Fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will admit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone I will turn the inner eye towards it's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

                       Only I will remain.....author unknown

     What are you afraid of? Many of you will say spiders, or perhaps heights. Maybe you are afraid of the dark or water. Possibly you fear being alone or even dogs. I am not talking about the kind of fear  that makes you a little nervous or edgy. I am speaking of paralyzing, shaking in your shoes, unable to breathe FEAR.  
     Throughout the years I have known normal fears. I hate heights. Not too fond of mice or bugs. Typical stuff. But just about a year ago all that changed. First, one of my biggest fears in my life came to pass and I was diagnosed with cancer. Perhaps I have always feared this disease more than most because my mother passed away from breast cancer when I was just 8 years old but was sick most of my childhood. Suddenly my life changed. I guess it wasn't suddenly, it was more like a slow moving train. First, of course was the fear of dying. But I will save that for another day. Somehow, throughout surgery, recovery, treatment, fear began to sneak into the cracks and crevices of my psyche. I became aware one day when I was at the grocery store the man ringing up my order kept glancing at the scar on my neck. At the time it was quite fresh and rather hideous looking. I became warm. My breathing increased. My chest squeezed I wanted to run but was paralyzed. That, I believe was a mini panic attack. Like a small wave lapping at the shore on a calm day. Little did I know the Tsunami was on it's way. Before I knew it, I could not leave the house alone for fear someone would harm me. I fear being in the house alone and often check my doors and windows.  After falling several times in a matter of days  the fear of falling became so real I would only shower occasionally and only when someone was home. Oh and how I fear driving. I hate the car. Even when someone else is driving. I could go on and on, the list is endless. I am always sure someone is looking, judging, knowing my inner thoughts. The panic attacks happened almost daily and the fear of having one was so terrifying it just seemed easier to stay inside safe and sound. But then a stressful situation would arise as they tend to do, and the panic at home became just as terrifying as outside. I have learned techniques to slow if not prevent the attacks. But they left behind the fear. Like the wet sand on the beach after the storm. They left the self-doubt, self-hatred, and the secrets. Oh the secrets. Secrets that I felt (and still often feel) I could tell no one. Thoughts and deeds that I just knew (know) would destroy my loved ones and leave others gaping at me with no words to say.
     Crazy is a word I fear. Because sometimes I fear I have truly gone mad. I was a normal, contributing member of society when my life was side-swiped by a tsunami and everything in it's path was destroyed. Oh, and throw in losing my father, my son's separation, and everyday life stresses and you have created the perfect storm. 
      If it seems I have been MIA lately, it is because I am still riding out the storm, waiting for the path of destruction to end so I can rebuild myself. As of late, I have let the storm of fear win. But I am strong. I, like the tall house on the hill have weathered this storm. I may need a few repairs, but there is still life in me. I  still, even after a whole year, have a long way to go. I am tired, and I wish I had someone to carry me. But in the end it is my fight and no one else's. I will take some time to toughen up and continue to ride the eye of the storm. After all, there is only one other option, which is really no option at all. Fight or flight, let's see? I guess I have finally chosen fight. 


We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.  Martin Luther King Jr.