Sleep Daddy sleep, of mother you will dream,
Know that we are with you, our love runs like a stream.
Whether at your side, or in our hearts,
we'll make our peace as you depart.
We love you Dear Daddy, each in our own way,
you taught us each well, and will comfort each other if today is the day.
You raised a great family, some may call it a brood,
We will lean on each other as your life is construed.
You've led a long life, influenced many lives,
We know you will go peacefully when your time arrives.
Please know your family is with you, each of us nearby,
We know that you can hear us as we come to say goodbye.
And when God calls you home, with mother you will be,
True love reunited, no pain or angst, just together eternally.
**** I love you Daddy. I am so glad we have had these past few months. I'm glad I got to hold your hand, and make you smile, and see some recognition in your eyes. I know you're no longer in pain, and you can rest peacefully now. You are surrounded by those that love you the most. I will always remind my children of your humor and how much you loved your family. I will relish them with stories of backyard BBQS with corn on the cob cooking in a garbage can and tons of hamburgers and kielbasa on the grill. Or how you taught me how to gamble at cards for nickles (and Grandma Christy taught me how to cheat). I will remind them how even though you had so many grandkids and greatkids you never forgot a single one at Christmas. I will tell them that you made the best date nut bread and strawberry jam on the planet! And I will tell stories to my grandchildren that didn't get a fair chance to know you, and for that I am sorry. Over the last few days since your passing, through today's technology your younger grandchildren and great-grandchildren are leaning on each other. Telling stories of their favorite memories to each other via text message and Facebook, such as all of the varying stories of how you lost your thumb (their favorite, of course was for all the thumb suckers!) They have talked about special moments you have spent with each one of them. That is the legacy you have left behind. A family though large, and sometimes separated by distance, they love each other very much. I love you Daddy. I will always be your baby, your youngest little girl.****
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Invisible....
"Everyone has an invisible sign around their neck saying 'make me feel important'." Mary Kay Ash
I wasn't super popular in high school, but I had a lot of friends, and fit in well. I didn't bully or tease others, because I certainly would never want someone to do it to me, but I was always glad I wasn't one of the "invisibles." Well, now I fear I have become one. I talked about how being thrown aside and forgotten about had damaged my self-esteem. Well, I misspoke, it destroyed it.
I am an intelligent woman. I am able to think logically and reasonably. I used to be able to make sound decisions. That part of me knows I must get past this. I am in the hands of good, caring doctors now. Tests are being done and I am being informed every step of the way. It has been 3 weeks since I was in the hospital, and things take time, but it has also been 3 more weeks of no syntroid, which means my numbers are getting high again, and being Myxedemic last time scared the hell out of me. To have 3 doctors tell me what a dangerous state I was in and how lucky I am freaked me out, so as those symptoms return my fear grows. It takes a lot of self control to control mind from going to that place, and being hypothyroid makes it very hard to control my thoughts.
Even small things can rock my unstable world. A perceived "tone" from one of my kids, a joke from my husband, an un-returned phone call. Plus, I am SO tired all of the time again. I feel useless. I want to get up and sweep, or dust or whatever but even such little tasks can wear me thin. Several times last night I felt as if I may pass out just from cooking dinner. I had to lay down several times in the process.
So, I am not much use around the house, I have no job and cannot contribute to the household finances, or society, and I have all this time on my hands to think and cry and be angry. It's ironic how such a "good cancer" could take so much away from me. The cancer itself has almost been the least of my worries. Of course it scares me, but there are just so many other issues to deal with I have shoved that to a bookshelf way in the back of my mind to gather dust. I understand that as the test results come back today or tomorrow I will have to blow the dust off of it and deal with it, and of course I will. But in the mean time I wait. Mostly alone, mostly scared, mostly invisible.
I wasn't super popular in high school, but I had a lot of friends, and fit in well. I didn't bully or tease others, because I certainly would never want someone to do it to me, but I was always glad I wasn't one of the "invisibles." Well, now I fear I have become one. I talked about how being thrown aside and forgotten about had damaged my self-esteem. Well, I misspoke, it destroyed it.
I am an intelligent woman. I am able to think logically and reasonably. I used to be able to make sound decisions. That part of me knows I must get past this. I am in the hands of good, caring doctors now. Tests are being done and I am being informed every step of the way. It has been 3 weeks since I was in the hospital, and things take time, but it has also been 3 more weeks of no syntroid, which means my numbers are getting high again, and being Myxedemic last time scared the hell out of me. To have 3 doctors tell me what a dangerous state I was in and how lucky I am freaked me out, so as those symptoms return my fear grows. It takes a lot of self control to control mind from going to that place, and being hypothyroid makes it very hard to control my thoughts.
Even small things can rock my unstable world. A perceived "tone" from one of my kids, a joke from my husband, an un-returned phone call. Plus, I am SO tired all of the time again. I feel useless. I want to get up and sweep, or dust or whatever but even such little tasks can wear me thin. Several times last night I felt as if I may pass out just from cooking dinner. I had to lay down several times in the process.
So, I am not much use around the house, I have no job and cannot contribute to the household finances, or society, and I have all this time on my hands to think and cry and be angry. It's ironic how such a "good cancer" could take so much away from me. The cancer itself has almost been the least of my worries. Of course it scares me, but there are just so many other issues to deal with I have shoved that to a bookshelf way in the back of my mind to gather dust. I understand that as the test results come back today or tomorrow I will have to blow the dust off of it and deal with it, and of course I will. But in the mean time I wait. Mostly alone, mostly scared, mostly invisible.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Stronger
"You never know how STRONG you are until being STRONG is the only choice you have."
I very wise woman that I admire very much sent this quote to my facebook. It made me cry. In a good way. See, I cry a lot lately. Sometimes because someone says just what I need to hear, like that quote. Sometimes because I received a card in the mail, or a phone call from a friend. Sometimes because I am still mad as hell, and sometimes because I am just so thankful to be here.
I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks because I just didn't know where to start. I haven't even logged on to try. I have been through so much over the past few weeks, and my emotions are a mess. But they have changed. Like me, they are evolving. I have shed that dark despair. I have no intention on giving up. I have definitely found my door and went crashing through it. Oh, I am still a hot mess, but for different reasons and in a different way.
I went into details in my blog on 9/15, so I won't again, but coming face to face with (another) health crisis, being told I could have fallen into a coma, or worse, has completely changed me. Before I was in such a dark lonely place, giving up seemed my only option. I thought about it constantly. I hated myself. I felt so alone, even when people were all around me. I don't want to sound dramatic, but it took possibly facing death, to want to fight for life. Before my soul was so troubled I had no fight at all. Now all I want to do is fight. Before I could not even picture a future, now I think about and plan things I want to do in the future.
That brings me to my newest struggle which I mentioned in my earlier blog. The ANGER. I didn't have to go through all that I did. Had I been properly taken care of when first diagnosed, through surgery and treatment, I would have been back to work, my life would not have been completely turned upside down. I would not have been ROBBED of experiences and time with my grandchildren. My thyroid cancer was first suspected on Nov. 26th of 2010. It is now Oct. 8, 2011. I have learned the typical span from suspicion, surgery, to treatment is 4 months. Every appointment I made took a month to get in, no one seemed to have time for me. After all, I had the "good cancer" no rush, right. And what makes me the angriest and hurts the most is that when I was in an actual CRISIS, when my thyroid hormone level was at a critical point, the doctor that was supposed to be monitoring me took a long weekend and couldn't be reached. It makes me feel as if my life is not as important as his golf time. My own doctor that has taken care of me for 10 years kept telling me to call the Endo! I knew I was in trouble, but no one had time for me. I am working hard to overcome the anger. It's happening slowly. But even more so, their lack of vigilance has stripped me of my self esteem, my feelings of self-worth. That brings a lot of tears. I used to be able to talk to any one any where, and now I feel that what I have to say is not important enough. I used to meet people eyes and say hello, now I rarely even look up. My new doctors are helping a lot. My Endocrinologist in particular is being UBER vigilant. I am learning to accept that I will not get that time back. I cannot change it. I must move on. And my Pollyanna side that must find good in everything is thankful that if nothing else, the whole experience has pulled me out of the hell that I was in.
I have been through my whole body scan, an MRI and this Wednesday I will have a PET scan. All of this is to determine the correct treatment, so I will not have to go hypo again as that would be dangerous. During the MRI I cried. I couldn't help but think I should not be there. I should not be going through this. So, sometimes my mind still takes me to that angry place. I also feel so much guilt for being sick in the first place. Of course the medical bills are crazy, the doctors co-pays alone are ridiculous, and we won't mention the medications, plus two emergency room visits this month alone. Plus we went from a two income to a one income family. I applied for unemployment but was declined because I worked for a non-profit organization. So I often feel guilt about not being able to work, even though I know it's way out of my control. We have made a lot of adjustments. But I feel that my family must be becoming resentful and tired. Of course, the logical, old part of me knows this is not true, but it is an emotion I am really struggling with.
Today is day three working on this post, and I had an appointment with my new Primary Care Doctor. Again, amazing. He was comforting and reassuring, and thorough. He did not hide his astonishment when I shared my story as to why I am switching doctors in the middle of treatment. He was shocked to hear that I was able to walk or talk at all while my TSH 205, and his comment was that I must be very strong, and once I am through treatment I should regain strength quickly. He expressed concern about heart damage, but said that is not a worry for today, and that can be managed. He even made a promise, as my Primary doctor to always manage and monitor my care with other doctors. That was very comforting to me.
So it is my hope that I am nearing the end. I have so much more to my story, most of it better to be shared when I am not so emotional. Please say a prayer on Wednesday, I am nervous about the PET scan, it sounds like it is quite a test. It will take nearly 2 hours.
I would like to end this by saying thank you my family. I have been an emotional crazy woman at home. The poor men in my life NEVER know what will make cry. They are great patient men. My sister has been amazing driving me to doctor appointments and tests and holding my hand, asking questions I forget. My other sister calls often to check on me. I can hear the worry in her voice. She lives in Tennessee and I know in her heart she wishes she were here, but she came for a week to help find a group home for my father, and had to go back. But I know she's here in spirit. Thank you to my friend Deena that always checks on me and visits often, and to my friends, through Facebook that show their support. I certainly don't feel alone anymore. I love you all.
I went into details in my blog on 9/15, so I won't again, but coming face to face with (another) health crisis, being told I could have fallen into a coma, or worse, has completely changed me. Before I was in such a dark lonely place, giving up seemed my only option. I thought about it constantly. I hated myself. I felt so alone, even when people were all around me. I don't want to sound dramatic, but it took possibly facing death, to want to fight for life. Before my soul was so troubled I had no fight at all. Now all I want to do is fight. Before I could not even picture a future, now I think about and plan things I want to do in the future.
That brings me to my newest struggle which I mentioned in my earlier blog. The ANGER. I didn't have to go through all that I did. Had I been properly taken care of when first diagnosed, through surgery and treatment, I would have been back to work, my life would not have been completely turned upside down. I would not have been ROBBED of experiences and time with my grandchildren. My thyroid cancer was first suspected on Nov. 26th of 2010. It is now Oct. 8, 2011. I have learned the typical span from suspicion, surgery, to treatment is 4 months. Every appointment I made took a month to get in, no one seemed to have time for me. After all, I had the "good cancer" no rush, right. And what makes me the angriest and hurts the most is that when I was in an actual CRISIS, when my thyroid hormone level was at a critical point, the doctor that was supposed to be monitoring me took a long weekend and couldn't be reached. It makes me feel as if my life is not as important as his golf time. My own doctor that has taken care of me for 10 years kept telling me to call the Endo! I knew I was in trouble, but no one had time for me. I am working hard to overcome the anger. It's happening slowly. But even more so, their lack of vigilance has stripped me of my self esteem, my feelings of self-worth. That brings a lot of tears. I used to be able to talk to any one any where, and now I feel that what I have to say is not important enough. I used to meet people eyes and say hello, now I rarely even look up. My new doctors are helping a lot. My Endocrinologist in particular is being UBER vigilant. I am learning to accept that I will not get that time back. I cannot change it. I must move on. And my Pollyanna side that must find good in everything is thankful that if nothing else, the whole experience has pulled me out of the hell that I was in.
I have been through my whole body scan, an MRI and this Wednesday I will have a PET scan. All of this is to determine the correct treatment, so I will not have to go hypo again as that would be dangerous. During the MRI I cried. I couldn't help but think I should not be there. I should not be going through this. So, sometimes my mind still takes me to that angry place. I also feel so much guilt for being sick in the first place. Of course the medical bills are crazy, the doctors co-pays alone are ridiculous, and we won't mention the medications, plus two emergency room visits this month alone. Plus we went from a two income to a one income family. I applied for unemployment but was declined because I worked for a non-profit organization. So I often feel guilt about not being able to work, even though I know it's way out of my control. We have made a lot of adjustments. But I feel that my family must be becoming resentful and tired. Of course, the logical, old part of me knows this is not true, but it is an emotion I am really struggling with.
Today is day three working on this post, and I had an appointment with my new Primary Care Doctor. Again, amazing. He was comforting and reassuring, and thorough. He did not hide his astonishment when I shared my story as to why I am switching doctors in the middle of treatment. He was shocked to hear that I was able to walk or talk at all while my TSH 205, and his comment was that I must be very strong, and once I am through treatment I should regain strength quickly. He expressed concern about heart damage, but said that is not a worry for today, and that can be managed. He even made a promise, as my Primary doctor to always manage and monitor my care with other doctors. That was very comforting to me.
So it is my hope that I am nearing the end. I have so much more to my story, most of it better to be shared when I am not so emotional. Please say a prayer on Wednesday, I am nervous about the PET scan, it sounds like it is quite a test. It will take nearly 2 hours.
I would like to end this by saying thank you my family. I have been an emotional crazy woman at home. The poor men in my life NEVER know what will make cry. They are great patient men. My sister has been amazing driving me to doctor appointments and tests and holding my hand, asking questions I forget. My other sister calls often to check on me. I can hear the worry in her voice. She lives in Tennessee and I know in her heart she wishes she were here, but she came for a week to help find a group home for my father, and had to go back. But I know she's here in spirit. Thank you to my friend Deena that always checks on me and visits often, and to my friends, through Facebook that show their support. I certainly don't feel alone anymore. I love you all.
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