"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the handling of conflict without losing your balance"
I love this quote. It is such a perfect way to describe how I often feel. Off balance. It is as if I am constantly losing my balance and stumbling. Moments when I feel inadequate and completely insecure. I had one of those moments yesterday.
In the past few years I have distanced myself from so many people. My fears and depression, which I have now accepted have been with me much longer than I ever realized, have kept me from so much. Some days just picking up the phone would cause a panic in me that felt like death. One of the major steps in my healing is changing this pattern. I make dates with friends, go outside for walks, sit on the porch at least once a day, and most importantly make time to see my father every few days. It may be difficult to understand, but these are HUGE steps for me. Anyway, yesterday was the first time I went to the rehab center by myself. I was very shaky in the morning, feeling the cold, icy fingers of panic reaching out to me. I did my breathing exercises and some thought replacement exercises I have been working on in counseling, and off I went.
My Dad was in a great mood, if maybe a little sleepy. He is getting stronger, and is always happy to see me. His roommate was being discharged after a 3 1/2 month stay and there was a lot going on in the room. Chaos around me is difficult. My mind begins to spin and my thoughts become jumbled. The man's wife commented that the glasses her husband was wearing looked too big and she didn't think they were his. She asked if they were my father's. I said I didn't think so. They were wired rimmed and my father always wore solid frames. Plus I hadn't seen him wear his glasses there at all, but the woman kept going on and on and looking at me like I was an idiot (or so I perceived) that I didn't know if they belonged to him. I tried one of my sisters, who has been his major caregiver for the past several years, but her phone was off. I did get a hold of my other sister who also was pretty sure his glasses weren't there at the rehab center. Of course my Dad was no help, he insisted he never wore glasses EVER, even though I knew he had my whole life. I felt those panicy fingers reaching for me, and even began to doubt myself. Did my father really ever wear glasses? Am I crazy to think he did? I held it together, made the decision that no, they must be the roommates, even against his wife's protests. When I left the center, I sat in my car and sobbed for ten minutes. So much self-doubt and guilt crept in. I should be able to handle a simple situation such as this. I should know what my Dad's glasses look like. I am a grown woman and should be able to go to a public place and do normal things without fear and panic coming along like evil little stalkers.
Of course when I got home I lost it even more. I cried in my husband's arms and just blurted the whole story as well as my feelings of embarrassment and self-loathing and the longing to just be normal and whole again. He started pointing out all of the baby steps I made that day. Just going out by myself was a huge accomplishment. I figured out the glasses situation, and didn't panic or cry in front of strangers. I came home and told him about it instead of holding it in. I needed to hear that, and he's right. But I say again, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. It would be so much easier to just retreat to my room, where I feel safe. I am so sick of those four walls, though. I am working on finding the safe room inside of me. The place where no matter what the situation, how bad the storm, how intense the conflict I can stand my ground. I will not stumble or fall. I have a long, scary road ahead, but at the end I will find my peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment