Lost and Found

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."  -Henry David Thoreau

     I have been giving a lot of thought as to why I may feel such deep sorrow lately. Probably too much. But part of my therapy is to replace one negative self talk with a positive one, so I have also spent time thinking of the things I have "found" if you will. I have decided that I am in a somewhat mourning period over things I have lost or can longer do, as I went over in a previous post. So first I wanted to write about the things that Migraines, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism,  Thyroid Cancer, and mental disorders (that is the first time I have ever admitted out loud that it is much more than depression) have taken away from me.
      I am not sure to begin, but I will just start. The first thing I noticed that I really lost was my ability to enjoy the things I love like sunshine and light and most of all children. When my migraines began to be set off by sunlight and bright florescent lighting things changed a lot. I cannot go outside on a beautiful day without sunglasses. If the sun is too bright and hits me just so I immediately vomit. My house is usually like a cave. Shades drawn, few lights on, TV volume low,  I cannot wear perfume. I am sure it has been difficult on my family. My husband and sons so badly want an awesome stereo system, but I would not be able to be home when they listen to it. Even my dog barking can trigger a migraine. Thank goodness he rarely does it in the house.  
     I had a job that I absolutely LOVED. I got to love, hold, kiss and play with one and two year olds every day. It was so rewarding and made me feel so needed. But a room of 20 toddlers can be very loud and hectic. Also, the over head lights in the room were just killers, and of course, I could not were sunglasses inside. I was given permission to wear a hat on bad days, but really felt silly and like I stood out. The girls that I worked with every day are amazing people and we all supported each other. I have lost that every day companionship.  So, about a year ago my boss moved me to the office where it was quieter and more controlled. I found that I was very good at that as well, and felt everything would be okay. But then I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer and my health and mental well being faded fast. At the end of April I was no longer able to work, and have not worked since. Last Thursday my doctor told me I may not able to work for some time, if ever, and certainly not in that atmosphere, and probably NEVER full time again. Obviously, this has had a major impact on our household income as well.  I know I am strong, and can overcome a lot, but this was just another terrible blow to me.
     I lost nearly 5 years with my father, and he is no longer the man he used to be. He has dementia  and has become so frail. He will no longer eat so he has no strength. He has a cannot walk on his own. I would give anything to have that lost time back.
     Because of Hypothyroidism it is becoming difficult to drive. My children or husband drive me most places. I can still drive, but my mind often feels "disconnected" so I will only go short distances. Also, my Psychiatrist says if the panic attacks don't get better by our next visit, we will have to talk about taking a break from driving until they improve.  Going out alone can also be an issue, because I have no clue when a panic attack may happen. A store can quickly become overwhelming. The noise, the people, the amount of items, it can all be too much. I used to be very organized when shopping, use coupons, bargain hunt, you name it. But now my mind gets fuzzy and I can become confused and overwhelmed easily. That is why I often don't like to leave the house, even though ALL of my doctors agree (I am being treated by 5) that I need to leave at least once a day, or it could quickly become a bigger issue.
      I could go on, but I would like to talk about what I have found in the past few months, as I am trying to focus on those instead. I have found what true unconditional love is. My children and husband will do absolutely anything for me, and no matter how deep in despair I am they ALWAYS help me through. I have never known a love like this before. They have always loved me, but I used to be the rock, the doer of all things. Now that I can longer be that person, they have stepped up big time.  I have found a new relationship with my father, and am trying to forget about what I have missed, and just enjoy the time we have left. Holding his hand, watching him sleep, just visiting, even if he doesn't know it's me, it's ok. Sometimes I just sit on my porch and watch the trees move. It's amazing how if you just stop and be still for a few minutes what you can see and how much peace you can feel, if only for a few minutes. I have always adored my grandchildren, but now every single moment I spent with them is a gift. They are love personified. I can feel how much they love me with just a touch or  look.  
     I now believe in miracles even more than ever before.  I see small miracles everyday. I fought tooth and nail with my insurance company to get a female counselor, but it just didn't work out. The minute I shook Dr. Wroble's hand I knew he was the right one for me. He is amazing and patient and helpful. Like Garth Brooks said, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." Also,  I never wanted a dog, but my son and husband REALLY did and bugged and bugged until I gave in. I did and gave conditions. He had to be housebroken, he COULD NOT be a shedder, and only medium size, no big dogs. Hercules is none of these. He is 1/2 German Shepherd and 1/2 Husky so he is definitely a shedder. We got him at 8 weeks and was a pain to housebreak! And he weighs almost 100 lbs. But, despite all that, I believe he has saved my life a few times. He is so tuned in to my emotions it is uncanny. When I have been inconsolable and on the brink of a breakdown, he is always right there, watching, loving, protecting. The minute I begin crying he is at my side and will not leave. The dog I never wanted has become the dog I cannot live without.
     I have also discovered the power of writing. It is catharsis. Cleansing and purifying. Even if nobody were to ever read a word, I feel purged when I am done. I have found so many other blessings in my life I could keep going, but you get the picture. So, at the end of what I am sure is going to be a long bumpy process I think the most important thing I am going to find is the new me. I now know that she is within me, hiding, waiting for me to heal to reveal herself in small increments. She is going to be amazing. I can't wait to meet her.