Choices........

Still round the corner there may wait a new road or a secret gate.  J.R.R. Tolkien

     Choice: The RIGHT, POWER, or OPPORTUNITY to choose.
Choice. 6 letters, such a simple word. A simple word with  a very powerful meaning. A person makes choices so many times a day they can not even be counted. Will I get up the first time the alarm sounds, what will I eat for breakfast, what will I wear, which way shall I take to work, do I need an umbrella, should I buy lunch or take lunch. You get the idea. But what about the choices that affect others. Will I be kind to that person that irritates the hell out of me. Will I smile at the rude cashier, will I tell and show my family how much I love them. Will I forgive that person that hurt me in the past. A million choices EVERY DAY!
     Now throw a few curve balls into someone's life such as illness, depression, anxiety, panic, fear. That is where the choices become overwhelming. Like monsters from nightmares. Oh God! What if I make the wrong choice and it has negative consequences. That is where things went wrong for me. So terrified of making choices in my mind I believed I stopped making them. Actually, the opposite happened. Instead of not making choices I was making an abundance of choices, but negative ones that not only impacted myself, but those that love me. Unknowingly, I would choose to allow my emotions run my life. I would choose to not get out of bed. I would choose to stay fearful and anxious and sad. I didn't realize I was making theses as choices, just that they were an unwelcome part of my new life.

     Through therapy I am learning that each moment, each thought, each emotion can be a choice. It is not easy, it is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But I could take every pill and remedy on the market, and still be stuck in that dark, lonely, scary place, unless I choose to claw my own way out. Not only do my choices in regards to my emotions and self image affect me, but those around me and those that love me. They have watch as I have transformed from a confident, happy, capable women, to a nervous, crying, self-loathing hot mess! I know many emotional traumas and turmoils brought me to that place, and like any wound it takes time to heal. However, like any wound, we can CHOOSE to care for it, keep it clean, apply medication, not pick and scratch at it etc. This is what I am learning about my choices.

     I just came home from a week long hospital stay for a stress induced intractable migraine. For those of you that don't know I am a chronic migraine sufferer (more headache days per month than headache free days) for a very long time. Every once in a while a perfect storm will brew and circumstances will cause a migraine that takes hold and will not let go. So much pain, so much medicine, so much frustration. In the week I was there the doctors did all they could to control the pain and "break the cycle." It can be disheartening when  you have been in a hospital for a week and upon release you are told you may remain in pain for a week to 10 days until the meds you were given there and the ones you were sent home with get in your system and do their job.

     Now for my choices in regards to this situation, but first a little background on the one medication that really works to break the cycle. The dreaded Solu-Medrol! A wonderful steroid  which I was given 5 times in my IV at the hospital and will continue to take for the next 12 days. If you've never had the pleasure of experiencing this little gem, let me fill you in on some of the wonderful side effects. First, but not worst, it makes you bat crap crazy! I will cry one minute, yell the next, tremor, be jumpy and edgy. Of course then there are the hot flashes. Oh GOD the hot flashes! Last night I felt that I was trapped in a sauna with a million bees sting my face and ears causing them to be on fire! My heart will race, I will eventually get the lovely "moon face" and possibly gain anywhere from 5-15 lbs. Lastly, the insomnia and leg cramps as I am weaning off of them. Not ordinary leg cramps, but super duper ran a marathon without drinking any water leg cramps. Now comes my CHOICE. How to deal with all of this. First choice, take the meds with all the glorious side effects, or possibly remain in a constant migraine state. Last night I sat crying feeling sorry for myself thinking how unfair it all is. But then I made a CHOICE. I will take the steroids, I will accept the side effects, I will live, they will not kill me, they are just unpleasant. I will not allow my circumstances to set me back from the progress I had made in gaining my life back. I will be careful what I eat, and when strong enough in a few days to start walking again.

    I CHOOSE to fight. I CHOOSE to overcome my situation. I CHOOSE to let my mind rule, not my emotions. Thank you Dr Kulis for teaching me the power of that one little 6 letter word. I do not know what path my life is on, but it is a much different path than just a few weeks ago. I look forward to turning a corner, opening that secret gate and finding a beautiful peaceful place of my own. We all make choices. Will you make the right ones for you today?

Every passing minute is an opportunity to turn it all around.  Cameron Crowe