"To weep is to make less the depth of your grief."   - William Shakespeare

     I can say with all my being that my heart is broken. It was not smashed to pieces by a lost love.  One of my children did not do a horrible thing, or vow never to talk to me. Nothing as dramatic as that. I believe it has been weakening and crumbling for sometime now, and some recent news, has caused it to break into a million little pieces. The news is not about my health. No one I love is sick (other than my father which I have been coping with) no one has died, but this news has changed my life, and the lives of my family forever. 
     The pain and heartbreak, along with everything else I have been facing, are almost too much to bear.  My tears are a constant companion. There have been moments that I feel as if I honestly cannot go on, it is too painful. I know that with time those feelings will lessen. "And this too shall pass" is a phrase I have been repeating often. I have been working over the past several weeks on getting stronger, and moving farther away from the edge of a huge cliff that I felt I was on, ready to fall at any moment. Now I feel as if I have been pushed off that cliff and I am falling, there is just no bottom on which to land. I am sure you would like to know what has caused this, but it is not my place to speak of here. It is also too painful to talk about right now. When I try to talk about it with my family, tears come immediately and my voice actually locks up. Day by day  I hope it becomes easier, and in the end I know it will all be okay. I just have to get there. I have turned to prayer a lot these days. And I have some books with positive poems and psalms which have been helpful. If this is true heartbreak, then it is the most painful condition I have ever known.
      On a side note, I saw the psychiatrist on friday and we are trying a couple of new things that will hopefully curb the panic attacks, and help me to sleep better. Fri. and Sat night were much better, but I was up until 4 am last night, it was horribly frustrating. I ended up screaming into my pillow until my throat hurt, and of course I cried.  She was quite reassuring that my panic attacks, insomnia and anxiety are temporary, and will improve given time. We just have to manage them in the mean time. And, great news, she doesn't think I'm crazy!!! lol
As the stress improves, and depression lessens things on all fronts should improve. And if I'm able to sleep better at night, I will heal faster and be able to handle things much better. In the meantime, I have my family, I have my friends, I have this spot to put my feelings into words, which is more healing than you could ever imagine, and above all I have the drive and yearning to get better. Thanks to everyone that is playing a part in my healing, even if it is just reading the words on these pages.
      There is a Jewish saying "God is closest to those with broken hearts"  and I know this is true. I do not feel abandoned by him, I feel his presence and love. My most peaceful moments, which are rare, I know he is there. I am reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" and the last verse:

 "  My son, my precious child,

I love you and would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you only see one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you"