You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt
I had another panic attack today. Don't know what triggered it. Had a lot of stress today. But I was at home. Hubby was at work. So, my boys had to help me through it. This breaks my heart. First of all, the fact that I have them at all is frightening and makes me feel weak and oh so small. But that my children see me like that kills me inside. They were great though. Justin got a cold cloth and put it on the back of my neck and reminded me to breath. In and out. In and out. Jeff called his Dad right away to see what else they could do. They didn't think about it, they just acted. They are so amazing. I can't help but wonder, though, if I am somehow damaging them. I know they are grown. They are 18 and 19 and have incredible hearts and great heads on their shoulders, but what child needs to see their mother like that no matter the age. I need to get better. I am doing all I can but it doesn't seem to be fast enough for me. Counseling, psychiatrist, tomorrow group therapy at Gilda's, books, bible verses, prayer, blogging, meditation, breathing, self-talk. I can think of no more to do to make it better faster. I keep saying "And this too shall pass" and a thousand other things over and over. I feel like I take a few steps forward and get knocked back on my ass again. I keep getting up, though, and will continue to do so. Then this stupid disease can knock me down again and again and I will just keep getting up. Wow, I'm exhausted just thinking about it!!! It just drives me crazy that I have cancer and I can't even think or worry about that because I have to expend so much energy on depression and panic disorder. Maybe it's good, because thyroid cancer is the most confusing frustrating thing ever!! There is so much involved and the doctors throw all these "numbers" at me and I have no idea what they mean and then I go to my online thyca support group and they tell me different things than the doctors and tell me to find new doctors and it just goes round and round. And I want to have my treatment. I want my whole body scan and I want them to tell me what I need to do so I can move on. I feel as if I am in limbo. But they won't do anything because of my mental issues. I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I am sorry I lost it for a minute. One thing I have learned is to enjoy the little things, and I have really learned to slow down and sometimes it's as easy as putting on my headphones and listening to a few of my favorite songs with my eyes closed and just bbbrrreeeaaattthhhiiinnnggg..... again, in and out. In and out. Sometimes I just like to sit on the porch and watch my dog play with his favorite soccer ball. Or watch my granddaughter play with her babies or cuddle with my grandson. A walk down the street becomes a moment of thankfulness. And this may be hard for some to understand, but if I'd never gotten sick, I'd still be working and would not be able to spend this time with my sister and my dad. When I look at my dad I am so thankful to have this time with him. I am {{{almost}}} over the guilt of the time that I lost with him. One thing I have finally learned is to let go of the past, renew relationships that are worth renewing, and live for today. Worrying about tomorrow is too stressful and guaranteed to bring on a panic attack, so I am trying to live in the moment, whether it be watching the wind in the trees, smelling flowers, watching my grandchildren, spending a quiet moment with my dad, a hug from my very patient husband, or knowing what great men my boys have become. My journey feels as if I have a thousand miles more to go, but it continues.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji
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