Gilda's Club

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection." ~Buddha
       I want to start off by explaining some of my feelings of sadness and sorrow and panic. I need to make it very clear that I do not feel sorry for myself. It is not self-pity. What I experience is self-loathing. Not quite hatred, but close. I am really, really, really working hard on this. I don't hate myself, I hate that I have lost certain qualities, and have acquired others. I hate feeling fear and panic and anxiety all the time. I hate that I am weak. I especially hate that my children see me that way. I hate being so fragile. Everyone around me feels like they have to walk on eggshells in case the smallest misconstrued comment causes me to sink into a deep state of sorrow or even worse, panic. Again, I DO NOT feel sorry for myself. I am doing everything and anything to get better. I think that if it was self-pity I would just wallow and whine and not do anything to get better.
    That being said, I would like to talk about the newest step towards my healing, Gilda's Club. It is an amazing place. It is in a large old house in Royal Oak, and they have kept it very much a cozy home like atmosphere. The rooms are welcoming and decorated with comfortable furniture, and you feel like you can kick off your shoes and get comfortable. As a member (which is free) you can go anytime and use any room to read, listen to your mp3, bring your laptop, just a safe place to hang out. They also offer free workshops, such as yoga, meditation, reiki, painting, beading, scrapbooking..... I could go on and on. Then there are wellness groups once a week, which I attended yesterday, and will talk about in a minute. As well as once a month groups for specific types of cancer. Mine will fall into the head and neck category. Then there are potlucks and movie nights and lectures. It is going to be a great place to help me find myself. 
    My first wellness group was yesterday and at first I wasn't sure if I would fit in at all! I was the youngest in the room, and it was quite obvious that the group had been together for a long time and were very tight knit. But they welcomed me with open arms and were kind and comforting. I think I will fit well into the group. I think their experience and wealth of knowledge will be helpful to me. It's amazing how you can open up in front of strangers and tell them things you feel that you can't tell your closest loved ones. I got a true, well meant hug from each one of them, and that was greatly needed. I need to be touched and hugged, and I live with all boys, so sometimes they don't think to do that enough. 
     Today I have counseling and I have a lot to share with him. I have made a choice not to hold my pain in anymore,  and while talking about it and bringing things up long ago buried is painful in itself, healing comes with pain, and I know I have a great team on my side. As I've said before, it will take a village to get me well, who knew that village included so many people I hadn't even met yet. I believe in my heart God has brought each one of these people into my life, and those that are my biggest supporters have stayed by my side through it all, and I thank them and love them all. In tragedy, you really find who is important to you, and learn to treasure those relationships.  Gilda's club has it's own language, there are certain phrases they ask you to replace with others. I love the term "Cancer Warrior" That is how I picture myself as I want to be. That Aztec Warrior Princess. They like to replace "fighting cancer" with "regaining control and well being" I'll take either one. I AM in a battle, more within myself than with cancer, but it is a war, and I fight it everyday. But, ultimately I am regaining control and well being. So maybe it is a combination of both. So, thank you Gilda's Club, thank you CSSOC (my counseling center), thank you to all my doctors, and especially thank you to my family and true friends for helping pull me to the other side. I'll get there, and in the end, no matter what I will always be there for you too. I love you all.

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself."  ~Alan Alda