It Takes a Village

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” Lance Armstrong


Pain is strange. It's effects are different in each individual. Physical pain can be measured (somewhat). If you have ever been to the doctor's or hospital with any kind of pain you will be asked "On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain you can image how bad is your pain." Sometimes they even have a smiley face chart to demonstrate. I have always found this a hard question to answer. For one thing I have a very high tolerance for pain. All of my children were WELL over 8 1/2 lbs (Jeffrey was 9 1/2) and never even considered any type of pain relief. To me it wasn't that big of a deal. I also had to go an entire month with gall stones before surgery could be done because of insurance issues, and I would actually rather have another 9 1/2 lb baby than do that again, but I got through it with only motrin and naprosen. As most of you know I have suffered from migraines for 17 years. They have worsened over the past three years. But I have worked many days with a migraine in a room of 20 toddlers, that don't necessarily cooperate because Ms. Berta has a headache. I had to work because I needed to keep my job. I also have chronic joint and muscle pain as a side effect of my thyroid problems. My point is, I can deal with physical pain, and if needed I can give the doctor a "number" and they can try to help relieve it.

How does one measure emotional, physiological, spiritual pain. It cannot be given a number. There are medications, sometimes referred to as "happy pills", and they can help. I take my Zoloft everyday and still cry most days. I can also take Xanax for anxiety and stressful situations, and it helps sometimes,  it may ease the symptoms a little. But popping a pill is not the answer to relieving this type of pain. I am learning it is actually harder than overcoming physical pain. It is work. I have to bear my soul and strip down my emotions and expose parts of myself to not only my loved ones, but every Wednesday a stranger. I have to be completely honest with others and myself or no matter how much work I put in, I will not fully heal. I have to confront ugly parts of myself such as fear, guilt, past mistakes, disappointments, ways I have hurt others, I could go on and on. I have to think a lot about losing my mother so young. I get very upset when people complain about their mothers. I would give anything in the world to spend one day with my mother as my brothers and sisters remember her. I only have 3 memories of my mother, and they are related to her illness. I have no pictures of my mother holding me. But that is all for another time and post. In order to heal my psyche and find my happiness and become a better person I have to face a lot of pain in the next few months. I made a decision a few weeks back that it was time to either do what it takes to get better, or give up. Trying to fight it on my own was too hard and I don't have the strength. I need my family. both my immediate and my brothers and sisters and extended family. I need my friends. I have learned in the past few weeks which of my friends can become "keepers of my heart". It is surprising and amazing which of my girls I have found out have deep love and patience for me and will be there, even if it is just a kind word on facebook, or a quick call or card in the mail. Those things are beautiful and healing, and hold more meaning to me than any of you can even image.  Healing this deep inner pain and sorrow is a process . It's like a deep terrible wound and in order to heal, scabs must fall off leaving it raw and exposed so it can heal again and the process can continue. A lot of tears will be shed over the next several months. They will be cleansing, antiseptic tears.

I also have found an amazing counselor. Next post I will speak of him more, but he will be there through the whole journey, listening, observing, suggesting, handing me tissues. He is the "doctor" overseeing the whole operation. I cannot take this long, scary, arduous journey by myself. I have to do the work and feel the pain, but it will take a village to see me to the other side. I promise to cherish and appreciate each one of you that helps me get there.