Overwhelmed

“What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability. It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are.”
    It is impossible to explain to people how difficult it is for me to do things that are easy for others, or just need to get done. Sometimes just the thought of a task can be overwhelming. Walking around with a broken heart doesn't make life easier, either.
     My father was released from the hospital today. We took him home, and now we are faced with the decision whether or not to start hospice. Once we got him home, my sister had to go speak to the support and nursing staff. He was sitting in his recliner and told me he needed to use the bathroom and started to get up. He is too weak to stand. It was up to me to see that he got into his wheelchair safely and to the bathroom safely then back again. Obviously, my strength is not as it should be. I was so scared and so overwhelmed! I was afraid I couldn't hold him up, that he would fall. I began to feel the tightening in my chest and the feeling of being unable to breathe. I talked myself down from the panic attack because my father needed me. I had to dig down deep within myself to find the strength to do what needed to be done. While I kept it together then, I am a wreck inside now.
     Also, this past weekend we moved my oldest son into an apartment because he and his wife have separated. My heart is so broken. I want to hold him and the grandkids and not let go, but he is handling it all well. Sometimes the weight of it all make me feel as if I am drowning, or  being crushed by such a heavy weight I cannot breathe, but must go on. I feel myself pushing down my feelings again and have an overwhelming urge to curl up on the floor and go inside myself. It's safe there. I need to feel safe. It is not a feeling I experience often. My emotions are too fragile. I need to find something to hold onto to begin to climb out of this dark place again. I was beginning to see some light, but now something is blocking it, like they have put the cover on a well and I am trapped!
     So, I will cry for a while, I will pray, I will read psalms, which is always a comfort, and I will fight. I have very little strength left. I need to find it. I have no time to think about myself right now, because my family needs me, but I still have cancer to deal with, treatments to go through. Please continue to pray and support me and my family.