflexes are slow and I find myself drifting or making slow decisions. Sometimes I sleep for 12-14 hours a day. Somedays I slur my words and sound drunk. My heartrate is low, between 50-60 bpm and my core body temperature cannot rise above 96.8. Any small task can cause me to run out of breath, or feel as if I may pass out. Even as simple as sweeping the floor. I will know soon if my body is ready for my RAI but that whole process takes takes 3-4 weeks, and I must stay off my meds during the whole process.
     This is what I have ahead of me. First a two week low iodine diet in which there very little I am able to eat. The idea behind this is the less iodine you have in your system, the more of the radioactive iodine you can absorb. After that I will go to the Nuclear Med Dept for a shot to prepare for a whole body scan. The next day I go back and they will determine if any thyroid tissue or cancer has spread anywhere else. If I am lucky, the will decide that day my RAI dose and give it to me that day. Then I must stay at least 10  feet from all family members for 4 days and children and pets for 7. If I pee, I must flush twice and wipe the seat. My clothing and bedding must not be washed with anyone elses. I must use throw away plates cups and silverware. Any magazine or books I read must be thrown out when finished. My body will actually be radioactive to others. Afterward, they will do another scan to make sure it is all gone. If so, then I can go back onto synthroid, but it will take time to get the dose just right. After that I should begin to feel better, but will have to be monitored for the rest of my life. Many people have gone through this. As long as I can get through the next 30 days, it will not kill me. I am in the dangerous stage now. But I do look forward to my future, despite my occasion rantings and breakdowns.
     It is getting more difficult to speak as well, my voice is very raspy and tires easily. I have pain and cramps almost constantly in my legs and hips, I have trouble making decisions. These are the things I ask that you pray for that will go away after treatment when I am back on meds. Thank you for letting me tell my story, it is so healing to get it out, purge if you will.

     

White flag

I have surrendered. For the past few months I have held onto Faith, Hope and the future until my hands have cramped and my fingers have bled. I am letting go now. I have lost my faith, I have lost all hope, and the thought of even one moment into the future is too exhausting to think about. So, I have let go and I am falling into the darkness. I will land soon. I will be alone in my darkness. My angel is not coming back. all the doors are locked from the outside. There is no Aztec Warrior Princess. She was a figment of my imagination, a dream I cannot achieve. I have accepted my fate. I am not afraid. I have sadness and despair with me which I will keep locked inside my secret dark place with me. I will go on, I will smile and say I am good, because that's what others need to hear. I will go on because I do not want to leave sadness in the hearts of those I love. I will go on because I wish to see my grandchildren grow up and they are a bright spot in all this madness. My pain is mine and my alone. It has decided to stay. It will be my secret companion. Thank you all who have tried to help, it was stronger than us all. I am tired and have no weapons left to fight. Maybe Faith and Hope will find me again some day, and until then I will be here waiting......

Dear God.....

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 

Dear God,

     I love you. I have believed in you my whole life. I read your word and pray to you every day. I have been told my entire life that you would never give me more than I can handle. I see your little miracles every day in my life, even amongst all of the strife I am going through, and I thank you. I still have full faith in you, and know that I am in your hands.

     I don't know if you are just really busy right now, I know the world is in chaos, but I am ready to break. You must have great faith in me and feel that I can handle all of this, but I am tired, exhausted is a better word. If I must handle more in my life, you must give me more strength! I am hanging from a rope with only on strand left, and that is beginning to fray. My tears feel like fire on my face. My heart feels shattered, battered and broken. Please heal it, Lord. I try to imagine my Mother's arms around me keeping me safe, giving me strength, but that image is fading. Please send my angel back to me just until I am stronger. I love you Oh Lord, and believe in you, and need you now more than ever. 

Your Faithful Daughter,

Roberta 

Overwhelmed

“What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability. It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are.”
    It is impossible to explain to people how difficult it is for me to do things that are easy for others, or just need to get done. Sometimes just the thought of a task can be overwhelming. Walking around with a broken heart doesn't make life easier, either.
     My father was released from the hospital today. We took him home, and now we are faced with the decision whether or not to start hospice. Once we got him home, my sister had to go speak to the support and nursing staff. He was sitting in his recliner and told me he needed to use the bathroom and started to get up. He is too weak to stand. It was up to me to see that he got into his wheelchair safely and to the bathroom safely then back again. Obviously, my strength is not as it should be. I was so scared and so overwhelmed! I was afraid I couldn't hold him up, that he would fall. I began to feel the tightening in my chest and the feeling of being unable to breathe. I talked myself down from the panic attack because my father needed me. I had to dig down deep within myself to find the strength to do what needed to be done. While I kept it together then, I am a wreck inside now.
     Also, this past weekend we moved my oldest son into an apartment because he and his wife have separated. My heart is so broken. I want to hold him and the grandkids and not let go, but he is handling it all well. Sometimes the weight of it all make me feel as if I am drowning, or  being crushed by such a heavy weight I cannot breathe, but must go on. I feel myself pushing down my feelings again and have an overwhelming urge to curl up on the floor and go inside myself. It's safe there. I need to feel safe. It is not a feeling I experience often. My emotions are too fragile. I need to find something to hold onto to begin to climb out of this dark place again. I was beginning to see some light, but now something is blocking it, like they have put the cover on a well and I am trapped!
     So, I will cry for a while, I will pray, I will read psalms, which is always a comfort, and I will fight. I have very little strength left. I need to find it. I have no time to think about myself right now, because my family needs me, but I still have cancer to deal with, treatments to go through. Please continue to pray and support me and my family. 

 

Behind These Sad Brown Eyes - a poem

Look behind these sad brown eyes,

                        there is a world which I despise

Too many voices, too much pain,

they tell me I'm worthless, and even insane.

They are winning the battle, my strength nearly gone

my mind will be theirs soon, if I do not stay strong.

So tired of fighting, I just want to sleep,

I cannot get out, I'm in way too deep.

Lying alone on the bathroom floor,

I know in my heart I can't take much more.

Tears like a monsoon, they just won't stop

I am drowning myself with each teardrop.

Too weak to get up, won't open my eyes,

each time that this happens a part of me dies.

My family grows weary as my illness progresses,

their patience is waning, they have their own stresses.

I need the arms of an angel to wrap me secure,

she must be strong, patient, confident, and sure.

To fight off the demons my mind has created,

They won't stop attacking until the are sated.

My mind is my prison, my demons my guards,

my will has been broken, laying in shards.

My angel must help me, regain faith and hope

for without either I will not learn to cope.

Please come to me angel, come save my soul,

before it is too late and I lose all control.

I haven't much time, the sands running out,

the demons are closer, and milling about.

My angel is here now, at my side she will fight,

she'll lead me through darkness, and into the light,

The face of my mother, so long ago passed,

She will hold me and love me and save me at last.

Standing at the door and knocking

"In one's self lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn,the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself."  -Jiddu Krishnamurti


    In one of my first posts called "Doors and Windows" I wrote about feeling lost in the dark, looking for a door or window to help me to get out of this lonely desolate place. Each day I make small little steps and I am learning new skills, as well as learning to like my self, just a little each day. I have been crying alot the last few days after the panic attack my kids had to witness, plus going to Gilda's for my first group was scary and healing at the same time. Just expelling these emotions is so exhausting!!! People who think you can "Just snap out of it" in regards to depression or other mental illness, just don't understand. I will say it again. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. I will never be the same, and like alcoholism and drug addiction, I know I will overcome, but struggle with this the rest of my life. I need to be stronger than it. 
     So that brings me back  to the "doors and windows."  If you read that post you know that I felt as if I was stumbling in the dark looking for a door to get me out of this dark place. Well, today I feel as if I have made it far enough in the dark to find a door, but the door is locked, and I have no key. I am pounding and pounding until my fists are bloody, but cannot open the door. I know that no one can open it for me. It is up to me. I must leave the safety of the door, and go to find the key in the dark, hoping to be able to find the elusive door once again, and then praying that the key will fit. That key will be made of strength, self-confidence, love and acceptance of myself, peace, and happiness. I will find pieces of it along the way, put it together, and return to the door to open it and walk through it to live the rest of my life.
    This journey is so long and arduous. Sometimes I grow tired and weary. Other days I feel as if I can walk miles and make great strides! It is a roller coaster ride, and I never did care for roller coasters. I am more of a tilt-o-whirl or bumper cars kind of girl. Keep me close to the ground. Roller coasters make me feel unsafe, afraid, and out of control.
     I feel as if I'm rambling, so I will end by thanking once again those of you that are holding my hand and helping me along this journey. Thank you to those that read my blog, and offer words of comfort and support. You are helping more than you know.

Gilda's Club

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection." ~Buddha
       I want to start off by explaining some of my feelings of sadness and sorrow and panic. I need to make it very clear that I do not feel sorry for myself. It is not self-pity. What I experience is self-loathing. Not quite hatred, but close. I am really, really, really working hard on this. I don't hate myself, I hate that I have lost certain qualities, and have acquired others. I hate feeling fear and panic and anxiety all the time. I hate that I am weak. I especially hate that my children see me that way. I hate being so fragile. Everyone around me feels like they have to walk on eggshells in case the smallest misconstrued comment causes me to sink into a deep state of sorrow or even worse, panic. Again, I DO NOT feel sorry for myself. I am doing everything and anything to get better. I think that if it was self-pity I would just wallow and whine and not do anything to get better.
    That being said, I would like to talk about the newest step towards my healing, Gilda's Club. It is an amazing place. It is in a large old house in Royal Oak, and they have kept it very much a cozy home like atmosphere. The rooms are welcoming and decorated with comfortable furniture, and you feel like you can kick off your shoes and get comfortable. As a member (which is free) you can go anytime and use any room to read, listen to your mp3, bring your laptop, just a safe place to hang out. They also offer free workshops, such as yoga, meditation, reiki, painting, beading, scrapbooking..... I could go on and on. Then there are wellness groups once a week, which I attended yesterday, and will talk about in a minute. As well as once a month groups for specific types of cancer. Mine will fall into the head and neck category. Then there are potlucks and movie nights and lectures. It is going to be a great place to help me find myself. 
    My first wellness group was yesterday and at first I wasn't sure if I would fit in at all! I was the youngest in the room, and it was quite obvious that the group had been together for a long time and were very tight knit. But they welcomed me with open arms and were kind and comforting. I think I will fit well into the group. I think their experience and wealth of knowledge will be helpful to me. It's amazing how you can open up in front of strangers and tell them things you feel that you can't tell your closest loved ones. I got a true, well meant hug from each one of them, and that was greatly needed. I need to be touched and hugged, and I live with all boys, so sometimes they don't think to do that enough. 
     Today I have counseling and I have a lot to share with him. I have made a choice not to hold my pain in anymore,  and while talking about it and bringing things up long ago buried is painful in itself, healing comes with pain, and I know I have a great team on my side. As I've said before, it will take a village to get me well, who knew that village included so many people I hadn't even met yet. I believe in my heart God has brought each one of these people into my life, and those that are my biggest supporters have stayed by my side through it all, and I thank them and love them all. In tragedy, you really find who is important to you, and learn to treasure those relationships.  Gilda's club has it's own language, there are certain phrases they ask you to replace with others. I love the term "Cancer Warrior" That is how I picture myself as I want to be. That Aztec Warrior Princess. They like to replace "fighting cancer" with "regaining control and well being" I'll take either one. I AM in a battle, more within myself than with cancer, but it is a war, and I fight it everyday. But, ultimately I am regaining control and well being. So maybe it is a combination of both. So, thank you Gilda's Club, thank you CSSOC (my counseling center), thank you to all my doctors, and especially thank you to my family and true friends for helping pull me to the other side. I'll get there, and in the end, no matter what I will always be there for you too. I love you all.

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself."  ~Alan Alda
 

Panic and Hope

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do.  Eleanor Roosevelt 

      I had another panic attack today. Don't know what triggered it. Had a lot of stress today. But I was at home. Hubby was at work. So, my boys had to help me through it.  This breaks my heart. First of all, the fact that I have them at all is frightening and makes me feel weak and oh so small. But that my children see me like that kills me inside. They were great though. Justin got a cold cloth and put it on the back of my neck and reminded me to breath. In and out. In and out. Jeff called his Dad right away to see what else they could do. They didn't think about it, they just acted. They are so amazing. I can't help but wonder, though, if I am somehow damaging them. I know they are grown. They are 18 and 19 and have incredible hearts and great heads on their shoulders, but what child needs to see their mother like that no matter the age. I need to get better.  I am doing all I can but it doesn't seem to be fast enough for me.  Counseling, psychiatrist, tomorrow group therapy at Gilda's, books, bible verses, prayer, blogging, meditation, breathing, self-talk. I can think of no more to do to make it better faster. I keep saying "And this too shall pass" and a thousand other things over and over. I feel like I take a few steps forward and get knocked back on my ass again.  I keep getting up, though, and will continue to do so. Then this stupid disease can knock me down again and again and I will just keep getting up. Wow, I'm exhausted just thinking about it!!! It just drives me crazy that I have cancer and I can't even think or worry about that because I have to expend so much energy on depression and panic disorder.  Maybe it's good, because thyroid cancer is the most confusing frustrating thing ever!! There is so much involved and the doctors throw all these "numbers" at  me and I have no idea what they mean and then I go to my online thyca support group and they tell me different things than the doctors and tell  me to find new doctors and it just goes round and round. And I want to have my treatment. I want my whole body scan and I want them to tell me what I need to do so I can move on. I feel as if I am in limbo. But they won't do anything because of my mental issues. I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Ok, I am sorry I lost it for a minute. One thing I have learned is to enjoy the little things, and I have really learned to slow down and sometimes it's as easy as putting on my headphones and listening to a few of my favorite songs with my eyes closed and just bbbrrreeeaaattthhhiiinnnggg..... again, in and out. In and out. Sometimes I just like to sit on the porch and watch my dog play with his favorite soccer ball. Or watch my granddaughter play with her babies or cuddle with my grandson. A walk down the street becomes a moment of thankfulness. And this may be hard for some to understand, but if I'd never gotten sick, I'd still be working and would not be able to spend this time with my sister and my dad. When I look at my dad I am so thankful to have this time with him. I am {{{almost}}} over the guilt of the time that I lost with him.  One thing I have finally learned is to let go of the past, renew relationships that are worth renewing, and live for today. Worrying about tomorrow is too stressful and guaranteed to bring on a panic attack, so I am trying to live in the moment, whether it be watching the wind in the trees, smelling flowers, watching  my grandchildren, spending a quiet moment with my dad, a hug from my very patient husband,  or knowing what great men my boys have become. My journey feels as if I have a thousand miles more to go, but it continues.

Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  And today?  Today is a gift.  That's why we call it the present.  ~Babatunde Olatunji

     

The Oak Tree - A Poem

"The Oak Tree"

A mighty wind

blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

then snapped it's boughs

and pulled it's bark

until the oak tree was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held it's ground

while other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you be standing, Oak?"

The oak tree said, "I know that you

can break each branch of mine in two,

carry every leaf away,

shake my limbs and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

growing stronger since my birth,

You'll never touch them, for you see,

they are the deepest part of me.

Until today I wasn't sure

of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I am stronger than I ever knew." 

Darkness- a poem

Darkness

 

It's dark where I am

alone and afraid

The loneliest place

myself, I have made.

Unable to breath

afraid to open my eyes

and see the terrible things

I am facing on all sides.

I pray for silence

but my mind loudly screams

with thoughts of fear

self-hatred and many lost dreams.

My will has been broken 

as has so my heart

I am no longer strong

I have fallen apart.

Too small to fight

to scared to run

curled up in a ball

I give up, I am done.

My sorrow has won

It's will so much tougher

I will lie still in the dark

left alone to suffer.

Please throw down a life line

and save me from this place

I need a somewhere soft to land

and heal with time and space.

Can anybody hear me?

Is anybody there?

I know people love me 

I know people care.

So somebody save me

be my hero my guide

I need someone with me

that will not leave my side.

I hate this dark place 

my mind is my prison

I want to be better 

I want this all to be done.

 

Lost and Found

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."  -Henry David Thoreau

     I have been giving a lot of thought as to why I may feel such deep sorrow lately. Probably too much. But part of my therapy is to replace one negative self talk with a positive one, so I have also spent time thinking of the things I have "found" if you will. I have decided that I am in a somewhat mourning period over things I have lost or can longer do, as I went over in a previous post. So first I wanted to write about the things that Migraines, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism,  Thyroid Cancer, and mental disorders (that is the first time I have ever admitted out loud that it is much more than depression) have taken away from me.
      I am not sure to begin, but I will just start. The first thing I noticed that I really lost was my ability to enjoy the things I love like sunshine and light and most of all children. When my migraines began to be set off by sunlight and bright florescent lighting things changed a lot. I cannot go outside on a beautiful day without sunglasses. If the sun is too bright and hits me just so I immediately vomit. My house is usually like a cave. Shades drawn, few lights on, TV volume low,  I cannot wear perfume. I am sure it has been difficult on my family. My husband and sons so badly want an awesome stereo system, but I would not be able to be home when they listen to it. Even my dog barking can trigger a migraine. Thank goodness he rarely does it in the house.  
     I had a job that I absolutely LOVED. I got to love, hold, kiss and play with one and two year olds every day. It was so rewarding and made me feel so needed. But a room of 20 toddlers can be very loud and hectic. Also, the over head lights in the room were just killers, and of course, I could not were sunglasses inside. I was given permission to wear a hat on bad days, but really felt silly and like I stood out. The girls that I worked with every day are amazing people and we all supported each other. I have lost that every day companionship.  So, about a year ago my boss moved me to the office where it was quieter and more controlled. I found that I was very good at that as well, and felt everything would be okay. But then I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer and my health and mental well being faded fast. At the end of April I was no longer able to work, and have not worked since. Last Thursday my doctor told me I may not able to work for some time, if ever, and certainly not in that atmosphere, and probably NEVER full time again. Obviously, this has had a major impact on our household income as well.  I know I am strong, and can overcome a lot, but this was just another terrible blow to me.
     I lost nearly 5 years with my father, and he is no longer the man he used to be. He has dementia  and has become so frail. He will no longer eat so he has no strength. He has a cannot walk on his own. I would give anything to have that lost time back.
     Because of Hypothyroidism it is becoming difficult to drive. My children or husband drive me most places. I can still drive, but my mind often feels "disconnected" so I will only go short distances. Also, my Psychiatrist says if the panic attacks don't get better by our next visit, we will have to talk about taking a break from driving until they improve.  Going out alone can also be an issue, because I have no clue when a panic attack may happen. A store can quickly become overwhelming. The noise, the people, the amount of items, it can all be too much. I used to be very organized when shopping, use coupons, bargain hunt, you name it. But now my mind gets fuzzy and I can become confused and overwhelmed easily. That is why I often don't like to leave the house, even though ALL of my doctors agree (I am being treated by 5) that I need to leave at least once a day, or it could quickly become a bigger issue.
      I could go on, but I would like to talk about what I have found in the past few months, as I am trying to focus on those instead. I have found what true unconditional love is. My children and husband will do absolutely anything for me, and no matter how deep in despair I am they ALWAYS help me through. I have never known a love like this before. They have always loved me, but I used to be the rock, the doer of all things. Now that I can longer be that person, they have stepped up big time.  I have found a new relationship with my father, and am trying to forget about what I have missed, and just enjoy the time we have left. Holding his hand, watching him sleep, just visiting, even if he doesn't know it's me, it's ok. Sometimes I just sit on my porch and watch the trees move. It's amazing how if you just stop and be still for a few minutes what you can see and how much peace you can feel, if only for a few minutes. I have always adored my grandchildren, but now every single moment I spent with them is a gift. They are love personified. I can feel how much they love me with just a touch or  look.  
     I now believe in miracles even more than ever before.  I see small miracles everyday. I fought tooth and nail with my insurance company to get a female counselor, but it just didn't work out. The minute I shook Dr. Wroble's hand I knew he was the right one for me. He is amazing and patient and helpful. Like Garth Brooks said, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." Also,  I never wanted a dog, but my son and husband REALLY did and bugged and bugged until I gave in. I did and gave conditions. He had to be housebroken, he COULD NOT be a shedder, and only medium size, no big dogs. Hercules is none of these. He is 1/2 German Shepherd and 1/2 Husky so he is definitely a shedder. We got him at 8 weeks and was a pain to housebreak! And he weighs almost 100 lbs. But, despite all that, I believe he has saved my life a few times. He is so tuned in to my emotions it is uncanny. When I have been inconsolable and on the brink of a breakdown, he is always right there, watching, loving, protecting. The minute I begin crying he is at my side and will not leave. The dog I never wanted has become the dog I cannot live without.
     I have also discovered the power of writing. It is catharsis. Cleansing and purifying. Even if nobody were to ever read a word, I feel purged when I am done. I have found so many other blessings in my life I could keep going, but you get the picture. So, at the end of what I am sure is going to be a long bumpy process I think the most important thing I am going to find is the new me. I now know that she is within me, hiding, waiting for me to heal to reveal herself in small increments. She is going to be amazing. I can't wait to meet her.
    
  

 

The Battle

“God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”  unknown


     Is it possible to actually die from sorrow?  Some days I think my sorrow may actually kill me. It has certainly broken me and taken away everything that I used to be. I will go along for a few days, and feel glimpses of it  creeping in and out like a little imp toying with me, and then BOOM! it invades me and has taken over my whole being.  I have never know a pain such as this. I feel I could carve "Help me" into my skin with a hot dagger and it would be less painful. I cannot even think back to the girl that I used to be. I was strong, held a great job that I loved, ran my family and made decisions, was able to go places alone without fear and panic, Where the hell did she go?
     I had my worse panic attack yet the other day. All it took was a little comment from a family member. 
My chest was squeezing, I alternated between hyperventilating and unable to take a breathe. My right arm was shaking and flailing uncontrollably. I could not stand, I could not speak. By that I mean my voice was locked and I physically could not speak. It lasted 15 minutes. That was the longest one yet.  Am I getting better or worse? . We went to my endo yesterday and spoke at length with him about my emotional pain. He suggested that yes, most others would need a week or two stay away and intense therapy. However, he said that most people would not be trying as hard as I to overcome this, and that I have great insight and great support at home as well as weekly visits with my counselor and monthly with my psychiatrist. He suggested I spend a few days "at rest"  with no pressures, as little stress as possible and get as much sleep as possible. Apparently averaging 3 to 5 hours sleep a night catches up to you and is very hard on your body and emotions. The last few nights the sleeping has been much better. I think the new meds have adjusted and are working.
      I have a lot of time to think and I believe there is a war waging for my soul, or mind if you will. The evil imp really wants me to surrender. The harder I fight, the harder he fights back. I guess I need to find more strength and fight back even harder. I am just SO tired! I want too lay down my weapons and surrender, but I have a family that needs me to keep fighting. So I will continue to read the bible and other inspirational books. I will continue to pray. I will continuing to meditate and breathe and "self-talk.  Please help me by praying, and lighting candles and just be patient while I rediscover myself.


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau
      

My Own Superhero

“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

     As I have shared before, I recently began having panic attacks. If my mind is correct, I have had 9 in three weeks. I wanted to share my panic attacks with you step by step. There is a point to this, but it is important to begin by describing this new stage of my journey.
    During  my first panic attack, for maybe a few seconds I thought I was having a heart attack, but I quickly realized what was actually happening. Only one has happened at home, the others all in public places. It comes on very suddenly. I first begin to tremble. Maybe only in my hands at first, but quickly my entire body. Then I begin to hyperventilate. This only lasts thirthy seconds to a minute, because by then my throat has closed up and I am unable to speak or breathe. I am gasping and getting small breathes, but it feels like I may be dying. During this time my chest begins to squeeze and beat like it is going to explode right out of my chest. Usually by now, about 3 minutes in I have begun crying because it is so terrifying, and I have dropped to my knees because I feel as if my legs will not hold me. By then the nausea has decided to join the party, and  the last two times I have actually vomited. The last stage an absolute overwhelming need to flee comes over me, but I am unable to move. I feel that if I don't leave the place I am at something terrible will happen. I breathe and meditate every day now, so usually by the 5 min mark I am able to get under control through breathing or affirmations I say while meditating. For many hours after, I feel teary and I scold myself for being so weak. 
     When I saw the psychiatrist on Friday we decided to try a new anxiety medicine that has a longer half-life than Xanax, and will stay in my system for 6-8 hours. I believe it is helping. Even though I have had two attacks since Friday, I feel much calmer overall, and I get myself under control much quicker. She did tell me that if the attacks do not get better by our next visit in early August, we will have to talk about not driving until I improve. If I were to have one while driving it would be very dangerous to myself and others. It is difficult to admit that I see both a psychiatrist and a counselor, let alone admit that these symptoms are affecting my life to such an extreme.
     Today I had counseling, as I do every Wed., and at one point he told me I was a very strong person. I immediately began crying and told him I do not feel strong at all. Just the opposite, always being on the verge of tears and the panic attacks make me feel weak and useless. He disagreed, saying that I was a hero, because the easy way out is to hide and go inward. He also pointed out that many people faced with what I have had to face over the last few months { A diagnosis of cancer, surgery, a difficult recovery, insomnia, panic attacks, then throw in an aging, ill father, and the other family situation} would crumble. But I choose to go to counseling every week and do the homework I am given. I choose to go see my father no matter how painful. I make the choice to leave the house and run errands, even knowing I could panic while in the store. I share my feelings with him and on this blog. Each of these steps, he claims, is an act of heroism, and one step closer to the new improved me.
     That got me thinking. Through all this I have cried out for help! I have expected someone on a white horse to come and magically make me better. But I have been hoping for the wrong thing. I have been my own savior all along. I have to rescue myself. My  sidekicks, like my doctors and my family and friends are there in a supporting role. I do not have super powers, but I have hope and faith. They are my weapons of choice. My armor is my drive and determination to get better. My cape does not allow me to fly, but it offers protection from the storms of life each day. Every day I am shedding just a small piece of my former self, and add on another piece of my Aztec Warrior Princess. I still have a long journey, but "A journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step." Glad my superhero wears walking shoes!!

The Journey-a poem

  The Journey

I can't find myself, she is no longer here,

Kidnapped by pain, loneliness and fear.

I am here in the dark, alone and unarmed,

Yet knowing that I will escaped totally unharmed.

The journey is long, but I see faint light ahead,

I choose not to flee, but to stand and fight instead.

I begin with one step, and then take few more,

I keep my eyes straight ahead I don't know what's in store.

With each step I take, a drop of fear falls,

and the new me is waiting, I can hear her calls.

The walk will be long, maybe weeks, months, or a year,

but at the end I will meet a new girl with no fear.

She will look just like me, my identical twin,

but she will be different, at home in her own skin.

We will look to the left and see the little girl lost,

for this journey of mine has come with a cost.

I must say goodbye to the person I once was,

all stories must end, as this one does.

And all I can hope for, all that I seek,

is to find my inner strength, no longer so weak.

So this journey begins one step at a time,

come along with me please and watch me change over time.