In my skin

“Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist. It is the hope that they won't last forever. That hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome. That we will be led out of the darkness and into the sunshine.”


    I have faith. I have hope. I know that there are great things to come for me and I have a lot to still offer the world. Usually. But there are days (sometimes several in a row) that holding on to those things take every bit of will and strength I have. I am in one of those places. I had an emotional set back a couple of weeks ago and it shook me to the core. The emotions and thoughts that I endured for those few days destroyed me and I have had to start my fight, my journey towards normalcy all over again. 


     It is so hard to explain to others, but I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin. It has nothing to do with my looks. It is about the person that I am. I am no longer outgoing and self confident. I constantly judge myself and feel as if nothing I do is right or good enough. I take the smallest of critiques, and allow them to crush me and my self confidence. I no longer feel as if I have anything to contribute to this world. I picture myself standing still as everyone and everything moves around me and I am frozen unable to act or speak. Just an observer, not a participator. It is a terrifying feeling. It makes me feel as if I am drowning in a sea of loneliness, even if I am surround by people, even the ones that love me most.
     I need a lifeline to keep me from drowning.  I need skills and goals and a sounding board.  On April 1st we will have health insurance again, and I hope to find a new counselor.  I need to share my feelings, but with a stranger, someone who cannot be hurt or upset by my feelings. Someone who can give me techniques and skills to cope and find the right path again. To find a way to be comfortable in my new skin once again.  I will get there, but it is a much slower process than I ever expected. I thank all my loved ones and friends for their patience as I strive to reach my full potential.


“The great essentials for happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.”