First steps.......

You yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Budda


     Therapy is intense. It is hard. You are forced to face things about your self or your past that are ugly, scary, shameful, humbling, ...... I could go on. It is also exhausting. Unless you are brutally honest and reveal things about yourself you wish could stay hidden forever, you cannot truly get better or move on. For me, yesterdays session was my hardest yet. I had to look at myself in the mirror (figuratively) and see (and admit) how far from emotionally healthy I really am, and face how long I have been this way. I guess as Oprah would call it, my psychiatrist and I had an "aha moment". Others would call it an epiphany.


     I am a very loved woman. My husband loves me more than you can imagine, and has always been there and done what is needed to get me through. Whether it be, hold my hand during medical tests, hold me when I cry, yell at me through a panic attack to "snap out of it" (yes, that really happened, and it worked!), make sure my needs are met, uses an endless supply of patience..... again I could go on and on. 
     My children love and respect me with a compassion and tenderness that most young men are incapable of. How all three of my sons turned out so amazing when their mother is the poster child for "hot mess" is beyond me, but I am thankful. 
     I have brothers and sisters though some separated by distance I know love me and would do anything for me. My two oldest sisters never judge, are always willing to listen and lend advice without being condescending. 
     I don't have many friends, but the ones that have stayed true are I trust with my heart, my secrets, my fears, and they have never betrayed that trust. We are able to tell each other "I love you" with no awkwardness at all.
     My point is, I am surrounded by people that love me and are fighting for me, but I have no love for myself, and feel so undeserving. Thank God, as I work on myself that these people have not given up on me as I have on myself. During the session yesterday my Dr.asked me to list 3 things I like about myself. I listed how loved I was, my great family, and my grandchildren. She quickly stopped me and told me to start over. Things about ME that I like. I could think of nothing. She thinks this is a problem lol!
     So, starting today, I need to learn to love myself, and learn to accept that I am deserving of love from those around me. I don't know where to start or how to even begin because looking back at my life, I can't think of one time I was ever truly happy with me. I know I have a lot to offer others, and there is good in me, but that is different. And I am not talking about physically. Those things do not define who I am. Whether I weigh 200 lbs or 110, or looked 20 years younger, had a perfect body, none of that matters. I need to get myself to the point that I know I am worthy of love, and the only way to achieve that is to love myself. So today I will think of one thing I like about myself, even if it takes all day. Tomorrow maybe I can come up with two. I want to prove to all of those that have stood by me and loved me through all storms and darkness that it was worth it. So, today I start over (again), and I look outside and it is beautiful, and I feel a peace inside. To my family and friends, thank you. I love you.


The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

I am........

     I have spent the last 14 months trying to figure out who I am. Grieving and angry over what I've lost. I have seen the dark recesses of hell and fought my way through. I have had thoughts and made plans because the emotional pain and loss was too great to bear. I also fought my way through that. So who is Roberta today?

    I am a mother who misses her sons terribly everyday, but only wish them to be happy.
    I am a wife that loves my husband for 1000 reasons, but mostly because he stayed, no matter how difficult, and he loves me more today than ever before.
    I am a grandmother who's heart literally leaps in it's chest when I hold my grandchildren.
    I am a friend that has made mistakes, and caused hurt, but to those that stood by me, I love you and will remain loyal and grateful for the rest of my life. I will keep your secrets, hold you when you cry, protect you with my life and make you laugh when you need it most.
    I am a girl that loves pink, and purple and flowers and butterflies, beautifully hand-made items, as well as a baseball fan that yells and swears during Tigers games, takes it personally when they lose, can quote stats, and believes there is no better way to spend a Saturday than watching a game.
    I am a girl that crochets lovely things and loves to design and embellish, only to see the smile on someone's face when they see it. 
    I also am a girl that turns into a crazy, cussing, screaming, maniac from mid-August to the first week of February during football season. I love everything about the game. I love playing Fantasy Football, and I hate losing!
     I am a girl that loves God. I know that he has walked this walk with me, and it by his hand I am here today. But I am also a girl that accepts and respects all beliefs and religions.
     I am often  sad, scared, and anxious, and it's ok. I have excepted the events of the past 14 months, and am ready to move on, the events will always be in my heart, but not controlling my life.
     I am a girl that needs help to control her demons, and I have found it. I believe everyone has their own demons and choose to never judge someone again, as I have felt judged and unloved, and it is painful.
     I am a girl that still has bad days, and that's ok, too. The next day they are over, forgotten, and I move on.
     I believe a smile or a friendly word can make someone's day and always choose to say thank you, or have a nice day.
     I am a cancer survivor. While fighting the cancer was the easiest part of my journey, I am thankful for the disease, as it has saved my life. The diagnosis sent me on a journey of self-discovery and brought me to a place where I am happy with me. I am not perfect by world's standards. I am flawed, and my flaws are beautiful and they are mine.

I am me, and she is exactly who I want to be. You should take some time to get to know me (again), you may be pleasantly surprised!