Doors and Windows

I have been keeping a journal of sorts for the past few weeks. That's one reason I decided to write this blog. I find writing my thoughts down healing and therapeutic. I always have. I wrote an entry trying to put into words what depression is like, at least for me. It was both painful and healing to write. If my loved ones read this, please understand I am writing it down to be free from it. My counselor has told me I need to reveal myself more, in order for others to understand and help me. Also holding in my pain and emotions is like a cancer (some pun intended) and I need to be rid of it. So the following is  my description of how I feel most days. 
I want my strength back. My physical strength of course. But more so, emotionally and spiritually I feel weak and broken. Cancer and depression has stolen so much from me. I don't mean physical health. I will heal, I will move on, I will get physically stronger. It has taken so much more. Like a thief it has stolen my soul, my happiness, my spirit. I feel like a shell, hollowed out. It's dark and it's cold and damp. I am in there somewhere but when I scream there is either silence, or it just echoes and echoes and echoes......
There are doors there. I can sense them, but I cannot find them to open them. Sometimes I forget about the doors and look for windows. If I can find a window I can open it and let some light and fresh air in. I can hear faint voices around me. I know others are there just beyond those doors and windows. I can feel their warmth and love, I hear whispers and rustles, but in the darkness, they are just out of my reach.
Sometimes I close my eyes. I picture myself as I wish to be. She is part Rosie the Riveter, part Aztec Warrior Princess. She is a bad-ass bitch, dressed in pink and purple, of course. She has all the tools to fight this. She has strength and fortitude and attitude and perseverance. All the things I know are inside in the dark with me but I just can't find them. I think I need to keep looking until I find the door she is hiding behind. I need her here to help me get out of this dark awful place.