Confession

Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but the stigma and bias shame us all.  -Bill Clinton.


    Would you tell me as a cancer patient to just not have cancer? Or a diabetic to produce more insulin. Or a paraplegic to stand up and walk?  Many of you may not know that I have lived with chronic pain of migraines for 17 years. Given also the fact that I have relatives with bipolar and depression it is no surprise that when diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer I spun into a dark land of fear and depression which I have worked tirelessly for the past year to dig myself out of.  Add in the fact that a main symptom of hypothyrodism, which obviously I have since I no longer have a thyroid it is no wonder I find myself here. Please understand I still a mother, still a wife, a grandmother, a sister, an aunt, a friend. I am no longer ashamed to say I suffer from Major Disorder and Panic Attack Disorder. I was inspired by my hero and friend to "come out". After a very recent (and scary) event I have chosen to share this with the people closest in my life, most of you being my friends here on Facebook. I do not want this to be my families "dirty little secret"  Please do not judge me. Please do not tell me to stop crying or to go for a walk. And don't you dare  tell me or anyone else that you think may be suffering to "just get over it" or by God "snap out of it."  Tell me a joke. Ask what you can do. Allow me to make the ugly cry face and spill my heart  to you. Tell me about your day. Just tell me that you care. I say this not only for me, but for all that battle a condition that is still attached to a stigma and still often only whispered about. I have chosen to fight. There is a fighting spirit inside of me and she is tenacious. Fighting cancer has been difficult, but fighting the depression, the despair the fear has been like climbing Mt. Everest barefoot and blind in a monsoon. I have chosen to write about this here as well as my blog because it seems more cathartic. My name is Roberta and I am depressed. I have panic attacks and breakdowns and I am no longer ashamed to talk about it. Take some time to get to know me and you will discover I am an amazing person that can do amazing things, I just need to find that one thing to reach for to pull me to my feet and set me on the correct path. Maybe this is it. Who knows? Thank you for being  patient and please help me to discover the girl I am going to be. And please, if you have a friend or family member that you think may be suffering from depression, talk to them. Be there for them. Try to be their soft place to fall, because there is a bottom, and at the bottom your choices are limited and feeling hopeless with nowhere to go is the darkest, scariest place to be. Thank you. I love you all. 


        I dedicate this to my father. Daddy, I will get better and I will make you and Mom proud.

Fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will admit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone I will turn the inner eye towards it's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

                       Only I will remain.....author unknown

     What are you afraid of? Many of you will say spiders, or perhaps heights. Maybe you are afraid of the dark or water. Possibly you fear being alone or even dogs. I am not talking about the kind of fear  that makes you a little nervous or edgy. I am speaking of paralyzing, shaking in your shoes, unable to breathe FEAR.  
     Throughout the years I have known normal fears. I hate heights. Not too fond of mice or bugs. Typical stuff. But just about a year ago all that changed. First, one of my biggest fears in my life came to pass and I was diagnosed with cancer. Perhaps I have always feared this disease more than most because my mother passed away from breast cancer when I was just 8 years old but was sick most of my childhood. Suddenly my life changed. I guess it wasn't suddenly, it was more like a slow moving train. First, of course was the fear of dying. But I will save that for another day. Somehow, throughout surgery, recovery, treatment, fear began to sneak into the cracks and crevices of my psyche. I became aware one day when I was at the grocery store the man ringing up my order kept glancing at the scar on my neck. At the time it was quite fresh and rather hideous looking. I became warm. My breathing increased. My chest squeezed I wanted to run but was paralyzed. That, I believe was a mini panic attack. Like a small wave lapping at the shore on a calm day. Little did I know the Tsunami was on it's way. Before I knew it, I could not leave the house alone for fear someone would harm me. I fear being in the house alone and often check my doors and windows.  After falling several times in a matter of days  the fear of falling became so real I would only shower occasionally and only when someone was home. Oh and how I fear driving. I hate the car. Even when someone else is driving. I could go on and on, the list is endless. I am always sure someone is looking, judging, knowing my inner thoughts. The panic attacks happened almost daily and the fear of having one was so terrifying it just seemed easier to stay inside safe and sound. But then a stressful situation would arise as they tend to do, and the panic at home became just as terrifying as outside. I have learned techniques to slow if not prevent the attacks. But they left behind the fear. Like the wet sand on the beach after the storm. They left the self-doubt, self-hatred, and the secrets. Oh the secrets. Secrets that I felt (and still often feel) I could tell no one. Thoughts and deeds that I just knew (know) would destroy my loved ones and leave others gaping at me with no words to say.
     Crazy is a word I fear. Because sometimes I fear I have truly gone mad. I was a normal, contributing member of society when my life was side-swiped by a tsunami and everything in it's path was destroyed. Oh, and throw in losing my father, my son's separation, and everyday life stresses and you have created the perfect storm. 
      If it seems I have been MIA lately, it is because I am still riding out the storm, waiting for the path of destruction to end so I can rebuild myself. As of late, I have let the storm of fear win. But I am strong. I, like the tall house on the hill have weathered this storm. I may need a few repairs, but there is still life in me. I  still, even after a whole year, have a long way to go. I am tired, and I wish I had someone to carry me. But in the end it is my fight and no one else's. I will take some time to toughen up and continue to ride the eye of the storm. After all, there is only one other option, which is really no option at all. Fight or flight, let's see? I guess I have finally chosen fight. 


We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.  Martin Luther King Jr.

In my skin

“Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist. It is the hope that they won't last forever. That hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome. That we will be led out of the darkness and into the sunshine.”


    I have faith. I have hope. I know that there are great things to come for me and I have a lot to still offer the world. Usually. But there are days (sometimes several in a row) that holding on to those things take every bit of will and strength I have. I am in one of those places. I had an emotional set back a couple of weeks ago and it shook me to the core. The emotions and thoughts that I endured for those few days destroyed me and I have had to start my fight, my journey towards normalcy all over again. 


     It is so hard to explain to others, but I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin. It has nothing to do with my looks. It is about the person that I am. I am no longer outgoing and self confident. I constantly judge myself and feel as if nothing I do is right or good enough. I take the smallest of critiques, and allow them to crush me and my self confidence. I no longer feel as if I have anything to contribute to this world. I picture myself standing still as everyone and everything moves around me and I am frozen unable to act or speak. Just an observer, not a participator. It is a terrifying feeling. It makes me feel as if I am drowning in a sea of loneliness, even if I am surround by people, even the ones that love me most.
     I need a lifeline to keep me from drowning.  I need skills and goals and a sounding board.  On April 1st we will have health insurance again, and I hope to find a new counselor.  I need to share my feelings, but with a stranger, someone who cannot be hurt or upset by my feelings. Someone who can give me techniques and skills to cope and find the right path again. To find a way to be comfortable in my new skin once again.  I will get there, but it is a much slower process than I ever expected. I thank all my loved ones and friends for their patience as I strive to reach my full potential.


“The great essentials for happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.”