"Pray like it all depends on God, then when you are done, go work like it all depends on you."

Martin Luther
  You could say that I am an emotional person. I feel almost every emotion everyday. Sadness, frustration, pain, empathy, guilt, helplessness.....  One emotion I don't often feel is anger. It is a useless emotion, and I think my ability to forgive easily helps a lot with this. 
   Well, I am ANGRY! I am seething with it. I can feel it boiling up inside me, wanting to get out. I want to smash things and scream and punch something. Fortunately, I don't have the physical strength for any of that. And I believe this anger will pass, and pass quickly. I don't think I have ever felt like this before. I have always felt that anger is like a blame game. By refusing to take any culpability for your actions, your anger is displaced on someone else.
    So you may ask whom I am so angry at. I am angry at 4 doctors that I trusted with my life, my health, my future. I decided to go with a certain health system which has a good reputation, even against others advice, people I trust more than anything else in the world. Why would I do this? Faith. At the time I had made the choice, and felt that I had to have faith in God and faith in my choice and doctors and all would be okay. Oh how wrong I was. As I have learned all my lessons, I have also learned this the hard. I still believe in faith, I believe in miracles, but as the quote above says, it's good to have faith, but faith without action is like a beautiful car without a transmission. So, well, beyond a shadow of a doubt, 4 doctors left me blowing in the wind. I believe each felt I was the responsiblity of the other, therefore somehow I got lost in the middle.
     So, after all that rambling, it brings me to my story, and why I am so angry. Thank you for your patience so far. As many of you know, 3-4 weeks ago I started having dizzy spells, lapse of memory, loss of balance. All of this led to me to have several falls, one of which I sprained my ankle, and my wrist. My wrist only hurts sometimes now, but I am still having a lot of issues with my ankle. While at the emergency room (not the hospital I had my surgery at) they were more concerned with WHY I was falling and did a battery of tests. They diagnosed me with bradycardia (low heart rate) and said I need to see my endocrinologist within 2 days. That was on Tues, Aug 30th. On Wednesday, Aug 31, I called the endo's office and was told I need to speak with Chris, who (of course) I had leave to a message. She did not return my call until the next day, Thursday Sept. 1. She informed me the office would be closed until Wed. Sept 7th., and to call back then. Are you kidding me? Anyway in the meantime my symptoms only got worse. I began to slur my speech, could not walk a straight line. bumped into walls, continued to fall, began vomiting and not holding down any food, and passed out twice. Also the cramps and spasms in my hips and legs worsened, becoming quite difficult to walk. Not to mention I was sleeping at least 14-16 hours a day. On Wed. 9:00 a.m. I called, got her to the phone only by throwing a fit, she says to me, "well, I don't understand why you are not checking your blood sugar regularly."  I said "Uh... cuz I'm not diabetic" so she says, well what happened to your meter, did you lose it" I said, I don't know think you know who  I am, but I do not see Dr. Rosenblatt for Diabetes, He is treating me for THYROID CANCER! and than thought to myself (dumbass!!!!!). She puts me on hold and when she comes back on she says Dr would like to see you right away so how is OCT 3rd. That was it, I was done!!! I called my PCP and was told by her secretary that I already have an appointment on the 29th and would not be able to get in any sooner.
     After talking to Keith and Mike on Sunday, Sept 11 by which time I knew I was in serious trouble, We decided to notify the hospital I saw for the sprained ankle/wrist and see what they suggest. I left on online request for a phone call at 10 p.m. Well I received a call back by 9:15 the very next morning! Imagine that. I explained the situation and was told I need to find a new PCP first, and together, we found one that seemed like a good fit. Well, my luck, being what it is, his father passed away the day before and would be out all this week so I can't see him til next week. Still better than the others. I still knew I needed to act on my instincts, and decided to call my Bad-Ass Sister who has survived cancer 4 times and takes no crap from any doctor. I asked her to call the oncologist she has used for 20 years as they have such a great relationship. First she spoke with the office manager to explain my situation, and within one hour the doctor himself called her back! He told her If I could not see a doctor the very next day, I am to go to emergency, that I am in a very dangerous situation. 
     My husband took the next day off, I packed a bag and off we went. They were very busy!!!!! We waited 2 hours just for a cubby in the er. again, blood was drawn, a CT of my head from when I bumped it from passing out, chest xrays, an ekg. And then the waiting. The thyroid tests take forever, and came back that my TSH (thyroid stimulated hormone) was at 207. On June 13th is was 27.5. A  normal level is between 0.03 and 1.7. I knew I was off the synthroid to go hypo, but no one kept track of me, I should have began treatment sometime around 80. I was told I was myxedema, and very close to a myxedema coma. It is a very dangerous state, often fatal and almost always leads to permanent heart damage. They were able to get a hold of my sisters oncologist who is seeing me tomorrow, and he said to put me immediately on the highest dose of sythroid. How can well trained well experienced doctors allow this to happen? How can a doctor I have never spoken to but has cared for sister for so long step in and care so much about my health, even though he has never met me?
     I have learned a great life lesson, though. Faith can move mountains, Faith can achieve great things, but we must not have blind Faith. We must play an active role in that Faith and trust ourselves as well, after all, that is a form of Faith as well. We must use all of our resources, even if that resource is your Big Bad Ass Sister! 
    I may not be able to have Radioactive Iodine Treatment. Going hypo in any way now will be too dangerous, so we must come up with a Plan B. I don't know what is in my future. I am sure there will still be many bumps, but For the first time in such a long time I feel I have people on my side, fighting for me. I am so glad I just didn't sit back and wait because would have had tragic results!