Invisible....

"Everyone has an invisible sign around their neck saying 'make me feel important'."   Mary Kay Ash


     I wasn't super popular in high school, but I had a lot of friends, and fit in well. I didn't bully or tease others, because I certainly would never want someone to do it to me, but I was always glad I wasn't one of the "invisibles."  Well, now I fear I have become one. I talked about how being thrown aside and forgotten about had damaged my self-esteem. Well, I misspoke, it destroyed it. 


      I am an intelligent woman. I am able to think logically and reasonably. I used to be able to make sound decisions. That part of me knows I must get past this. I am in the hands of good, caring doctors now. Tests are being done and I am being informed every step of the way. It has been 3 weeks since I was in the hospital, and things take time, but it has also been 3 more weeks of no syntroid, which means my numbers are getting high again, and being Myxedemic last time scared the hell out of me. To have 3 doctors tell me what a dangerous state I was in and how lucky I am freaked me out, so as those symptoms return my fear grows. It takes a lot of self control to control mind from going to that place, and being hypothyroid makes it very hard to control my thoughts.
      Even small things can rock my unstable world. A perceived "tone" from one of my kids, a joke from my husband, an un-returned phone call. Plus, I am SO tired all of the time again. I feel useless. I want to get up and sweep, or dust or whatever but even such little tasks can wear me thin. Several times last night I felt as if I may pass out just from cooking dinner. I had to lay down several times in the process. 
     So, I am not  much use around the house, I have no job and cannot contribute to the household finances, or society, and I have all this time on my hands to think and cry and be angry. It's ironic how such a "good cancer" could take so much away from me. The cancer itself has almost been the least of my worries. Of course it scares me, but there are just so many other issues to deal with I have shoved that to a bookshelf way in the back of my mind to gather dust. I understand that as the test results come back today or tomorrow I will have to blow the dust off of it and deal with it, and of course I will. But in the mean time I wait. Mostly alone, mostly scared, mostly invisible.