Standing at the door and knocking

"In one's self lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn,the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself."  -Jiddu Krishnamurti


    In one of my first posts called "Doors and Windows" I wrote about feeling lost in the dark, looking for a door or window to help me to get out of this lonely desolate place. Each day I make small little steps and I am learning new skills, as well as learning to like my self, just a little each day. I have been crying alot the last few days after the panic attack my kids had to witness, plus going to Gilda's for my first group was scary and healing at the same time. Just expelling these emotions is so exhausting!!! People who think you can "Just snap out of it" in regards to depression or other mental illness, just don't understand. I will say it again. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. I will never be the same, and like alcoholism and drug addiction, I know I will overcome, but struggle with this the rest of my life. I need to be stronger than it. 
     So that brings me back  to the "doors and windows."  If you read that post you know that I felt as if I was stumbling in the dark looking for a door to get me out of this dark place. Well, today I feel as if I have made it far enough in the dark to find a door, but the door is locked, and I have no key. I am pounding and pounding until my fists are bloody, but cannot open the door. I know that no one can open it for me. It is up to me. I must leave the safety of the door, and go to find the key in the dark, hoping to be able to find the elusive door once again, and then praying that the key will fit. That key will be made of strength, self-confidence, love and acceptance of myself, peace, and happiness. I will find pieces of it along the way, put it together, and return to the door to open it and walk through it to live the rest of my life.
    This journey is so long and arduous. Sometimes I grow tired and weary. Other days I feel as if I can walk miles and make great strides! It is a roller coaster ride, and I never did care for roller coasters. I am more of a tilt-o-whirl or bumper cars kind of girl. Keep me close to the ground. Roller coasters make me feel unsafe, afraid, and out of control.
     I feel as if I'm rambling, so I will end by thanking once again those of you that are holding my hand and helping me along this journey. Thank you to those that read my blog, and offer words of comfort and support. You are helping more than you know.

Gilda's Club

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection." ~Buddha
       I want to start off by explaining some of my feelings of sadness and sorrow and panic. I need to make it very clear that I do not feel sorry for myself. It is not self-pity. What I experience is self-loathing. Not quite hatred, but close. I am really, really, really working hard on this. I don't hate myself, I hate that I have lost certain qualities, and have acquired others. I hate feeling fear and panic and anxiety all the time. I hate that I am weak. I especially hate that my children see me that way. I hate being so fragile. Everyone around me feels like they have to walk on eggshells in case the smallest misconstrued comment causes me to sink into a deep state of sorrow or even worse, panic. Again, I DO NOT feel sorry for myself. I am doing everything and anything to get better. I think that if it was self-pity I would just wallow and whine and not do anything to get better.
    That being said, I would like to talk about the newest step towards my healing, Gilda's Club. It is an amazing place. It is in a large old house in Royal Oak, and they have kept it very much a cozy home like atmosphere. The rooms are welcoming and decorated with comfortable furniture, and you feel like you can kick off your shoes and get comfortable. As a member (which is free) you can go anytime and use any room to read, listen to your mp3, bring your laptop, just a safe place to hang out. They also offer free workshops, such as yoga, meditation, reiki, painting, beading, scrapbooking..... I could go on and on. Then there are wellness groups once a week, which I attended yesterday, and will talk about in a minute. As well as once a month groups for specific types of cancer. Mine will fall into the head and neck category. Then there are potlucks and movie nights and lectures. It is going to be a great place to help me find myself. 
    My first wellness group was yesterday and at first I wasn't sure if I would fit in at all! I was the youngest in the room, and it was quite obvious that the group had been together for a long time and were very tight knit. But they welcomed me with open arms and were kind and comforting. I think I will fit well into the group. I think their experience and wealth of knowledge will be helpful to me. It's amazing how you can open up in front of strangers and tell them things you feel that you can't tell your closest loved ones. I got a true, well meant hug from each one of them, and that was greatly needed. I need to be touched and hugged, and I live with all boys, so sometimes they don't think to do that enough. 
     Today I have counseling and I have a lot to share with him. I have made a choice not to hold my pain in anymore,  and while talking about it and bringing things up long ago buried is painful in itself, healing comes with pain, and I know I have a great team on my side. As I've said before, it will take a village to get me well, who knew that village included so many people I hadn't even met yet. I believe in my heart God has brought each one of these people into my life, and those that are my biggest supporters have stayed by my side through it all, and I thank them and love them all. In tragedy, you really find who is important to you, and learn to treasure those relationships.  Gilda's club has it's own language, there are certain phrases they ask you to replace with others. I love the term "Cancer Warrior" That is how I picture myself as I want to be. That Aztec Warrior Princess. They like to replace "fighting cancer" with "regaining control and well being" I'll take either one. I AM in a battle, more within myself than with cancer, but it is a war, and I fight it everyday. But, ultimately I am regaining control and well being. So maybe it is a combination of both. So, thank you Gilda's Club, thank you CSSOC (my counseling center), thank you to all my doctors, and especially thank you to my family and true friends for helping pull me to the other side. I'll get there, and in the end, no matter what I will always be there for you too. I love you all.

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself."  ~Alan Alda
 

Panic and Hope

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do.  Eleanor Roosevelt 

      I had another panic attack today. Don't know what triggered it. Had a lot of stress today. But I was at home. Hubby was at work. So, my boys had to help me through it.  This breaks my heart. First of all, the fact that I have them at all is frightening and makes me feel weak and oh so small. But that my children see me like that kills me inside. They were great though. Justin got a cold cloth and put it on the back of my neck and reminded me to breath. In and out. In and out. Jeff called his Dad right away to see what else they could do. They didn't think about it, they just acted. They are so amazing. I can't help but wonder, though, if I am somehow damaging them. I know they are grown. They are 18 and 19 and have incredible hearts and great heads on their shoulders, but what child needs to see their mother like that no matter the age. I need to get better.  I am doing all I can but it doesn't seem to be fast enough for me.  Counseling, psychiatrist, tomorrow group therapy at Gilda's, books, bible verses, prayer, blogging, meditation, breathing, self-talk. I can think of no more to do to make it better faster. I keep saying "And this too shall pass" and a thousand other things over and over. I feel like I take a few steps forward and get knocked back on my ass again.  I keep getting up, though, and will continue to do so. Then this stupid disease can knock me down again and again and I will just keep getting up. Wow, I'm exhausted just thinking about it!!! It just drives me crazy that I have cancer and I can't even think or worry about that because I have to expend so much energy on depression and panic disorder.  Maybe it's good, because thyroid cancer is the most confusing frustrating thing ever!! There is so much involved and the doctors throw all these "numbers" at  me and I have no idea what they mean and then I go to my online thyca support group and they tell me different things than the doctors and tell  me to find new doctors and it just goes round and round. And I want to have my treatment. I want my whole body scan and I want them to tell me what I need to do so I can move on. I feel as if I am in limbo. But they won't do anything because of my mental issues. I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Ok, I am sorry I lost it for a minute. One thing I have learned is to enjoy the little things, and I have really learned to slow down and sometimes it's as easy as putting on my headphones and listening to a few of my favorite songs with my eyes closed and just bbbrrreeeaaattthhhiiinnnggg..... again, in and out. In and out. Sometimes I just like to sit on the porch and watch my dog play with his favorite soccer ball. Or watch my granddaughter play with her babies or cuddle with my grandson. A walk down the street becomes a moment of thankfulness. And this may be hard for some to understand, but if I'd never gotten sick, I'd still be working and would not be able to spend this time with my sister and my dad. When I look at my dad I am so thankful to have this time with him. I am {{{almost}}} over the guilt of the time that I lost with him.  One thing I have finally learned is to let go of the past, renew relationships that are worth renewing, and live for today. Worrying about tomorrow is too stressful and guaranteed to bring on a panic attack, so I am trying to live in the moment, whether it be watching the wind in the trees, smelling flowers, watching  my grandchildren, spending a quiet moment with my dad, a hug from my very patient husband,  or knowing what great men my boys have become. My journey feels as if I have a thousand miles more to go, but it continues.

Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is a mystery.  And today?  Today is a gift.  That's why we call it the present.  ~Babatunde Olatunji

     

The Oak Tree - A Poem

"The Oak Tree"

A mighty wind

blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

then snapped it's boughs

and pulled it's bark

until the oak tree was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held it's ground

while other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you be standing, Oak?"

The oak tree said, "I know that you

can break each branch of mine in two,

carry every leaf away,

shake my limbs and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

growing stronger since my birth,

You'll never touch them, for you see,

they are the deepest part of me.

Until today I wasn't sure

of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I am stronger than I ever knew." 

Darkness- a poem

Darkness

 

It's dark where I am

alone and afraid

The loneliest place

myself, I have made.

Unable to breath

afraid to open my eyes

and see the terrible things

I am facing on all sides.

I pray for silence

but my mind loudly screams

with thoughts of fear

self-hatred and many lost dreams.

My will has been broken 

as has so my heart

I am no longer strong

I have fallen apart.

Too small to fight

to scared to run

curled up in a ball

I give up, I am done.

My sorrow has won

It's will so much tougher

I will lie still in the dark

left alone to suffer.

Please throw down a life line

and save me from this place

I need a somewhere soft to land

and heal with time and space.

Can anybody hear me?

Is anybody there?

I know people love me 

I know people care.

So somebody save me

be my hero my guide

I need someone with me

that will not leave my side.

I hate this dark place 

my mind is my prison

I want to be better 

I want this all to be done.

 

Lost and Found

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."  -Henry David Thoreau

     I have been giving a lot of thought as to why I may feel such deep sorrow lately. Probably too much. But part of my therapy is to replace one negative self talk with a positive one, so I have also spent time thinking of the things I have "found" if you will. I have decided that I am in a somewhat mourning period over things I have lost or can longer do, as I went over in a previous post. So first I wanted to write about the things that Migraines, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism,  Thyroid Cancer, and mental disorders (that is the first time I have ever admitted out loud that it is much more than depression) have taken away from me.
      I am not sure to begin, but I will just start. The first thing I noticed that I really lost was my ability to enjoy the things I love like sunshine and light and most of all children. When my migraines began to be set off by sunlight and bright florescent lighting things changed a lot. I cannot go outside on a beautiful day without sunglasses. If the sun is too bright and hits me just so I immediately vomit. My house is usually like a cave. Shades drawn, few lights on, TV volume low,  I cannot wear perfume. I am sure it has been difficult on my family. My husband and sons so badly want an awesome stereo system, but I would not be able to be home when they listen to it. Even my dog barking can trigger a migraine. Thank goodness he rarely does it in the house.  
     I had a job that I absolutely LOVED. I got to love, hold, kiss and play with one and two year olds every day. It was so rewarding and made me feel so needed. But a room of 20 toddlers can be very loud and hectic. Also, the over head lights in the room were just killers, and of course, I could not were sunglasses inside. I was given permission to wear a hat on bad days, but really felt silly and like I stood out. The girls that I worked with every day are amazing people and we all supported each other. I have lost that every day companionship.  So, about a year ago my boss moved me to the office where it was quieter and more controlled. I found that I was very good at that as well, and felt everything would be okay. But then I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer and my health and mental well being faded fast. At the end of April I was no longer able to work, and have not worked since. Last Thursday my doctor told me I may not able to work for some time, if ever, and certainly not in that atmosphere, and probably NEVER full time again. Obviously, this has had a major impact on our household income as well.  I know I am strong, and can overcome a lot, but this was just another terrible blow to me.
     I lost nearly 5 years with my father, and he is no longer the man he used to be. He has dementia  and has become so frail. He will no longer eat so he has no strength. He has a cannot walk on his own. I would give anything to have that lost time back.
     Because of Hypothyroidism it is becoming difficult to drive. My children or husband drive me most places. I can still drive, but my mind often feels "disconnected" so I will only go short distances. Also, my Psychiatrist says if the panic attacks don't get better by our next visit, we will have to talk about taking a break from driving until they improve.  Going out alone can also be an issue, because I have no clue when a panic attack may happen. A store can quickly become overwhelming. The noise, the people, the amount of items, it can all be too much. I used to be very organized when shopping, use coupons, bargain hunt, you name it. But now my mind gets fuzzy and I can become confused and overwhelmed easily. That is why I often don't like to leave the house, even though ALL of my doctors agree (I am being treated by 5) that I need to leave at least once a day, or it could quickly become a bigger issue.
      I could go on, but I would like to talk about what I have found in the past few months, as I am trying to focus on those instead. I have found what true unconditional love is. My children and husband will do absolutely anything for me, and no matter how deep in despair I am they ALWAYS help me through. I have never known a love like this before. They have always loved me, but I used to be the rock, the doer of all things. Now that I can longer be that person, they have stepped up big time.  I have found a new relationship with my father, and am trying to forget about what I have missed, and just enjoy the time we have left. Holding his hand, watching him sleep, just visiting, even if he doesn't know it's me, it's ok. Sometimes I just sit on my porch and watch the trees move. It's amazing how if you just stop and be still for a few minutes what you can see and how much peace you can feel, if only for a few minutes. I have always adored my grandchildren, but now every single moment I spent with them is a gift. They are love personified. I can feel how much they love me with just a touch or  look.  
     I now believe in miracles even more than ever before.  I see small miracles everyday. I fought tooth and nail with my insurance company to get a female counselor, but it just didn't work out. The minute I shook Dr. Wroble's hand I knew he was the right one for me. He is amazing and patient and helpful. Like Garth Brooks said, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." Also,  I never wanted a dog, but my son and husband REALLY did and bugged and bugged until I gave in. I did and gave conditions. He had to be housebroken, he COULD NOT be a shedder, and only medium size, no big dogs. Hercules is none of these. He is 1/2 German Shepherd and 1/2 Husky so he is definitely a shedder. We got him at 8 weeks and was a pain to housebreak! And he weighs almost 100 lbs. But, despite all that, I believe he has saved my life a few times. He is so tuned in to my emotions it is uncanny. When I have been inconsolable and on the brink of a breakdown, he is always right there, watching, loving, protecting. The minute I begin crying he is at my side and will not leave. The dog I never wanted has become the dog I cannot live without.
     I have also discovered the power of writing. It is catharsis. Cleansing and purifying. Even if nobody were to ever read a word, I feel purged when I am done. I have found so many other blessings in my life I could keep going, but you get the picture. So, at the end of what I am sure is going to be a long bumpy process I think the most important thing I am going to find is the new me. I now know that she is within me, hiding, waiting for me to heal to reveal herself in small increments. She is going to be amazing. I can't wait to meet her.
    
  

 

The Battle

“God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”  unknown


     Is it possible to actually die from sorrow?  Some days I think my sorrow may actually kill me. It has certainly broken me and taken away everything that I used to be. I will go along for a few days, and feel glimpses of it  creeping in and out like a little imp toying with me, and then BOOM! it invades me and has taken over my whole being.  I have never know a pain such as this. I feel I could carve "Help me" into my skin with a hot dagger and it would be less painful. I cannot even think back to the girl that I used to be. I was strong, held a great job that I loved, ran my family and made decisions, was able to go places alone without fear and panic, Where the hell did she go?
     I had my worse panic attack yet the other day. All it took was a little comment from a family member. 
My chest was squeezing, I alternated between hyperventilating and unable to take a breathe. My right arm was shaking and flailing uncontrollably. I could not stand, I could not speak. By that I mean my voice was locked and I physically could not speak. It lasted 15 minutes. That was the longest one yet.  Am I getting better or worse? . We went to my endo yesterday and spoke at length with him about my emotional pain. He suggested that yes, most others would need a week or two stay away and intense therapy. However, he said that most people would not be trying as hard as I to overcome this, and that I have great insight and great support at home as well as weekly visits with my counselor and monthly with my psychiatrist. He suggested I spend a few days "at rest"  with no pressures, as little stress as possible and get as much sleep as possible. Apparently averaging 3 to 5 hours sleep a night catches up to you and is very hard on your body and emotions. The last few nights the sleeping has been much better. I think the new meds have adjusted and are working.
      I have a lot of time to think and I believe there is a war waging for my soul, or mind if you will. The evil imp really wants me to surrender. The harder I fight, the harder he fights back. I guess I need to find more strength and fight back even harder. I am just SO tired! I want too lay down my weapons and surrender, but I have a family that needs me to keep fighting. So I will continue to read the bible and other inspirational books. I will continue to pray. I will continuing to meditate and breathe and "self-talk.  Please help me by praying, and lighting candles and just be patient while I rediscover myself.


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau
      

My Own Superhero

“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”

     As I have shared before, I recently began having panic attacks. If my mind is correct, I have had 9 in three weeks. I wanted to share my panic attacks with you step by step. There is a point to this, but it is important to begin by describing this new stage of my journey.
    During  my first panic attack, for maybe a few seconds I thought I was having a heart attack, but I quickly realized what was actually happening. Only one has happened at home, the others all in public places. It comes on very suddenly. I first begin to tremble. Maybe only in my hands at first, but quickly my entire body. Then I begin to hyperventilate. This only lasts thirthy seconds to a minute, because by then my throat has closed up and I am unable to speak or breathe. I am gasping and getting small breathes, but it feels like I may be dying. During this time my chest begins to squeeze and beat like it is going to explode right out of my chest. Usually by now, about 3 minutes in I have begun crying because it is so terrifying, and I have dropped to my knees because I feel as if my legs will not hold me. By then the nausea has decided to join the party, and  the last two times I have actually vomited. The last stage an absolute overwhelming need to flee comes over me, but I am unable to move. I feel that if I don't leave the place I am at something terrible will happen. I breathe and meditate every day now, so usually by the 5 min mark I am able to get under control through breathing or affirmations I say while meditating. For many hours after, I feel teary and I scold myself for being so weak. 
     When I saw the psychiatrist on Friday we decided to try a new anxiety medicine that has a longer half-life than Xanax, and will stay in my system for 6-8 hours. I believe it is helping. Even though I have had two attacks since Friday, I feel much calmer overall, and I get myself under control much quicker. She did tell me that if the attacks do not get better by our next visit in early August, we will have to talk about not driving until I improve. If I were to have one while driving it would be very dangerous to myself and others. It is difficult to admit that I see both a psychiatrist and a counselor, let alone admit that these symptoms are affecting my life to such an extreme.
     Today I had counseling, as I do every Wed., and at one point he told me I was a very strong person. I immediately began crying and told him I do not feel strong at all. Just the opposite, always being on the verge of tears and the panic attacks make me feel weak and useless. He disagreed, saying that I was a hero, because the easy way out is to hide and go inward. He also pointed out that many people faced with what I have had to face over the last few months { A diagnosis of cancer, surgery, a difficult recovery, insomnia, panic attacks, then throw in an aging, ill father, and the other family situation} would crumble. But I choose to go to counseling every week and do the homework I am given. I choose to go see my father no matter how painful. I make the choice to leave the house and run errands, even knowing I could panic while in the store. I share my feelings with him and on this blog. Each of these steps, he claims, is an act of heroism, and one step closer to the new improved me.
     That got me thinking. Through all this I have cried out for help! I have expected someone on a white horse to come and magically make me better. But I have been hoping for the wrong thing. I have been my own savior all along. I have to rescue myself. My  sidekicks, like my doctors and my family and friends are there in a supporting role. I do not have super powers, but I have hope and faith. They are my weapons of choice. My armor is my drive and determination to get better. My cape does not allow me to fly, but it offers protection from the storms of life each day. Every day I am shedding just a small piece of my former self, and add on another piece of my Aztec Warrior Princess. I still have a long journey, but "A journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step." Glad my superhero wears walking shoes!!

The Journey-a poem

  The Journey

I can't find myself, she is no longer here,

Kidnapped by pain, loneliness and fear.

I am here in the dark, alone and unarmed,

Yet knowing that I will escaped totally unharmed.

The journey is long, but I see faint light ahead,

I choose not to flee, but to stand and fight instead.

I begin with one step, and then take few more,

I keep my eyes straight ahead I don't know what's in store.

With each step I take, a drop of fear falls,

and the new me is waiting, I can hear her calls.

The walk will be long, maybe weeks, months, or a year,

but at the end I will meet a new girl with no fear.

She will look just like me, my identical twin,

but she will be different, at home in her own skin.

We will look to the left and see the little girl lost,

for this journey of mine has come with a cost.

I must say goodbye to the person I once was,

all stories must end, as this one does.

And all I can hope for, all that I seek,

is to find my inner strength, no longer so weak.

So this journey begins one step at a time,

come along with me please and watch me change over time.

My Happy Place

“Learn to relax. Your body is precious, as it houses your mind and spirit. Inner peace begins with a relaxed body.” -Norman Vincent Peale


       I've heard people say that Disney is the "happiest place on earth".  For some, especially children and those young at heart, this is probably true. I have a difficult time believing I would find much happiness there. The thought of crowds, long lines, hot sun, children crying, and walking for miles sounds absolutely exhausting.
      I would like to tell you about my happy place. It is not fancy, just the opposite, it is simple. It is not flashy, it is peaceful. It is not expensive, actually it is quite affordable. It is CHAIN O LAKES CAMPGROUND, in Bellaire Mi., just a little bit away from Torch Lake.  Upon first glance it seems like an ordinary place, and to many it may be. To me it is so much more. The first time I was there, 4 summers ago, I knew it was a kindred place for me. Much of this is due to the love and care the owners put into it. They are special people, and it is reflected in their little slice of land up north. My family, especially my husband, do not understand the connection or love I feel for the place. When I am there I am at peace. My mind feels clearer and I am able to relax, as I can nowhere else. It is the one place that I am able to turn off my inner voice and just enjoy life, no matter what I am going through back in the real world.  It is very hard to explain. I believe it is a blessed place.
      I know I have had moments of happiness over the past year or two amongst my depression, but my happy memories from the campground and torch lake are vivid and calming. I am able to draw upon them in my weakest, scariest, saddest moments. For example, I  have had so many medical procedures in the past few years, and some have been difficult. Once, I had to have an MRI in the midst of a 6 week migraine. If you've ever had an MRI you know that the machine is very loud, and the test is very long and you have to lie perfectly still.  I was in such pain already and the noise was like a pic ax in my head. Tears were streaming down my face. I closed my eyes and was actually able to picture myself at the campground, near the campfire, my grandchildren laughing, my boys joking and hanging out. It got me through that horrible test. Also, during the biopsy of my thyroid, probably the most difficult medical procedure I have ever been through, I was able to stave off fear and panic by going to my happy place, Chain o Lakes Campground. The thought of being there in July (this was Feb) was calming and comforting. I could name so many more, but you get the idea.
      In my therapy for my depression and anxiety I have to meditate and breathe and positive "self-talk" every day. During my meditation I either send myself to the campground, or to torch lake, sitting on the tiny beach, feeling the breeze, watching the waves, feeling at peace. This has been crucial to my healing. It is amazing to me how people or even a place can affect your life. My family doesn't understand it's importance to me. Last year there were some issues while we were there and everyone wanted to leave early. They didn't know why it was so important to me that we stay. It is the only days out of the whole year I am able to let go and soul search and find my peace. I am hoping to do a lot of healing there this year. A lot of the details of the trip are still up in the air due to the turmoil going on in our lives, but i know things will be great when we get there.
     I would like thank Deb and her family for making it so amazing for people like me, and i would like to thank Deb for her friendship. Keep up the great work. I hope your campground is as special to others as it is to me.
     I encourage everyone to find your happy place, real or imaginary. It will get you through some of your toughest times. I am blessed that my happy place is real, and I am able to close my eyes and take myself there and know that someday, somehow i am going to be just fine!
     

"To weep is to make less the depth of your grief."   - William Shakespeare

     I can say with all my being that my heart is broken. It was not smashed to pieces by a lost love.  One of my children did not do a horrible thing, or vow never to talk to me. Nothing as dramatic as that. I believe it has been weakening and crumbling for sometime now, and some recent news, has caused it to break into a million little pieces. The news is not about my health. No one I love is sick (other than my father which I have been coping with) no one has died, but this news has changed my life, and the lives of my family forever. 
     The pain and heartbreak, along with everything else I have been facing, are almost too much to bear.  My tears are a constant companion. There have been moments that I feel as if I honestly cannot go on, it is too painful. I know that with time those feelings will lessen. "And this too shall pass" is a phrase I have been repeating often. I have been working over the past several weeks on getting stronger, and moving farther away from the edge of a huge cliff that I felt I was on, ready to fall at any moment. Now I feel as if I have been pushed off that cliff and I am falling, there is just no bottom on which to land. I am sure you would like to know what has caused this, but it is not my place to speak of here. It is also too painful to talk about right now. When I try to talk about it with my family, tears come immediately and my voice actually locks up. Day by day  I hope it becomes easier, and in the end I know it will all be okay. I just have to get there. I have turned to prayer a lot these days. And I have some books with positive poems and psalms which have been helpful. If this is true heartbreak, then it is the most painful condition I have ever known.
      On a side note, I saw the psychiatrist on friday and we are trying a couple of new things that will hopefully curb the panic attacks, and help me to sleep better. Fri. and Sat night were much better, but I was up until 4 am last night, it was horribly frustrating. I ended up screaming into my pillow until my throat hurt, and of course I cried.  She was quite reassuring that my panic attacks, insomnia and anxiety are temporary, and will improve given time. We just have to manage them in the mean time. And, great news, she doesn't think I'm crazy!!! lol
As the stress improves, and depression lessens things on all fronts should improve. And if I'm able to sleep better at night, I will heal faster and be able to handle things much better. In the meantime, I have my family, I have my friends, I have this spot to put my feelings into words, which is more healing than you could ever imagine, and above all I have the drive and yearning to get better. Thanks to everyone that is playing a part in my healing, even if it is just reading the words on these pages.
      There is a Jewish saying "God is closest to those with broken hearts"  and I know this is true. I do not feel abandoned by him, I feel his presence and love. My most peaceful moments, which are rare, I know he is there. I am reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" and the last verse:

 "  My son, my precious child,

I love you and would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you only see one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you"