The Battle

“God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”  unknown


     Is it possible to actually die from sorrow?  Some days I think my sorrow may actually kill me. It has certainly broken me and taken away everything that I used to be. I will go along for a few days, and feel glimpses of it  creeping in and out like a little imp toying with me, and then BOOM! it invades me and has taken over my whole being.  I have never know a pain such as this. I feel I could carve "Help me" into my skin with a hot dagger and it would be less painful. I cannot even think back to the girl that I used to be. I was strong, held a great job that I loved, ran my family and made decisions, was able to go places alone without fear and panic, Where the hell did she go?
     I had my worse panic attack yet the other day. All it took was a little comment from a family member. 
My chest was squeezing, I alternated between hyperventilating and unable to take a breathe. My right arm was shaking and flailing uncontrollably. I could not stand, I could not speak. By that I mean my voice was locked and I physically could not speak. It lasted 15 minutes. That was the longest one yet.  Am I getting better or worse? . We went to my endo yesterday and spoke at length with him about my emotional pain. He suggested that yes, most others would need a week or two stay away and intense therapy. However, he said that most people would not be trying as hard as I to overcome this, and that I have great insight and great support at home as well as weekly visits with my counselor and monthly with my psychiatrist. He suggested I spend a few days "at rest"  with no pressures, as little stress as possible and get as much sleep as possible. Apparently averaging 3 to 5 hours sleep a night catches up to you and is very hard on your body and emotions. The last few nights the sleeping has been much better. I think the new meds have adjusted and are working.
      I have a lot of time to think and I believe there is a war waging for my soul, or mind if you will. The evil imp really wants me to surrender. The harder I fight, the harder he fights back. I guess I need to find more strength and fight back even harder. I am just SO tired! I want too lay down my weapons and surrender, but I have a family that needs me to keep fighting. So I will continue to read the bible and other inspirational books. I will continue to pray. I will continuing to meditate and breathe and "self-talk.  Please help me by praying, and lighting candles and just be patient while I rediscover myself.


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau