Standing at the door and knocking

"In one's self lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn,the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself."  -Jiddu Krishnamurti


    In one of my first posts called "Doors and Windows" I wrote about feeling lost in the dark, looking for a door or window to help me to get out of this lonely desolate place. Each day I make small little steps and I am learning new skills, as well as learning to like my self, just a little each day. I have been crying alot the last few days after the panic attack my kids had to witness, plus going to Gilda's for my first group was scary and healing at the same time. Just expelling these emotions is so exhausting!!! People who think you can "Just snap out of it" in regards to depression or other mental illness, just don't understand. I will say it again. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. I will never be the same, and like alcoholism and drug addiction, I know I will overcome, but struggle with this the rest of my life. I need to be stronger than it. 
     So that brings me back  to the "doors and windows."  If you read that post you know that I felt as if I was stumbling in the dark looking for a door to get me out of this dark place. Well, today I feel as if I have made it far enough in the dark to find a door, but the door is locked, and I have no key. I am pounding and pounding until my fists are bloody, but cannot open the door. I know that no one can open it for me. It is up to me. I must leave the safety of the door, and go to find the key in the dark, hoping to be able to find the elusive door once again, and then praying that the key will fit. That key will be made of strength, self-confidence, love and acceptance of myself, peace, and happiness. I will find pieces of it along the way, put it together, and return to the door to open it and walk through it to live the rest of my life.
    This journey is so long and arduous. Sometimes I grow tired and weary. Other days I feel as if I can walk miles and make great strides! It is a roller coaster ride, and I never did care for roller coasters. I am more of a tilt-o-whirl or bumper cars kind of girl. Keep me close to the ground. Roller coasters make me feel unsafe, afraid, and out of control.
     I feel as if I'm rambling, so I will end by thanking once again those of you that are holding my hand and helping me along this journey. Thank you to those that read my blog, and offer words of comfort and support. You are helping more than you know.