"To weep is to make less the depth of grief."
― William Shakespeare
I would like to apologize ahead of time to anyone reading this, as this is going to be a rambling, self-pitying rant of a post. I have to get it out of me, and if you do not want to read on, don't feel obligated. As I once wrote, this blog is for me but I enjoy sharing it and hope others enjoy reading it, however this one may be different.
I am sad, angry, and feel very sorry for myself today. It has been more than a year now that I have been going through this journey. I have had good days and bad, good weeks and bad, and I have just rolled with it. Today my anger is geared towards doctors, health care professionals and websites that told me I had the "good cancer" and that it would be "easy" or "no problem" to all of you I say "BULLSHIT!" As a member of TyCa (the thyroid cancer supoort group) I know that that is RARELY the case. I also know that I am more extreme them most, probably due to my other heath problems such as complicated migraines and depression, but I just wish someone would have told me the truth of how this could be. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!! I am tired of being tired. I hate that I can do less than 20% of what I used to be able to do. I hate that I have to take medicine FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!! I hate the word cancer. I hate being afraid of just about everything. I hate going to the doctors because I don't know if they have ANY idea what they are talking about but I have to do what they say because my life is in their hands. I hate Radioactive Iodine and how I know it is still in my body changing the way that it works. I hate that my children don't have the mother they used to. I hate that my husband has to see me cry so much. I could go on FOREVER!
I know I should be thankful and most days I am. Not today! Today I will cry. Today I will be angry. Today I will have self-pity. Today I will wallow. Today will be about me. Today I just need someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Tomorrow I think I will be ok. Tomorrow I think I can be thankful again. Tomorrow I think I can have positive thoughts. So for me tomorrow can not come soon enough..........
"The sun will come out tomorrow" Annie
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
The New Normal
“Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.” Tara Kelly
I feel as if has been an eternity since I've written. I have a million excuses, the biggest of which is after my father passed, I lost the passion for it (or so I thought). I have started a thousand (ok maybe 15 or 20) posts, but never got past the first paragraph. Everything in my life was in such an upheaval. Since February 22nd of last year, the day I got my confirmed diagnosis of thyroid cancer I just wanted everything to be "normal" again. But the past year has been anything but "normal" It has been a crazy, wild, shit-storm of a ride! I would never, ever EVER want to relive it, but I wouldn't in a million years want to take it back either. In so many ways 2011 was the worst year of my life, but in more ways it was the best.
How can a year that brought cancer, death, and such utter darkness be the best year of someone's life? In that cancer, death and darkness I found so much. To start, I found a strong, positive, amazing woman inside of me that can kick the crap out of just about anything you can throw her way. I also found out how much I love my husband, and how lucky we are to have a relationship like we do. It is rare. If this year didn't chase him away, nothing will. I have also discovered that I have three awesome, compassionate, supportive men in my life that I actually helped to raise. I am so proud and thankful for them, and they always surprise me. They never think twice and just do what needs to be done, always thinking first of me, whether I want them to or not. I must have done something amazing to deserve them.
I also have two grandchildren that I love so much, sometimes when I look at them my heart actually stops for a moment. They are a gift. You have never known true joy until your grandchild looks at you and says "I love you!" It is real, it is pure.
So, what I used to think in my life was "normal", work, home, dinner, laundry, bed, repeat, repeat, repeat, what I wanted back so badly when I was so sick and so sad, is gone forever. It has turned into a new normal. People looking in may see my life as utterly boring, but I see it as amazing. I have come to find joy, peace and thankfulness in so many things. A conversation with my son. A kiss from my husband. A smile from my grandkids. An hour with my best friend Deena. I see miracles in those moments. It's as if my eyes were covered with dark, thick glasses for so many years, and now they are gone and I see everything brighter and clearer.
There is still a sadness within me. I will forever grieve for things that I have lost. I will never forget the dark, cold scary place my mind and soul resided in this summer. My father's eyes in his last days will always haunt me. I will mourn for the break up of my son's marriage. But all of these things brought new beginnings, new insights. I believe everything that has been thrown at me this year could have broken me. It nearly did. But I also believe that the right people were put into my life to help get me through. Anybody reading this is one of those people. My doctors, counselors, my family, members of Gilda's Club, my facebook friends. Everyone of them has crossed my path for a reason. I have learned something from each one of them. I believe there are no accidents, but I do believe in miracles. My life was saved in more ways than one this year, and that is the biggest miracle of all.
So, I will live my new "normal" life, that in it's ordinary way is in no way ordinary. I encourage you all to take off your glasses and really "SEE". Don't wait for a diagnosis of cancer, or the loss of a loved one, or a deep dark depression to live an EXTRAordinary life. Enjoy each moment and know that in every obstacle that is in your way is a chance to learn, to grow and to be thankful.
"You can find something truly important in an ordinary minute." -Mitch Albom
I feel as if has been an eternity since I've written. I have a million excuses, the biggest of which is after my father passed, I lost the passion for it (or so I thought). I have started a thousand (ok maybe 15 or 20) posts, but never got past the first paragraph. Everything in my life was in such an upheaval. Since February 22nd of last year, the day I got my confirmed diagnosis of thyroid cancer I just wanted everything to be "normal" again. But the past year has been anything but "normal" It has been a crazy, wild, shit-storm of a ride! I would never, ever EVER want to relive it, but I wouldn't in a million years want to take it back either. In so many ways 2011 was the worst year of my life, but in more ways it was the best.
How can a year that brought cancer, death, and such utter darkness be the best year of someone's life? In that cancer, death and darkness I found so much. To start, I found a strong, positive, amazing woman inside of me that can kick the crap out of just about anything you can throw her way. I also found out how much I love my husband, and how lucky we are to have a relationship like we do. It is rare. If this year didn't chase him away, nothing will. I have also discovered that I have three awesome, compassionate, supportive men in my life that I actually helped to raise. I am so proud and thankful for them, and they always surprise me. They never think twice and just do what needs to be done, always thinking first of me, whether I want them to or not. I must have done something amazing to deserve them.
I also have two grandchildren that I love so much, sometimes when I look at them my heart actually stops for a moment. They are a gift. You have never known true joy until your grandchild looks at you and says "I love you!" It is real, it is pure.
So, what I used to think in my life was "normal", work, home, dinner, laundry, bed, repeat, repeat, repeat, what I wanted back so badly when I was so sick and so sad, is gone forever. It has turned into a new normal. People looking in may see my life as utterly boring, but I see it as amazing. I have come to find joy, peace and thankfulness in so many things. A conversation with my son. A kiss from my husband. A smile from my grandkids. An hour with my best friend Deena. I see miracles in those moments. It's as if my eyes were covered with dark, thick glasses for so many years, and now they are gone and I see everything brighter and clearer.
There is still a sadness within me. I will forever grieve for things that I have lost. I will never forget the dark, cold scary place my mind and soul resided in this summer. My father's eyes in his last days will always haunt me. I will mourn for the break up of my son's marriage. But all of these things brought new beginnings, new insights. I believe everything that has been thrown at me this year could have broken me. It nearly did. But I also believe that the right people were put into my life to help get me through. Anybody reading this is one of those people. My doctors, counselors, my family, members of Gilda's Club, my facebook friends. Everyone of them has crossed my path for a reason. I have learned something from each one of them. I believe there are no accidents, but I do believe in miracles. My life was saved in more ways than one this year, and that is the biggest miracle of all.
So, I will live my new "normal" life, that in it's ordinary way is in no way ordinary. I encourage you all to take off your glasses and really "SEE". Don't wait for a diagnosis of cancer, or the loss of a loved one, or a deep dark depression to live an EXTRAordinary life. Enjoy each moment and know that in every obstacle that is in your way is a chance to learn, to grow and to be thankful.
"You can find something truly important in an ordinary minute." -Mitch Albom
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