As any of you that have followed my blog at all know, My life has been through many, many changes over the last 6 months. So many that I don't even recognize it anymore. But, if you recall my first post, and even the quote I keep at the top, this blog is about change, finding my bliss, and how to stop chasing butterflies, allowing them to come to me.
I know that I have had a very difficult time emotionally, I have lost faith and hope and was ready to give up on so many occasions, and that was definitely not the way in which I expected this blog to go. But those were the feelings I was having at the time, and putting them in writing was healing and cathartic. But over time I have come to realize that it was necessary to go through all that I to reachmy final destination.
I also have made some huge realizations as of late. Despite past postings, I have never been alone. Also, the Aztec Warrior Princess I have been searching for has been inside me all along, lying in wait until I was ready for her. And my angel, whom I picture as my mother never deserted me, at times she would sit quietly allowing me to find the strength and character within myself, and perhaps so that I could learn, as Psalm 46 says "Be still and know that I am God."
I am healing emotionally and spiritually, even as my physical health is failing. Where I was having 3 or 4 panic attacks a week, I have only had three in about a month. I still have my bad days, but they are becoming farther apart. I will be doing something and suddenly realize I haven't cried in a few days. I find myself smiling and interacting more, and even laughing here and there. This is such a long way from where I was. I have not shared this with anyone, not my counselor, not my group, not my psychiatrist, mostly for fear of being sent way, and this has been eating me inside out, and I need to rid myself of it. At my lowest points, when fear and loathing and despair had overtaken me, I had an overwhelming need to hurt myself. Not suicide, not a serious injury, but would dig my nails and scratch my arm so badly I would often bleed, and today I am left with many scars on my upper left arm. And once I took my "honeybee" scissors which are razor sharp scrapbooking scissors and had them pressed to my arm ready to carve "help" into my arm. At that moment I believe my mother came to me and held me until it passed. I have not tried since. I have also cut my fingernails very short, and a very dear friend bought me a beautiful cross called "a clinging cross" and it is designed to fit just right into your hand for comfort and solace. It is now the first thing I reach for when I become upset. Instead of dwelling on the act of hurting myself, I realize that all of the acts I have taken since, are steps toward healing. Cutting my nails, clinging my cross, choosing not to keep this secret any longer. So you can see why I felt as if I was alone and frightened in such a dark place.
So as I heal from all of this, my physical health is failing. The dizzy spells are getting worse, I have been vomiting, alot, I am sleeping 14-16 hours a day. My muscles spasm and ache all the time, especially in my legs and hips. Even a tiny task, such a quick trip to the grocery store is overwhelming. The thought of walking to the back of the store for milk or eggs causes my chest to squeeze and makes me want to lay on the floor right there and give up. But I DON'T! I slowly walk to the back, get what is needed and check out. Also progress. I am used to physical pain, I have lived with it for a long time. Enduring physical pain is a walk in the park compared to the emotional ride I have been on. I also know, that once I receive treatment for the cancer and get back my medication I will slowly gain my strength and health back.
Also, during my lowest times, my family was facing so many crises that I did not think I would make it to the other side. But as life goes on, changes become normalcy, life goes on and people adjust. I did not think my family would ever be the same with the separation of my son and his wife. I did not want my grandchildren to endure it, or feel sadness. But as they have adjusted, and settle into a new routine they are happy, and thriving. They know they are loved and safe with both their parents. They have two sets of Grandparents that add to their care and ensure they know they are loved. Their aunts and uncles on both sides take time to spend with them. I have seen my son smile the most since he was in high school. This is not an attempt to lessen his marriage in any way, I believe Mike and Kara loved (love) each other very much! But sometimes that is not enough. We are spending more time with Mike and the kids than ever, and our family has grown closer.
When we were told we needed to move because the landlord wanted to put the house on the market, I did not think I could face a move. I was too exhausted. But we have moved, we are almost settled, and once again what I thought was tragic and overwhelming has been a positive change. I feel as if I have left so many bad things behind in the old house, and I am able to face the next stage in a "clean, fresh environment" I have issues with feeling safe. More emotional than anything. My "safe" place at that house was a small space behind my dresser, nearly into my closet. Here I have a bedroom that feels like a sanctuary. It is cozy, painted the perfect color purple, has a door wall that looks into a peaceful backyard, and I have hung all of my angel pictures which are so comforting to me.
I guess the moral to this story is as difficult as it can be, change can be good. Change can be healing. Change is inevitable. My life is evolving, not like I thought it would, but as I see now we don't always know what's best for our future. And for the first time in a long time, I see a future. And I have also realized, that I am not chasing butterflies, I AM the butterfly, waiting, changing, transforming in my chrysalis, waiting until I am a fully developed butterfly. Maybe not perfect, maybe not quite whole, but changed. Survived. Ready to fly and move on to the next stage of my life. Thank you all for taking this crazy ride with me.
I know that I have had a very difficult time emotionally, I have lost faith and hope and was ready to give up on so many occasions, and that was definitely not the way in which I expected this blog to go. But those were the feelings I was having at the time, and putting them in writing was healing and cathartic. But over time I have come to realize that it was necessary to go through all that I to reachmy final destination.
I also have made some huge realizations as of late. Despite past postings, I have never been alone. Also, the Aztec Warrior Princess I have been searching for has been inside me all along, lying in wait until I was ready for her. And my angel, whom I picture as my mother never deserted me, at times she would sit quietly allowing me to find the strength and character within myself, and perhaps so that I could learn, as Psalm 46 says "Be still and know that I am God."
I am healing emotionally and spiritually, even as my physical health is failing. Where I was having 3 or 4 panic attacks a week, I have only had three in about a month. I still have my bad days, but they are becoming farther apart. I will be doing something and suddenly realize I haven't cried in a few days. I find myself smiling and interacting more, and even laughing here and there. This is such a long way from where I was. I have not shared this with anyone, not my counselor, not my group, not my psychiatrist, mostly for fear of being sent way, and this has been eating me inside out, and I need to rid myself of it. At my lowest points, when fear and loathing and despair had overtaken me, I had an overwhelming need to hurt myself. Not suicide, not a serious injury, but would dig my nails and scratch my arm so badly I would often bleed, and today I am left with many scars on my upper left arm. And once I took my "honeybee" scissors which are razor sharp scrapbooking scissors and had them pressed to my arm ready to carve "help" into my arm. At that moment I believe my mother came to me and held me until it passed. I have not tried since. I have also cut my fingernails very short, and a very dear friend bought me a beautiful cross called "a clinging cross" and it is designed to fit just right into your hand for comfort and solace. It is now the first thing I reach for when I become upset. Instead of dwelling on the act of hurting myself, I realize that all of the acts I have taken since, are steps toward healing. Cutting my nails, clinging my cross, choosing not to keep this secret any longer. So you can see why I felt as if I was alone and frightened in such a dark place.
So as I heal from all of this, my physical health is failing. The dizzy spells are getting worse, I have been vomiting, alot, I am sleeping 14-16 hours a day. My muscles spasm and ache all the time, especially in my legs and hips. Even a tiny task, such a quick trip to the grocery store is overwhelming. The thought of walking to the back of the store for milk or eggs causes my chest to squeeze and makes me want to lay on the floor right there and give up. But I DON'T! I slowly walk to the back, get what is needed and check out. Also progress. I am used to physical pain, I have lived with it for a long time. Enduring physical pain is a walk in the park compared to the emotional ride I have been on. I also know, that once I receive treatment for the cancer and get back my medication I will slowly gain my strength and health back.
Also, during my lowest times, my family was facing so many crises that I did not think I would make it to the other side. But as life goes on, changes become normalcy, life goes on and people adjust. I did not think my family would ever be the same with the separation of my son and his wife. I did not want my grandchildren to endure it, or feel sadness. But as they have adjusted, and settle into a new routine they are happy, and thriving. They know they are loved and safe with both their parents. They have two sets of Grandparents that add to their care and ensure they know they are loved. Their aunts and uncles on both sides take time to spend with them. I have seen my son smile the most since he was in high school. This is not an attempt to lessen his marriage in any way, I believe Mike and Kara loved (love) each other very much! But sometimes that is not enough. We are spending more time with Mike and the kids than ever, and our family has grown closer.
When we were told we needed to move because the landlord wanted to put the house on the market, I did not think I could face a move. I was too exhausted. But we have moved, we are almost settled, and once again what I thought was tragic and overwhelming has been a positive change. I feel as if I have left so many bad things behind in the old house, and I am able to face the next stage in a "clean, fresh environment" I have issues with feeling safe. More emotional than anything. My "safe" place at that house was a small space behind my dresser, nearly into my closet. Here I have a bedroom that feels like a sanctuary. It is cozy, painted the perfect color purple, has a door wall that looks into a peaceful backyard, and I have hung all of my angel pictures which are so comforting to me.
I guess the moral to this story is as difficult as it can be, change can be good. Change can be healing. Change is inevitable. My life is evolving, not like I thought it would, but as I see now we don't always know what's best for our future. And for the first time in a long time, I see a future. And I have also realized, that I am not chasing butterflies, I AM the butterfly, waiting, changing, transforming in my chrysalis, waiting until I am a fully developed butterfly. Maybe not perfect, maybe not quite whole, but changed. Survived. Ready to fly and move on to the next stage of my life. Thank you all for taking this crazy ride with me.
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