“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”
As I have shared before, I recently began having panic attacks. If my mind is correct, I have had 9 in three weeks. I wanted to share my panic attacks with you step by step. There is a point to this, but it is important to begin by describing this new stage of my journey.
During my first panic attack, for maybe a few seconds I thought I was having a heart attack, but I quickly realized what was actually happening. Only one has happened at home, the others all in public places. It comes on very suddenly. I first begin to tremble. Maybe only in my hands at first, but quickly my entire body. Then I begin to hyperventilate. This only lasts thirthy seconds to a minute, because by then my throat has closed up and I am unable to speak or breathe. I am gasping and getting small breathes, but it feels like I may be dying. During this time my chest begins to squeeze and beat like it is going to explode right out of my chest. Usually by now, about 3 minutes in I have begun crying because it is so terrifying, and I have dropped to my knees because I feel as if my legs will not hold me. By then the nausea has decided to join the party, and the last two times I have actually vomited. The last stage an absolute overwhelming need to flee comes over me, but I am unable to move. I feel that if I don't leave the place I am at something terrible will happen. I breathe and meditate every day now, so usually by the 5 min mark I am able to get under control through breathing or affirmations I say while meditating. For many hours after, I feel teary and I scold myself for being so weak.
When I saw the psychiatrist on Friday we decided to try a new anxiety medicine that has a longer half-life than Xanax, and will stay in my system for 6-8 hours. I believe it is helping. Even though I have had two attacks since Friday, I feel much calmer overall, and I get myself under control much quicker. She did tell me that if the attacks do not get better by our next visit in early August, we will have to talk about not driving until I improve. If I were to have one while driving it would be very dangerous to myself and others. It is difficult to admit that I see both a psychiatrist and a counselor, let alone admit that these symptoms are affecting my life to such an extreme.
Today I had counseling, as I do every Wed., and at one point he told me I was a very strong person. I immediately began crying and told him I do not feel strong at all. Just the opposite, always being on the verge of tears and the panic attacks make me feel weak and useless. He disagreed, saying that I was a hero, because the easy way out is to hide and go inward. He also pointed out that many people faced with what I have had to face over the last few months { A diagnosis of cancer, surgery, a difficult recovery, insomnia, panic attacks, then throw in an aging, ill father, and the other family situation} would crumble. But I choose to go to counseling every week and do the homework I am given. I choose to go see my father no matter how painful. I make the choice to leave the house and run errands, even knowing I could panic while in the store. I share my feelings with him and on this blog. Each of these steps, he claims, is an act of heroism, and one step closer to the new improved me.
That got me thinking. Through all this I have cried out for help! I have expected someone on a white horse to come and magically make me better. But I have been hoping for the wrong thing. I have been my own savior all along. I have to rescue myself. My sidekicks, like my doctors and my family and friends are there in a supporting role. I do not have super powers, but I have hope and faith. They are my weapons of choice. My armor is my drive and determination to get better. My cape does not allow me to fly, but it offers protection from the storms of life each day. Every day I am shedding just a small piece of my former self, and add on another piece of my Aztec Warrior Princess. I still have a long journey, but "A journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step." Glad my superhero wears walking shoes!!
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