River of Tears

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”
      I cry everyday. Some days it's brief, some days it lasts for hours, and just when I think I am done it starts all over again. The simplest of things can set it off. Usually it's a thought or a word from someone that to others would seem harmless. I constantly feel as if I may break at any moment. Lately, I have been experiencing panic attacks. I have had three this week, each while in public. I will begin to sweat, feel like I can't breathe, my chest gets tight and I have an overwhelming urge to run. How did I get here? I don't want to be here. I want my joy and spirit back.
     Sometimes even the thought of another breathe or step is unbearable. I am not saying I am suicidal. I could never do that. But the thought of going on like this is painful. I am going to counseling, and have been for about 6 weeks. My counselor is amazing. He is kind, patient, accepting and always has fabulous ideas and information to aid in my healing. I will also be seeing the clinic's psychiatrist next Friday. It's hard to accept that I am in that deep. My Endocrinologist and Nuclear Med. Dr. will not allow me to have treatment for cancer until my depression has improved. I find this impossible to grasp. I went to my PCP on Thursday and she said that the Radioactive Iodine Treatment is very hard on your body and can have long lasting effects, up to 6 months, and if I am not mentally strong enough to deal with what's ahead, I will only get worse, and take longer to physically heal. While it is required I go to counseling and see the psychiatrist, I believe it is saving my life. It is a slow process, there is only so much that can be addressed in 50 minutes once a week. But I have homework, and I am putting in the time and the work. Not going NEVER feels like an option. 
     Who would have thought that healing my psyche and delicate heart would be the hardest thing I've ever done. As I've said before, I am facing things that have long been buried, or are so painful the thought of it makes me feel as if I am drowning. I have to consider each tear a cleansing one. One drop or step closer to my Warrior Princess. I am occasionally beginning to see shadows in this formally pitch black scary place. Each time I make the decision to leave the house, go to counseling, go to see my father (that is a whole other post, he is very ill, and 88 and tired, and I am trying to make up for a lot of lost opportunities over the last few years) it is a small victory, and the tiniest bit of light is let into my dark place. I am facing down demons, and am in my own personal hell, but if I am quiet and keep on moving, I might get out before the devil even knows I'm here.


“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”