I very wise woman that I admire very much sent this quote to my facebook. It made me cry. In a good way. See, I cry a lot lately. Sometimes because someone says just what I need to hear, like that quote. Sometimes because I received a card in the mail, or a phone call from a friend. Sometimes because I am still mad as hell, and sometimes because I am just so thankful to be here.
I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks because I just didn't know where to start. I haven't even logged on to try. I have been through so much over the past few weeks, and my emotions are a mess. But they have changed. Like me, they are evolving. I have shed that dark despair. I have no intention on giving up. I have definitely found my door and went crashing through it. Oh, I am still a hot mess, but for different reasons and in a different way.
I went into details in my blog on 9/15, so I won't again, but coming face to face with (another) health crisis, being told I could have fallen into a coma, or worse, has completely changed me. Before I was in such a dark lonely place, giving up seemed my only option. I thought about it constantly. I hated myself. I felt so alone, even when people were all around me. I don't want to sound dramatic, but it took possibly facing death, to want to fight for life. Before my soul was so troubled I had no fight at all. Now all I want to do is fight. Before I could not even picture a future, now I think about and plan things I want to do in the future.
That brings me to my newest struggle which I mentioned in my earlier blog. The ANGER. I didn't have to go through all that I did. Had I been properly taken care of when first diagnosed, through surgery and treatment, I would have been back to work, my life would not have been completely turned upside down. I would not have been ROBBED of experiences and time with my grandchildren. My thyroid cancer was first suspected on Nov. 26th of 2010. It is now Oct. 8, 2011. I have learned the typical span from suspicion, surgery, to treatment is 4 months. Every appointment I made took a month to get in, no one seemed to have time for me. After all, I had the "good cancer" no rush, right. And what makes me the angriest and hurts the most is that when I was in an actual CRISIS, when my thyroid hormone level was at a critical point, the doctor that was supposed to be monitoring me took a long weekend and couldn't be reached. It makes me feel as if my life is not as important as his golf time. My own doctor that has taken care of me for 10 years kept telling me to call the Endo! I knew I was in trouble, but no one had time for me. I am working hard to overcome the anger. It's happening slowly. But even more so, their lack of vigilance has stripped me of my self esteem, my feelings of self-worth. That brings a lot of tears. I used to be able to talk to any one any where, and now I feel that what I have to say is not important enough. I used to meet people eyes and say hello, now I rarely even look up. My new doctors are helping a lot. My Endocrinologist in particular is being UBER vigilant. I am learning to accept that I will not get that time back. I cannot change it. I must move on. And my Pollyanna side that must find good in everything is thankful that if nothing else, the whole experience has pulled me out of the hell that I was in.
I have been through my whole body scan, an MRI and this Wednesday I will have a PET scan. All of this is to determine the correct treatment, so I will not have to go hypo again as that would be dangerous. During the MRI I cried. I couldn't help but think I should not be there. I should not be going through this. So, sometimes my mind still takes me to that angry place. I also feel so much guilt for being sick in the first place. Of course the medical bills are crazy, the doctors co-pays alone are ridiculous, and we won't mention the medications, plus two emergency room visits this month alone. Plus we went from a two income to a one income family. I applied for unemployment but was declined because I worked for a non-profit organization. So I often feel guilt about not being able to work, even though I know it's way out of my control. We have made a lot of adjustments. But I feel that my family must be becoming resentful and tired. Of course, the logical, old part of me knows this is not true, but it is an emotion I am really struggling with.
Today is day three working on this post, and I had an appointment with my new Primary Care Doctor. Again, amazing. He was comforting and reassuring, and thorough. He did not hide his astonishment when I shared my story as to why I am switching doctors in the middle of treatment. He was shocked to hear that I was able to walk or talk at all while my TSH 205, and his comment was that I must be very strong, and once I am through treatment I should regain strength quickly. He expressed concern about heart damage, but said that is not a worry for today, and that can be managed. He even made a promise, as my Primary doctor to always manage and monitor my care with other doctors. That was very comforting to me.
So it is my hope that I am nearing the end. I have so much more to my story, most of it better to be shared when I am not so emotional. Please say a prayer on Wednesday, I am nervous about the PET scan, it sounds like it is quite a test. It will take nearly 2 hours.
I would like to end this by saying thank you my family. I have been an emotional crazy woman at home. The poor men in my life NEVER know what will make cry. They are great patient men. My sister has been amazing driving me to doctor appointments and tests and holding my hand, asking questions I forget. My other sister calls often to check on me. I can hear the worry in her voice. She lives in Tennessee and I know in her heart she wishes she were here, but she came for a week to help find a group home for my father, and had to go back. But I know she's here in spirit. Thank you to my friend Deena that always checks on me and visits often, and to my friends, through Facebook that show their support. I certainly don't feel alone anymore. I love you all.
I went into details in my blog on 9/15, so I won't again, but coming face to face with (another) health crisis, being told I could have fallen into a coma, or worse, has completely changed me. Before I was in such a dark lonely place, giving up seemed my only option. I thought about it constantly. I hated myself. I felt so alone, even when people were all around me. I don't want to sound dramatic, but it took possibly facing death, to want to fight for life. Before my soul was so troubled I had no fight at all. Now all I want to do is fight. Before I could not even picture a future, now I think about and plan things I want to do in the future.
That brings me to my newest struggle which I mentioned in my earlier blog. The ANGER. I didn't have to go through all that I did. Had I been properly taken care of when first diagnosed, through surgery and treatment, I would have been back to work, my life would not have been completely turned upside down. I would not have been ROBBED of experiences and time with my grandchildren. My thyroid cancer was first suspected on Nov. 26th of 2010. It is now Oct. 8, 2011. I have learned the typical span from suspicion, surgery, to treatment is 4 months. Every appointment I made took a month to get in, no one seemed to have time for me. After all, I had the "good cancer" no rush, right. And what makes me the angriest and hurts the most is that when I was in an actual CRISIS, when my thyroid hormone level was at a critical point, the doctor that was supposed to be monitoring me took a long weekend and couldn't be reached. It makes me feel as if my life is not as important as his golf time. My own doctor that has taken care of me for 10 years kept telling me to call the Endo! I knew I was in trouble, but no one had time for me. I am working hard to overcome the anger. It's happening slowly. But even more so, their lack of vigilance has stripped me of my self esteem, my feelings of self-worth. That brings a lot of tears. I used to be able to talk to any one any where, and now I feel that what I have to say is not important enough. I used to meet people eyes and say hello, now I rarely even look up. My new doctors are helping a lot. My Endocrinologist in particular is being UBER vigilant. I am learning to accept that I will not get that time back. I cannot change it. I must move on. And my Pollyanna side that must find good in everything is thankful that if nothing else, the whole experience has pulled me out of the hell that I was in.
I have been through my whole body scan, an MRI and this Wednesday I will have a PET scan. All of this is to determine the correct treatment, so I will not have to go hypo again as that would be dangerous. During the MRI I cried. I couldn't help but think I should not be there. I should not be going through this. So, sometimes my mind still takes me to that angry place. I also feel so much guilt for being sick in the first place. Of course the medical bills are crazy, the doctors co-pays alone are ridiculous, and we won't mention the medications, plus two emergency room visits this month alone. Plus we went from a two income to a one income family. I applied for unemployment but was declined because I worked for a non-profit organization. So I often feel guilt about not being able to work, even though I know it's way out of my control. We have made a lot of adjustments. But I feel that my family must be becoming resentful and tired. Of course, the logical, old part of me knows this is not true, but it is an emotion I am really struggling with.
Today is day three working on this post, and I had an appointment with my new Primary Care Doctor. Again, amazing. He was comforting and reassuring, and thorough. He did not hide his astonishment when I shared my story as to why I am switching doctors in the middle of treatment. He was shocked to hear that I was able to walk or talk at all while my TSH 205, and his comment was that I must be very strong, and once I am through treatment I should regain strength quickly. He expressed concern about heart damage, but said that is not a worry for today, and that can be managed. He even made a promise, as my Primary doctor to always manage and monitor my care with other doctors. That was very comforting to me.
So it is my hope that I am nearing the end. I have so much more to my story, most of it better to be shared when I am not so emotional. Please say a prayer on Wednesday, I am nervous about the PET scan, it sounds like it is quite a test. It will take nearly 2 hours.
I would like to end this by saying thank you my family. I have been an emotional crazy woman at home. The poor men in my life NEVER know what will make cry. They are great patient men. My sister has been amazing driving me to doctor appointments and tests and holding my hand, asking questions I forget. My other sister calls often to check on me. I can hear the worry in her voice. She lives in Tennessee and I know in her heart she wishes she were here, but she came for a week to help find a group home for my father, and had to go back. But I know she's here in spirit. Thank you to my friend Deena that always checks on me and visits often, and to my friends, through Facebook that show their support. I certainly don't feel alone anymore. I love you all.
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