A Fragile Swan

Pain of mind is worse than pain of body.  ~Latin Proverb

   I have started and stopped this post probably a dozen times over the last few days. I did not like the way it was coming together. I seemed whiny or negative, and I do not want to come off that way. My intention of this blog is to have a place to put my thoughts and feelings, but, knowing that I am sharing it with others, I don't want to make it a bitch-fest either.
   My heart and mind are fragile. Picture holding a small, delicate, detailed swan made out of the thinnest of glass. Even the slightest touch could break off her wing or beak, and even a small squeeze could shatter her to pieces. That is how I feel most of the time. The most innocent of comments I can perceive as the harshest criticism, the most fleeting thought can grow into a large, dark ominous figure in my mind, leading to hours, or days of anxiety, self-loathing, and crying.
   I have always been able to see the good in others. Even when someone has hurt or upset me, I try to look for good, and focus on that. I try to get over things easily, you never know where someone is coming from, or what they have been through it their own lives, to bring them to where they are. I am not so forgiving of myself. I hate myself for decisions I have made in the past. For others I have hurt, or who's lives I may have effected negatively. I often wish for things to have been different, and I live with a lot of regret. Add that to the fear, anxiety and hurt I am currently feeling, and my heart and mind are a mess. All of this chaos in my mind has caused me cancel plans with friends and family, not answer phone calls, and not allow others in to help me. It is a vicious circle. All of that leads to feelings of loneliness and abandonment, which ultimately I created myself. Which of course in turn leads to more self-loathing............
   I am learning, through reading, writing, and a lot of hard work on myself  how to put that self-hatred and fear behind me. I can do nothing to change it, only move on from this moment and make myself the best person I can be from this point on. I make small goals each day. I may say "Today I will leave the house at least one time" That may sound like such a simple thing, but sometimes the thought of it is terrifying to me. The world is scary. Very often I don't feel safe while out at public places. I don't mean physically, I am not afraid of being a victim of a crime or getting hurt. I just feel like that fragile glass swan that could break at any moment. I am getting better with this. I can not affect change in my life without making different decisions than I would have in the past. I had two plans for today, outside of counseling, but when I woke up this morning I had an overwhelming feeling of fear and wanted to cancel both. But how can I get better, become the Warrior Princess I wish to be if I continue in the same pattern. I will keep my plans. I am looking forward to seeing my friend this evening. I don't know that I could have said that a month ago, maybe not even yesterday, who knows. But today, TODAY, I will go out with my friend, I will smile, laugh, and probably cry, I will get through today, I will not break. Tomorrow? Well tomorrow hasn't happened yet, I think I will just think about today, and wait until tomorrow to see what it brings.